Not sure if/how/where to get help...(long, sorry)

LiteBrite23

I'm 11 weeks pp and my baby blues just aren't seeming to go away.  DS was 5 weeks early and was born after an emergency induction due to pre-eclampsia.  He spent 10 days in the NICU, and I could never get my supply to come in so I wasn't able to BF.  I felt like it was my fault he had to be born early and then I felt like my body was just broken.  It acted like I hadn't even had a baby.  A series of events with my own career path had already put us in financial hardship we hadn't planned to be in when we conceived also.  So, we haven't been able to pay any of our bills from the doctor/hospital in spite of having insurance through my husband (the remaining copays are too much).  DS has also had purple crying/colic (I don't care what you call it...it's miserable either way), and I basically feel like he's hated me since he was in the womb.  I've been trying to fight my constant sadness by just hoping it'll go away and I recently started taking St. John's Wort (last week) hoping it would help since I thought it was just a funk.

Well, today we were supposed to go down to human services (it was our last day to do so after we had applied) to find out about getting food assistance.  Well, they never bothered to tell us they were closed today (I figured if the post office was open, they would be too...it's not a government holiday).  So, now we have to apply all over again on Monday.  They want us to come in before 3 but my husband works until 3 everyday and it's not like he can just take a day off to go sit down there.  He should be off early this Monday though so maybe we can get something accomplished as long as there's not a waiting period for reapplying after your first application.  

And that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I've been crying ever since we left the DHS parking lot 5 hours ago.  To top it off, DS has decided that he wants to be exceptionally fussy today and DH has left for the evening to do some side work.  I don't know what DH is still with me.  I'm pretty sure he and DS would be happier without me.  I feel like I'm the closest I've ever been in my life to a nervous breakdown and I know I should probably call to get some help right now, but I have a few problems...

1) We have to go back to DHS on Monday.  They want us all there (even the baby) for us to apply.  So anything I do will have to wait until after that.

2) I'm afraid if I tell anyone I might hurt myself (I haven't and will not think of hurting my baby) they might take the baby away.  

3) I don't have a regular doctor who can refer me anywhere, and I can't afford the copays for my insurance.  Everything online says I should get help from my doctor but what are you supposed to do when you can't?

 

2BMrs.Carter

I had the same situation. Pre-eclampsia, baby born at 5 wks, NICU for 7 days, and financial problems. Baby is 7 wks and has reflux. I also have a 2.5 year old and a 13 yr old stepson. DH and I aren't getting along and gilu drama every time my mom comes over to help since she takes care of grandmother. She has 8 siblings but most of the care falls on her shoulders. I said all that to give you some back ground info.

 I haven't paid my doctor in full yet and I was still able to be seen. Call and talk to the nurse. When I went for my 6 wk check up, they had a quiz for me to take to see if I had PPD. They said I didn't and that stress from life and having a new baby is a lot to handle. Talking to friends helps along with getting as much rest as possible. I'm worse when I haven't had much sleep.

My heart goes out to you.   I was afraid to tell anyone, but I did. Opening up helped me at lot. You can try writing your feelings down first, if you don't want to share them with a real person yet. Praying things get better for you.

2BMrs.Carter

I just went to postpartum.net and it seems helpful.

Sporkmoostipe

I'm sorry you're going through this. When Danny (my LO) is super fussy, it really really makes my PPD a lot worse. I feel inadequete as a mom and that nothing I do is right...

The money issues, I wish I had some advice.

But what to do, I would say start with yoru OB, even if there are issues with the copay. You don't want it to escalate further. I would call the office and explain the situation. A lot of doctors I've worked with in the past wheN I had no/little health insurance were willing to work with me on a sliding scale.  

I also had Pre-E and my pregnancy was really rough. There were  alot of scares along the way and near the end, I really had terrible anxiety.  

If you are having feelings of hurting yourself., I think you need to advocate for yourself. A few days after I had my LO, i had horrible thoughts of hurting myself. I couldn't concentrate and I was afraid to admit it to anyone at the hospital when they gave me a PPD question sheet. It took about a week before I could admit it to my husband...I would just cry and cry all day long. Once I told him how I felt, my husband called my OB, who saw me within the hour. My mind was in a really really bad state. My OB instructed my husband to make sure I would not be left home alone. I was referred to a psychiatrist (my mental health plan is HORRENDOUS), who has been working with me on a sliding scale. 

I want to say, if youc all the office and you admit that you are feeling that you may have PPD and you need help, I don't think they can deny you help because of your inability to pay.

I have a lot of those same feeings you have, that DH and DS would be better off without me and other things you mentioned...But DH is with you for a reason. DS can't help but love his mommy, because he has been a part of you for so long. I started talking to my husband about all of it, and it helps to have the reassurnace from him.  

I'm here for you and definitely praying for you. If you want to send me an e-mail to chat....awestie@aol.com.