Am I being unreasonable?

chrisbride04

When DS was born, DH and I felt like my family really crossed a boundary when it came to "visiting" at the hospital. My parents and two younger sisters sat in the room all through the night while I was in labor, at times not even leaving a seat for DH, and then were back in the room almost immediately after my emergency c-section. DH and I felt like our first hours with DS were being infringed on to an extent. My family finally left after a good 18 hours at the hospital, only to return the following days for lengthy visits as well. After I finally said something to my mom, they were greatly offended, alot of drama was created, etc.

 DS#2 will be a scheduled C-section in early Feb. I registered at the hospital yesterday and got some information about recovery time and visiting, etc. Tonight I told my mom their policies- no visitors in recovery for the first 1-2 hours, including siblings, and that it might take a little bit to get assigned to an actual room. I suggested that my family wait here at our house, about 15 minutes from the hospital, until I was in a room and could have visitors, etc. I simply said I thought it would be silly for all of them, and possibly DS, to be sitting in the waiting areas for 2-3 hours during surgery and recovery. My mom's reply was "we'll do what we want to do." I told her I'd really prefer they waited and came once we were settled in a room and she about flew off the handle, telling me how hurt they were when DS was born, etc.

 Am I being unreasonable to not want my family swarming in right away? I was bringing the whole issue up to my mom way ahead of time to hopefully avoid the drama this time around, but apparently it's already started.

CareBear01

That would be very unnerving.  I don't think that you are being unreasonable - especially since you know how overbearing they were last time.  At least this time you know you can't have visitors, so you and DH can spend some quality time in the beginning. 

I would just let them wait in the waiting room for as long as they want, if they really want to be that uncomfortable  Tell the nurses to not allow them to come in until you say it's ok (after you get settled into your room) - they will lie for you and tell them no visitors until they approve.  Can you also warn other nurses to shoo them out during times during the day?  Usually they can claim to need privacy with you and at least get you a few hours here and there.

Sorry!  It sounds like they are going to be offended regardless, so another option is to just lie about your C section time - saying that it's much later than it really is.  Is that an option?

chrisbride04

I don't think lying about the time will work, but I've already talked with DH about having the nurses not let them in until we're ready. I also found out the hospital has a "naptime" everyday and no visitors are allowed back from 2-4pm which will help too. My family is a crazy, old school, Italian bunch and they're not going to like our "rules" no matter what they are. Thanks for the input Carebear!

kmchavez82

Sorry you're dealing with this when it should be a happy celebration of LO's birth. My family normally is the same, no discussion before an event can lessen the drama especially if it deals with having both sides (ILs) around. I'm having to learn to just go with the flow and hope for the best. In your case I'd highly suggest utillizing the nursing staff. During the hospital tour they were very persistant about helping limit visitation times for patients because they don't want/need you stressing after delivery. That's not good for anyone. You said your peace to you family and warned them, now let the nurses be your defenders. Good luck!

starlettedir

Not at all. I didn't want anyone at the hospital for that reason. DH eventually talked me into allowing my parents but I'd kick them in and out when I wanted to.

His parents came up even though he and I told them no...I'm sure I was a witch but I didn't let them in before she was born. DH supported me in this.  They did come the next day to see her(she was born at 9 p.m.)

OSUx2

Maybe this is mean but do they have to know the exact time of your c-section?  I kind of gather they may be watching your DS so that may not work but if you can have someone else watching him can you just tell them a time that is several hours later than what you are scheduled for so you know you will at least have a cushion of time.

charlotteL

This is the very reason I didn't let anyone come to the hospital with 2&3.  My in-laws were so pushy with #1 that I just banned everyone.  I did let my parents come up later, but my in-laws were not allowed in the hospital.

TexasPaige

Stick to your guns. Boundaries are so important, especially in this kind of situation.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

chrisbride04

Thanks for the reassurance everyone. Tonight I was accused of trying to "burst their bubble" over the excitement of their grandson being born. All I've said is I don't want visitors in recovery, only once we're in a regular room. My mom is totally pissed now, but I know I have to stick to my guns and get the nurses involved if needed. I seriously cannot believe that they don't  understand DH and I wanting some quiet time with the baby for the first couple of hours.  

Natalie&Mark

chrisbride04:

Thanks for the reassurance everyone. Tonight I was accused of trying to "burst their bubble" over the excitement of their grandson being born. All I've said is I don't want visitors in recovery, only once we're in a regular room. My mom is totally pissed now, but I know I have to stick to my guns and get the nurses involved if needed. I seriously cannot believe that they don't  understand DH and I wanting some quiet time with the baby for the first couple of hours.  

What a bunch of a**hats.  I mean, I'm sure they're lovely people. 

But this is YOUR and YOUR HUSBAND'S bubble to be burst, and they will not "do what they want".  They will do what you allow and prefer, and when you say so!  

You're entitled to your excitement, too.  Darn it!

sad5781

just wanted to add my vote that you are not being unreasonable.  i think some parents (grandparents) forget that while it is a special time for them too, it is YOUR time.  And you just have to be okay with them having their feelings hurt... you can't please everyone all the the time, they'll get over it.  I'd probably lose my cool and tell my mom to shove it though

 

I do like the other peoples suggestions to use the nurses as defense.  If your family wants to sit at the hospital, let them... just tell the nurses to tell them you cant have visitors and leave it at that.  They can't be mad at you for hospital policy.   

 

Sometimes I am so thankful that my birth with DS was early and spontaneous and in the middle of the night and even that I had bp issues because we had a solid 12 hours before the IL's were allowed to see us and a couple of more hours until my parents got into town.   Now, there is no question, DH and I both agree it was perfect that way and no one will be at the hospital until we tell them to come.  If they have their feelings hurt, so be it.   

ayersfam20

Nope, not unreasonable at all.  I told everyone with DS that I did not want anyone in the hospital while I was in labor.  Of course, MIL and my Mom wanted to come anyway.  I told them they were more than welcome to sit in the uncomfortable hallway chairs, but that it would make more sense to wait at my house( for my Mom) or their house (for my ILs).  I honestly can't remember if I saw anyone before I had C or not.  I was induced at 8am and he was born at 12:30, so there wasn't much time if I did.

After he was born we still did not let them come in.  DH took a video of his 1st bath and took it out to the room to show them instead.  After DS and I both got cleaned up DH brought DD in 1st because  we wanted her to be the 1st one besides us to meet him and wanted to have some time with just the 4 of us before everyone came in.

After that they came in, but I had the nurses and DH kick them out when I needed.

Just stick to your guns - they'll be "mad" and "hurt" but they'll get over it.  

melrrr

We don't have family in town, so it wasn't an issue but we refused to let anyone come to the hospital.

chrisbride04

ayersfam20:

After he was born we still did not let them come in.  DH took a video of his 1st bath and took it out to the room to show them instead.  After DS and I both got cleaned up DH brought DD in 1st because  we wanted her to be the 1st one besides us to meet him and wanted to have some time with just the 4 of us before everyone came in.

After that they came in, but I had the nurses and DH kick them out when I needed.

Just stick to your guns - they'll be "mad" and "hurt" but they'll get over it.  

 This is exactly what we want too. We want DS to be the first one to meet his brother. I  thought they would understand bringing DS up to the hospital for us, then getting to see the baby after the 4 of us had spent a little time together. I finally told them that they can come sit in the waiting areas, but that doesn't mean their getting to see the baby any quicker. I think one of my younger sisters "gets" it and is going to help with DS and bring him up to meet his brother before anyone else does. My mom acts like not meeting the baby until he's maybe 2-3 hours old is somehow going to hurt their bond. I am slowly getting over this and realizing they are the ones with a different way of thinking about this, not me and my generation like they think.