IVF ladies - anyone not tell family

MoFree

I have deliberately not told my family about our IF or that I am currently in the middle of an IVF cycle. It helps that I live some distance from them. I wish I could open up to my mother, but I know she will tell my father, who is very, very judgmental. He is devout Catholic and thinks of IVF as "artificially making babies." Anyone else with a nonsupportive family?

katt3233

That's hard. I went many years being silent, but going into our IVF cycle I decided to tell everyone. It was very emotional to talk about it, but I was overwhelmingly surprised by the support I received. I hope you get some support from your family. (((hugs)))

AmCheri

We haven't told either of our families.  I wouldn't call them unsupportive, however, because we never game them a chance to be supportive.  It was just easier.  There's Catholicism on both sides for us as well (MH and I are Catholic, too), and this played a role in our decision, though it wasn't determinative.

Some days I wish they knew.  The days when certain family members complain about silly things that make you want to scream.  The days when you get bad attitude because you can't be there for some family get together (you know, because you have b/w and u/s appointments, ER or ET).  

We don't regret not telling them.  This is profoundly private and keeping it private has been good because we don't have to deal with questions.  Take today which was beta #4 for me.  I haven't had to deal with questions about my situation and what's happening.  That takes some of the stress off, I think.  We know our families love us, but we also recognize how easy it is to judge when you don't (and can't) truly understand what someone else is going through.

MoFree

After much therapy and tears, I have learned to not expect from people what they are incapable of giving. In my case, a father who shows empathy or who at least withholds judgment. I realize our differences go way beyond IF because I converted from his religion. Fortunately my husband's father, SM and family are very, very supportive and I can open up to them.

AmCheri

MoFree:

After much therapy and tears, I have learned to not expect from people what they are incapable of giving. In my case, a father who shows empathy or who at least withholds judgment. I realize our differences go way beyond IF because I converted from his religion. Fortunately my husband's father, SM and family are very, very supportive and I can open up to them.

You can't pick your family, right?  The good news is that you can find support in so many other wonderful places.  Maybe you've chosen to confide in one or more friends.  Maybe you've told people at work.  Perhaps you could get involved in a local RESOLVE group.  And then, of course, there are the fabulous and inspirational women here who will always be a cheerleader when you need it.   

jennp13

I told my mom and it really wasn't by choice I walked in her house one day and she said " You know you're not getting any younger" That flipped my switch and told her made her cry but she asked for it.  I did'nt want to tell anyone only because it is so hard month after month when A/F comes to come to terms with it myself then to have everyone asking on top of it.  My mom also told some other family members and close friends so I do get asked it sucks.  Make sure you have a few people to talk to about it I also think the resolve group would be perfect, check to see if there is one in your area.  Good luck to you.

Roxie5739

I too have not told a sole. DH and I decided to keep it a secret for a few reasons. Firstly, I am from Australia so my family is already so far away. I have had 2 ectopic's this year. I told my Mom with the first one as it ended in surgery and told her not to tell anyone. She told the world, I was so disappointed. She even wrote a letter to the MIL here in the US and tole her - ARGH!!!! I had a second ectopic and I did not tell anyone by one of my sisters who arrived here the day after it happened for a 10 day holiday in LA. She had to know as I was very under the weather. My family know I have had subsequent tests for infertility issues, they ask a LOT of questions so we decided that we did not need the daily check in's on how things are going as well as family knowing that we are now in the middle of an IVF cycle. I am more concerned that when the beta's some in, and if it is not BPF do I want family calling for updates then to only tell bad news.... that is my issue. I live life as to manage expecations, this time they are mine and this being so personal I do not want to share the up's and maybe down's blow by blow with anyone except the DH. Thankfully that one sister I have (I have 3) I can talk to openly if I need a ear, but the rest of my family seem to not understand the issues and are very quick on telling me news like by 19 year old niece is pregnant and my cousins wife is too and expecting twins! They kill me sometimes. One sister of mine, I told her about the procedures and issues and have not heard back since. Does she not care? It is all too hard for me to deal with the family "issues" with this so we decided to keep it quiet and that allows us to deal with it ourselves before we need to share anything with anyone. This has been a battle for me and the best way I can deal with it at the moment.

GL to you in what you decide.

nino770

We have not told either side of the family and not because they are not supportive. We both decided it would be easier and less stressful not to have to deal with the judgement of others, not soo much from parents but his older siblings.

lovebug33

We have told my parents because we need their help. They live here and have had to take me to some appointments, my mom subs for me, etc. They are supportive. DH told his mother we were going to an RE and she threw all sorts of religious crap at us, including that I am sending all of us to hell. So, I have put a gag order on DH telling MIL anything else. It has been a strain on our relationship because he is mad about it, but I can't handle her judgmental attitude.

leapoffaith12

We are keeping it private and have not told a single person!  it's way less stressful that way.  Who needs a bunch of people asking you how things are going and giving you advice 10x per day when they have no idea what you are actually going through.  We just got back from an Ohio State football party where I drank water in a beer bottle ALL day heehee no one even knew!  it's fun to keep some things your little secret.  That is one reason i signed up for this website so i can get support from women actually going through IVF the same time as me and it's helped a ton, i haven't felt like talking to any friends or family because i can get it all out on here.  

SSideHeather

We haven't told anyone either. It's not that I don't think they'd be supportive I just don't want to deal with their questions. It does suck because sometimes I feel like we're lying to them but I think I prefer that to their questions. 

LaLe09

We originally didn't tell anyone except my parents. Then we told DH's parents who were not supportive at all and wanted us to go see a priest. Now they have come around and are somewhat supportive. After my first IVF failure and miscarriage, I started to open up to more family and the response has been very positive for the most part. It's hard to put yourself out there knowing you will get comments that aren't helpful. But most people have been very supportive and I have really needed it. good luck.

krismott25

I've told everyone and they for the most part have been "supportive" i use quotes because they haven't been judgemental but I think no matter what people don't know what to say. They mostly say hope it works for you and move the conversation along. I think most people just don't understand the process. After my last failed cycle we started really considering adoption and I was appauled at the reaction most of my family had. They seemed disgusted that we would even consider it. It really hurt me. I know adoption is in our future whether or not IF treatments work for us. I will be keeping most of that process to myself. That's what is great about these message boards though. I have found the most support amoung these ladies. You have to do what feels best for you. Quite frankly screw other peoples feelings!

lovebug33

Reading everybody's thoughts has really clarified why I am annoyed at my MIL about all of this. I am 34 and DH is 40. We are no longer telling our parents anything to get permission, like we did when we were little. We are telling them to share our lives with them, as adults. Whether our families agree or disagree, they should just listen and keep their mouths shut if they don't like what we are doing. My FIL probably doesn't agree with IVF due to the fact that he is a very conservative Catholic. His response? We will pray for you and you will make the right decision for your family. So much more supportive than we are sending our unborn baby to hell. I truly think it boils down to the fact that we are adults and you no longer have the right to stick your nose in our business.

Mitzi Bishi

We've gone through 2 rounds of IVF. No one even knew we were TTC.

I told my mom, and only my mom, since I was going through this abroad and if complications arose I wanted her to be aware. I also wanted her to know this is why we haven't come back for long stretches. 

We don't plan on telling anyone still. They really can't do anything to help, so it's kind of pointless. I guess my fear or dealing with societal / family backlash is so strong that I'd rather not expose our situation for the support either. 

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.