Just me?........(vent)

happywifemomofone

I'm going to start by telling everyone with recent BFP how happy I am for you.

I am having a very difficult time.....as I'm tired and beginning to think that my time for a BFP that sticks may never come.  I'm finding myself jealous of all those you get lucky.  I don't like this part of myself-and even feel ashamed to put this into words.   I have been watching the PG after 35 board and seeing ladies that started here delivering their babies.  I am sad because I always thought I'd be joining them....and now many of them our moving on to other boards.  I'm sitting here bawling because I feel this way.   Why?    Why?  What did I do?   Why is it so random who gets a BFP?   Sometimes it happens unexpectedly-sometimes after years of trying.   I step away from this board for a few days.....but then I remember how incredibly  isolating my TTC journey is IRL.  Sometimes I think I need a therapist-but then a while later, not so much.   Just feeling incredibly emotional-terrified to start my final IVF cycle next week.  I don't think that I can handle another chemical-think a BFN is much easier.  One of girls at work today told me she's expecting in May- she will have 2 under 2.  How much easier it would have been for me if I'd had similar news to share.

NuggetJo

I think the emotions you are feeling and very real and honest and you should not be ashamed! TTC is a tough journey and we are all here to support you, will you on and offer a shoulder to cry on so to speak. I am sorry you are feeling sad and if I could wave my wagic wand (a la Harry Potter) I would give ALL the ladies on here BFP's tomorrow. 

Please don't give up hope and I am praying that your next IVF cycle brings you the happy news you desperately want and so so deserve.  

winidpu

I can so relate to what you just wrote word for word. IF is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through and can't believe I have been at this for almost two years now. You will never understand unless you have gone through it...that I totally believe now. I can't talk about the ins and outs of this process unless it's with a person who's gone through it because I am so sick of hearing just relax, drink wine and things such as that. I was such a positive person when I started this whole process and now I am so jaded. I am not sure it's going to happen for me and I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around that. My DH and I had this same discussion last night. He has a daughter and I have no kids. He just does not have that same sense of urgency that I do. I am sorry that you are having a tough time and I so don't want to take over your post w/ my rant. I just wanted you to know that there are many of us out there going through the same thing and really struggling w/ the whole process. Hang in there and vent away. That's what we're all here for.

happywifemomofone

Thanks ladies for accepting be in this difficult place that I am in tonight.  Having a margarita and think that I'm going to bed very early due to complete emotional exhaustion.

 

Llamamama

I am so sorry you are having a hard time today.  I think we have all been there and honestly I would have gone crazy by now if it weren't for this group reading and responding to my vent posts. 

I too get extremely jealous of those who just "get" pregnant.  As if they are the chosen ones and the rest of us who are struggling have yet to prove we are deserving.  It's really unfair.  Big hugs to you today. 

brooklynesque

I'm sorry you're feeling down tonight.  I think everyone who's dealt with IF for any length of time has the same feelings sometimes -- you're not alone.  I hope this next IVF cycle will be your turn for a BFP. 

Mrs.McIrish

happywifemomofone:

I'm going to start by telling everyone with recent BFP how happy I am for you.

I am having a very difficult time.....as I'm tired and beginning to think that my time for a BFP that sticks may never come.  I'm finding myself jealous of all those you get lucky.  I don't like this part of myself-and even feel ashamed to put this into words.   I have been watching the PG after 35 board and seeing ladies that started here delivering their babies.  I am sad because I always thought I'd be joining them....and now many of them our moving on to other boards.  I'm sitting here bawling because I feel this way.   Why?    Why?  What did I do?   Why is it so random who gets a BFP?   Sometimes it happens unexpectedly-sometimes after years of trying.   I step away from this board for a few days.....but then I remember how incredibly  isolating my TTC journey is IRL.  Sometimes I think I need a therapist-but then a while later, not so much.   Just feeling incredibly emotional-terrified to start my final IVF cycle next week.  I don't think that I can handle another chemical-think a BFN is much easier.  One of girls at work today told me she's expecting in May- she will have 2 under 2.  How much easier it would have been for me if I'd had similar news to share.

Are you in my head?? 

 DH and I made arrangements to have the room in my house that "would" have been a nursery painted next week.  We never did anything in that room when we moved in last summer since I "thought" we'd paint it a specific color once I was pg. Well, I can't stand looking at the empty ugly room at this point since it is clearly not a nursery . I'm having it painted grey as that is my mood.

happywifemomofone

Mrs.McIrish:

happywifemomofone:

I'm going to start by telling everyone with recent BFP how happy I am for you.

I am having a very difficult time.....as I'm tired and beginning to think that my time for a BFP that sticks may never come.  I'm finding myself jealous of all those you get lucky.  I don't like this part of myself-and even feel ashamed to put this into words.   I have been watching the PG after 35 board and seeing ladies that started here delivering their babies.  I am sad because I always thought I'd be joining them....and now many of them our moving on to other boards.  I'm sitting here bawling because I feel this way.   Why?    Why?  What did I do?   Why is it so random who gets a BFP?   Sometimes it happens unexpectedly-sometimes after years of trying.   I step away from this board for a few days.....but then I remember how incredibly  isolating my TTC journey is IRL.  Sometimes I think I need a therapist-but then a while later, not so much.   Just feeling incredibly emotional-terrified to start my final IVF cycle next week.  I don't think that I can handle another chemical-think a BFN is much easier.  One of girls at work today told me she's expecting in May- she will have 2 under 2.  How much easier it would have been for me if I'd had similar news to share.

Are you in my head?? 

 DH and I made arrangements to have the room in my house that "would" have been a nursery painted next week.  We never did anything in that room when we moved in last summer since I "thought" we'd paint it a specific color once I was pg. Well, I can't stand looking at the empty ugly room at this point since it is clearly not a nursery . I'm having it painted grey as that is my mood.

We made our "nursery room" into an office....and DH painted it dk blue!  Guess its our way of letting go a little bits of our wants and beginning to live in our current reality. 

annalisel

You're not alone and it is hard, and unfair, and incredibly random. You're right that jealousy isn't the healthiest emotion, but you shouldn't feel bad about yourself over it every once in awhile. It just shows how important having a baby is to you. 

I confess that I also have bad thoughts. I wonder what other women did to deserve having a baby. Did they take better care of themselves? Do they have a more positive attitude? Are they just better people? It seems like there should be a reason, but it just seems so random.

owlprof

Happy wife, you are not alone.  I think this week has been a hard one, as I realized that many of the women who were on this board when I started are gone.  Many went on to PG 35+, and as you said, although I am happy for them, it is hard.  I think it is even harder when I think about the women who are gone because it is the end of the road, or because they need a break because being consumed by TTC is too much. 

I really, really, really hope that this IVF is successful for you, and I wish I was there to have a margarita with you in person! 

Good luck to all of us as we go forward, especially as we make our ways through the holidays.

mtlaurel

You're not alone. I am having a harder and harder time with the boards, too, and find safety in IF Vets at this point. It's unfair, and the emotions ebb and flow, but are always there. Big hugs.

Country Girl in the City

You are not alone.  I had no idea when we first started trying again that I would get this sad when things did not work out.  Good luck on your IVF cycle and remember that there are people both here and IRL that care about you.

ForTheLoveOf Pink

First I want to say good luck with upcoming IVF.

The words you have written are so very true for me also. I find myself "happy" for others , but really I force myself to say congrats. Congrats that it happened for them....but in reality another day of failure in my dream of having a take home baby. It is not just you!! Lots of us can relate to this feeling of .....anger that it is NOT happening.

Cheers to moving on to a better day!!! 

 

irishgirl0525

You are definitely not alone in feeling that way and I am so sorry you are having a hard time.  I am so glad you are doing another cycle next month, and I hope and pray that this is the one that works for you.

I really do try not to get too upset about people I know who are getting pregnant easily but it's gotten more and more difficult for me lately. Of course I am happy for them and don't wish IF on anyone, but it's just so F-ing unfair and in the last few months I feel I have been slipping into a jealousy spiral.

I also recently have been lurking on the PG after 35 board to see what others are up to and recognize names from when I first started posting on here back in February, and I miss the posters who have recently moved on to that board. Not sure why I am doing that to myself, but I hope I can join in over there sometime soon.

I can relate to the margaritas, I hope you were able to enjoy and that you are feeling a little better today...

 

arevere

I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time, emotionally.  I totally understand your feelings.

I actually have a recurring dream that I get a BFP and write a post about! I wake up feeling so good that I'm finally KU and got to tell you ladies about it. Then I actually wake up and realize it was just a dream. How weird is that?

I hope this IVF cycle is the one for you. I hope you have good news to share with us soon. I hope we all have reasons to be happy very soon.

And if you feel like you need to talk to someone IRL, a therapist is a good idea. I used to go to a therapist (non IF realted) and the great thing is, they LISTEN and don't hand out platitudes.

 Big hugs for you today.

 

 

KZ2010

Oh, this is definitely not just you.  I feel the exact same way.  It's a difficult dance to balance my genuine happiness for others who get their take home babies and my envy that I haven't had that same success.  I just try to be accepting of my feelings at the moment and try not to be too hard on myself if I'm feeling angry, envious, sad, etc.  The conflicting emotions are completely natural.  Hopefully that helps you. 

I really hope that your next cycle is your BFP.  T&P headed your way.

njpabzy

Happy Wife, you are soooooo not alone. I wish I had great words of wisdom and hope to make everyone feel better but sadly I do not. Knowing that we are not alone in how we feel at least reminds me that I am not crazy but it really does not make me feel better. In fact in makes me feel a bit more sad knowing that others feel as miserable and down as I do. I don't want anyone else to feel what I am feeling and I pray that this cycle is a success for you. Feel free to vent away anytime. Very big hugs being sent your way!!

XV11Star

It's weird I've been really feeling the same way lately.  I have been lurking on IFV's and PGafter35 more often also... kind of a weird contrast of comforting, isn't it??

Anyway, I just wanted to say that we are here for you and I'm offering up a hug and raising my wine glass to ya.  Wishing you the best for this cycle, and for all of us to be able to move on to PG boards together - like one great big graduating class!!