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devastated for a friend, need advice

PolishWonderPolishWonder member
in Adoption

Last week, a birth mother chose my friend and her DH to adopt her baby. The baby was born last Wednesday and my friends brought home their newborn DD from the hospital on Thanksgiving. Tonight, the birth mother changed her mind and they have to give the baby back tomorrow. We knew there was a possibility this could happen, but it's so utterly devastating.

I need to know what I can do for my friend to help her through this. I'm at a loss other than to mourn with her.

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Re: devastated for a friend, need advice

  • so1966so1966

    i'm so very sorry. just hearbreaking!  my only advice is to do just that and mourn her loss with her. be there for her any time to lend an ear....

     

    After 7 years of marriage and 5 unsuccessful IVFs, we have been granted the gift of adopting a baby boy, born 4/21/11.
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  • PolishWonderPolishWonder member

    i told her that know matter what, that little girl was loved fully and deeply for the first days of her life by my friend and her DH and no one could take that away. she said that was the first thing she's heard that made her feel she could get through this.

    life is so unfair sometimes.

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  • Art TeacherArt Teacher
    I agree with the pp - just be with her when she needs you to be there, grieve this loss with her, and listen.  I'm SO very sorry for your friend and her husband.
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  • jaartlvrjaartlvr
    i would also say... keep reaching out to her in the weeks/months to come. we had a failed match in august. there were many people offering support and checking in with us when it happened. but weeks went by and we were left by ourselves and dealing with starting over. one friend has kept checking in with me - more that usual. i know it's on purpose, and it has really helped and meant a lot. occasionally people rebound from a failed match and get matched again right away, but lots of times it takes a while - and for us that waiting has been made even harder by our loss. just know that all of the support that happens initially dies down pretty quickly - you may find you can help her most in weeks to come when others aren't reaching out/checking in as much.
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member

    I'm so sorry for your friends.  A failed match is always devastating, but I can imagine the impetus of the holidays just makes it even more difficult.  :-(

    In the past, some of the posters who've gone through a similar thing have suggested that you follow their lead.  If they want to talk, listen; if they want to just forget about it, be there to do something fun with them so they can not think for a while; if they need time to be by themselves and mourn, send them a meal or note letting them know you're available when they want to talk and give them their space.  Everyone handles loss differently, so it's important to let them show you what they need.

    One common thing I've heard is that, as time goes on, people often are uncomfortable with the sadness of the grieving couple, and urge them to just get over it already.  Give them as much time as they need; anything else sends the message that you don't really understand the depth of their loss.

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  • ByHisGrace7ByHisGrace7

    2.5 weeks ago we had to take our baby girl back to the agency so they could hand her over to her birthfather who surprisingly won in court...we had her in our home for 11 weeks. What helped me was just knowing my friends and family were praying for me. It also helped to know that they loved that baby girl so much. I received a couple of sweet cards in the mail and that was a nice gesture. For me, I view the loss of that baby girl as a death...and I think it helped me when family/friends started seeing it that way as well. I know that sounds morbid but I guess everyone is different. From my friends I just wanted some space to mourn for a bit but it helped to know they were there to pick me up when I needed it. I'm sorry for your friend's loss.

    "A man makes a plan in his heart, but God directs his path." - Proverbs 16:9 My Blog
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    I'm so sorry, that's a pain like no other. I would suggest counseling. Some people do bounce into a new match but it's still a huge loss and something that needs to be addressed :( my thoughts are with her
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  • PolishWonderPolishWonder member

    ByHisGrace - I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to provide some advice. I told my friend today I understand she wants some space and alone time to grieve, but I'll call or text everyday to see if she needs company.

    PP, thank you for the advice that I should not say to "move on". It was a great reminder!

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