Adoption by Choice

carynragin

Is there anyone out there who is adopting by choice? I mean who has not had infertility issues? I am and when I tell people I feel like a freak of nature. I was just wondering if there were others out there like me.

BenandSuzy

We did.  Adoption has always been a dream of mine, and I was afraid that if we didnt do it first, we never would. Time, finances, having other children at home already, could be influences to not adopt later on.  So, we did it first, and we also now have a bio child.  We both however would love to adopt again if finances would allow.  We adopted from Russia the first time.  We adopted a then-2.5 year old who will turn 7 in just a few days!  

We got a few comments too, but we explained our feelings and everyone was happy and excited for us. 

penguincrazy

We are pursuing adoption right now, and we have three biological daughters.  DH and I have always felt called to adopt, regardless of how many children we have "naturally."  Don't feel like a freak, feel like a mother.  You are the only one who can know how to grow your family.

dragossoul84

My dh and I are adopting by choice now we had many miscarriages and moved to adoption only to find out we are pregnant, but we feel we are meant to adopt and are excited to grow our family both ways

fallsbride

We have grown our family in both ways.  We have always planned to grow our family through adoption.  We plan to adopt again in the future! We get the so which ones are you "own" comment a lot and explain that ALL my children are my own!   Sometimes ppl will ask why did we adopt if we could have our "own" children.  I don't feel I need to explain myself and again let them know they are all my own.  Some ppl just don't get it!

purplerhi

We did.  We did not have the traditional infertility, although we were told that pregnancy would be difficult.  We really felt like we were called to adopt, and for us it was more about being parents rather than carrying or having an biological child.  I personally just don't explain to people why we chose to adopt unless I am close to them or they ask questions.  Then I tell them that we felt called to adopt and sometimes I share our story.  I am sure, after thinking about it, that there are many people in my family that do not even know why we chose adoption or whether or not we had infertility issues.  

erinmc1

I've always felt called to adopt, as well.  The infertility diagnosis came after we had already made the decision to pursue adoption.  We got a lot of questions and misunderstanding from his family mostly, where they kept second-guessing our decision not to pursue fertility treatment.  To be honest, it felt as though the diagnosis got us off the hook.  Now, when people ask why we're adopting, we can just say "infertile," and be done with it.  People understand that.  They have a little bit harder time with "We feel like this has always been God's plan for us, and we're more comfortable pursuing adoption than trying to conceive."  But that's the real truth.  The idea of actually being pregnant just seems surreal to me.  I don't think it was ever meant to happen.  Pursuing adoption feels right and comfortable.  

CaptainSerious

My husband and I adopted without trying to conceive.  We always planned to adopt regardless of whether we had biological children, and the time was right, so we went ahead and jumped in.  We are now in the process of adopting our second child.

I agree that many people don't understand why a person would want to adopt without being led to the decision as a result of infertility.  Not only did I have a lot of people just assume we were unable to have biological children, I had even more ask me outright why we wouldn't "just have our own."  We were very open with our reasons and it satisfied most people, but there are still some people who will, for one reason or another, never understand.  And that's okay.  There are lots of things people in my life do that I will never understand, but that doesn't mean I judge them for it, just that it's not for me.  Different strokes make the world go round.

The only time it really bothers me is when it's from someone working within the adoption agency or a health/mental health professional, because I feel they should know better.  During our first adoption process, the Peruvian authorities made us explain our reasons and "phobias about having biological children" before they would approve us.  I understand that the Peruvian culture places a huge value on family so they are inherently wary of people who chose to adopt without first trying to conceive, and worry that they are acting out of some sort of "savior complex," but nevertheless, I was outraged at their lack or sensitivity or understanding.

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As an aside, I know you didn't mean anything by it, but I would like to point out that your wording could be a bit off-putting to people adopting after trying to conceive.  I know it can sometimes be tricky to know how to word things, but I would argue that everyone who adopts does so by choice.  Adoption is a great undertaking, and people don't just fall into it.  Anyone who makes the commitment and follows it through has made a huge choice to adopt and raise a child as their own.  There are many people who discover they aren't able to have a child biologically that do not make this choice.

Another term that some use to describe people who adopt without fertility issues is "preferential adopters," but I think that term has the same issues as "adopting by choice."  Personally, I just tend to say "adopt without trying to conceive" or "adopt without known fertility issues."

julandjo

Not exactly the same situation, as we do have 2 biological children.  We've always felt drawn to adoption.  After our 2nd baby I was told that any future pregnancy would be life-threatening to me and the baby.  Our family isn't complete, so here we are waiting to be matched!  We've gotten a lot of negative feedback, a lot of "why on earth would you adopt when you already have 2 of your own?!", "can't you just be grateful for what you already have?", "if you were meant to have more kids God would let you have more of your own" and etc.  Really inflammatory, insensitive comments.  We just say that we feel blessed to be growing our family this way, and remind them that surely they wouldn't dream of saying those things to me if that baby were growing in my belly.  It generally shuts people up and lets them know that this baby will be our baby, just as much as one born to us.

Mrs.KLF

Yep, we are in the same boat.  We have a bio son and I'm pregnant, and we are in the process of becoming licensed foster parents with the intent to adopt.  We have a few couples in our church who have also adopted by choice, so that seems to have made a lot more of our acquaintances aware that it is a normal thing to do!

Jermysgirl

We had very minor IF (PCOS and a blocked tube) which could have most likely been easily bypassed, but we both have adoption in our extended families and we talked about adoption before we got married.  I never grieved the loss of a bio kid because I wasn't all that excited about being pregnant...I just wanted to be a mom.

MayDayGirl

i am with captain on this one. i greatly dislike the term "adoption by choice", as if those of us with fertility issues were somehow forced to adopt, or like my daughter is somehow less wanted bc i went through infertility and then chose to adopt.

 

i know this isnt the point of your thread, i truly dont believe you meant any harm, and i love that you want to adopt period, but i hope you don't use that wording anymore.  

srmmm09

Good point, Captain and May Day. I'll keep that in mind as I explain our choice to adopt without fertility problems. We have friends who adopted three girls from Russia after struggling with infertility, and it was definitely a choice to persevere until those girls were home!

We've been telling family and close friends, so not a lot of insensitive comments have arisen, but the occasional, "why not just keep having kids (usually with a comment about birth being so much cheaper and easier than adopting)" does arise. We say something like, "Kids all over the world are already born, and they deserve parents." I know that changed a few minds. But honestly, I just feel like our baby's out there and we need to find him and bring him home. I want to snuggle him! 

insertclevername

We have a bio child but I have always wanted to adopt a child as well.  My husband, myself and my son have so much love to give and there are so many children already waiting for a family.  If everything works out as planned we will be starting the adoption process in early 2012.

Graciesue

We also choose to adopt after having two bio children. We have gotten some strange questions about why we are adopting, but like previous poster, I just tell them that for us it is a calling and leave it at that.  Most people have been supportive, but there have been a few (mostly people who've heard bad adoption stories) think we are crazy. We're fine with that.

mommytoconnor

I adopted my son without fertility problems.  I am a single parent who just hasn't met the man of my dreams and always knew I was meant to be a mom.  So I took my life into my own hands and yes I could have done artificial insemination, but was drawn to adoption.  I always felt like I could give a child a good home, whether they were my bio child or not.  People asked me too why didn't I get artificial insemination.  My response, "Why not adoption."  There are thousands of children that need good homes, and I have a good home to give.  So for me, I didn't let those people bother me.  People do try to make you feel like it's a second choice, but it absolutely is not at all.  For me, I always wanted to adopt.  I can honestly say that it was the BEST decision I ever made.  Good luck to you and don't let people get you down.