How do you handle lying?

peekaboo716

Ever since kindergarten started, DH and I have noticed an uptick in DS's lying. He seems to lie regularly now, whereas before, it was just once in a while. For example, he will tell us that he doesn't have any toys or candy in his backpack for school, and we will open it up to find 30 different toys in there. Or this morning, he changed his pull-up in the morning to a dry one, so that he could tell us he was dry all night (something we are working on - he thinks he doesn't have to get out of bed if he doesn't feel like it to pee). He threw his wet one in the trash. Or he will tell us the teacher told us he could ______, when we know the teacher would never say that.

His lies are usually centered around things that make him happy (toys at school make him happy, getting a sticker on his chart for being dry all night makes him happy). DH and I try to tell him why it's important to tell the truth, etc. It's not sinking in, I guess. I told DH that we probably need consequences for lies, but I can't seem to come up with one that is appropriate. DH doesn't know either.

So, how is lying handled at your house? I am looking for any ideas here.

lollitots

We give them the standard time out that they get when they do something they shouldn't be doing. If they lie to cover something up ("no, I didn't hit my sister"), then the time out gets doubled. It seemed the older ones both went through a lying phase around 4 yo, but they were never good at it and usually got caught. I really hope they continue to suck at lying...even when teens!

Jodi&Joe

How about he will lose a sticker on his chart if he lies about being dry?

Or will lose whatever toy(s) are in his backpack if he lies about them being in there?

My situation sounds a little different (I'm guessing Cam and Joey are a bit older than your guy).  But when Cam lies, (she tends to do it more than Joey), I tell her that there will be a day where she is telling the truth, and it's going to be important that we believe her.  And we won't.  Because she lied.  But most often, I can get her to fess up.  I have told her I have cameras installed in the house and "do I have to check the camera tonight?"  They both want to know where these "secret cameras" are and I just tell them they are mine and I will never tell them where they are.   

Yes, I'm evil.  But it works.  I can usually get them to fess up right away by telling them I will review the camera that night and if I find out they are lying, the punishment will be greater. 

They lose privileges in this house (usually centered around TV/electronics).  It's, apparently, a fate worse than death for them! 

EastCoastBride

A friend was just talking about this over the weekend.  She gets very dramatic w/ her kids and goes into this "Well, as you lied to me, that makes me question EVERYTHING ELSE you've ever told me.  How am I supposed to know what's the truth and what isn't if you lie to me even once?".

Also, once her DD told this elaborate (ongoing) lie about a girl on the bus making fun of her and being mean.  Turns out - it was all a lie.  She had told this to DH and I too.  Her mom made her tell US it was a lie.  We were her friends, we had believed her, we were really upset for her - so she had to confess it to us too.

I totally got why my friend did this, but when her DD broke down into blubbering tears, I felt so bad.  BUT - my friend feels this was one of the best and most impactful consequences her DD could have had.  Facing the people who she lied to and who were (to a degree) affected by her lie.

GinandTonic

I've told DS that I'm more upset about the lie than whatever he's lying about to keep himself out of trouble.   Usually, the issue is not that big a deal, but he thinks it's going to be, so he'll lie about it ("I didn't hit her" - his sister).  Once he figured out that he'd get more in trouble for the lie than he would for whatever it was about, he kind of stopped.

I realize that doesn't cover all situations, but it might help...

ppants

A time out is what my kids get.  Thankfully, they understand the importance of honesty.  I don't punish my kids for telling the truth, and they understand there will be consequences for NOT telling the truth.  Seems to work for us right now. 

4Speedy

Honestly, I still haven't figured the whole lying thing out yet.  My DD started Kindy and has lso upped the lying this year.  But the odd thing is, she doesn't do it to avoid getting into trouble or to "get away" with something.  She lies to make herself the star of her own fantasy world.  I'm trying to figure out if I am doing something wrong.

Here's an example.  I was talking to DD about her school Christmas pagent that is coming up this week.  She goes to Catholic school and is playing the role of Mary.    So DD said she didn't want to be in the production at all since they were going to make her stand up on stage alone and sing all by herself.  (absolutely not the truth, it's really just a living nativity scene while ALL the kids recite the Christmas gospel.  DD just has to wear a blue veil and hold a doll swaddled like Jesus.)  So I asked DD what song they were making her sing.  She clearly wasn't prepared to add detail to her made up scenario because she stammered and looked into space while she quickly thought of something.  Then she tells me they are going to make her sing, "One is the lonliest number."

I about lost it.  I could just picture this forlorn little kindergartener being forced to stand on stage and sing "One is the lonliest number that you'll ever know..." 

I really don't know why she invents all this crazy stuff.  I either have a little Emo kid in the making or she actually has a sense of humor and a grasp of irony well beyond her years.

UGAbride

We are struggling with this right now too...and I truly do not trust him a lot of the time, because he is lying to get what he wants (ie. "Daddy said we could watch Home Alone" when I KNOW he would not have been ok with that).  So we are on the lookout for him going behind our backs to the other one at the moment, everything is questionable.  Since it seems his attempts are fairly half-hearted, we haven't really been disciplining him beyond a reminder to tell the truth, but we probably should so we can nip this in the bud. 

katie277s

In kindergarten, if he lied, he was in time out.  He was old enough to know the difference between telling the truth and lying.  We still do time outs when he lies about anything.  

If he was telling us that he was dry when we know he changed into a dry pull up, I would walk him to the wet one in the trash and ask him what it was, and give him the chance to tell the truth.  Then, I would let him know that because he is telling stories this or this will happen.  It's helped with the stories, and we rarely run into issues with it anymore.   

shouldbworkin

GinandTonic:

I've told DS that I'm more upset about the lie than whatever he's lying about to keep himself out of trouble.   Usually, the issue is not that big a deal, but he thinks it's going to be, so he'll lie about it ("I didn't hit her" - his sister).  Once he figured out that he'd get more in trouble for the lie than he would for whatever it was about, he kind of stopped.

I realize that doesn't cover all situations, but it might help...

This.  It also helped to have a little talk about "stories" and how you have to be careful that people know you're just telling a story vs. telling the truth.  It's ok to tell stories as long as you say "I have a story for you ..."  DS went through quite an imaginitive phase and was telling teachers all sorts of good ones. 

After that we got to the heart of what was causing the lying.  If he was embarrassed, he needed to say "I'm embarrassed" instead of making up lies to cover for himself.   

ridesbuttons

Every time I know he is lying about something (or withholding the truth) I tell him calmly "I would prefer the truth".  When he confesses whatever it was, I thank him for telling me the truth and either deal with the event right then and there or tell him we will talk about it later.

No getting mad.

Who knows if this is the right way to handle it.

Cbidt's girl

Jodi&Joe:

How about he will lose a sticker on his chart if he lies about being dry?

Or will lose whatever toy(s) are in his backpack if he lies about them being in there?

My situation sounds a little different (I'm guessing Cam and Joey are a bit older than your guy).  But when Cam lies, (she tends to do it more than Joey), I tell her that there will be a day where she is telling the truth, and it's going to be important that we believe her.  And we won't.  Because she lied.  But most often, I can get her to fess up.  I have told her I have cameras installed in the house and "do I have to check the camera tonight?"  They both want to know where these "secret cameras" are and I just tell them they are mine and I will never tell them where they are.   

Yes, I'm evil.  But it works.  I can usually get them to fess up right away by telling them I will review the camera that night and if I find out they are lying, the punishment will be greater. 

They lose privileges in this house (usually centered around TV/electronics).  It's, apparently, a fate worse than death for them! 

what are you going to do when they call you on the fact that you have been lying to them about the camera? Just curious. I haven't had to deal much with this. Mine just lies about flushing the toilet and it's easier enough for me to threaten to check for now but I'm sure he'll get more sophisticated soon and I'll need a craftier technique. I'd be tempted to use the secret camera, but I know DS1 would totally call me out on the double standard someday.

DandelionMom

We add to the punishment if the kid lied and I make my very disappointed face and talk about how much a lie hurts feelings.  Like if they told the truth about toys in the backpack, all they have to do is take the toys out but if they lied about it the toy gets put up for a bit.  

When the kids went through this phase (and yes it is a completely normal part of development) we talked about honesty and story-telling and why trust is so important. 

And we tried to make sure we didn't give them a chance to lie.  Don't ask him if he's dry, just go check.  Don't ask about toys in the backpack just say "let's make sure you don't have toys in your backpack."  And when he fesses up about something, praise him for being so honest.