Vent...

mommy2be1991

I'm 20, pregnant, single and going through a lot of Sh!t.

Last week I went to testify against the man who sexually assaulted me a year ago. [not the father].

I spent 3 days on the stand in the superior court being torn apart. It was the most difficult thing I ever did. I hid my baby bump and dug down into the deepest reservoirs of courage. Everyone told me I did great. He was caught lying on the stand four times and none of that mattered. 

He chose a jury. The jury decided not guilty. He's a free man just like that.

The judge was shocked and actually wrote me a letter apologizing for the legal system and that it happened, even with all the evidence. Everyone involved was and shocked, from the detective, to my lawyer, to his lawyer. Everyone was certain he would be convicted after 6 days of hearing evidence. 

It's not fair. I feel betrayed and I am sorta regretting doing what I did. I stood up for myself ultimately. But I feel like I lost. He gets to walk free.

He's done this before, but under Canadian law his criminal record was concealed for a 'fair trial'.

Right now, he's out there again. I wonder how many more women need to be hurt and violated before he actually gets convicted.

I don't know how much more I can handle this week. Between that, getting gestational diabetes, having a scare at the hospital last night, having someone close to me leaving for good, and some other things I'm not ready to share... I think if something else happens I might crack...

I can't help but blame myself.  

PrincessFiona9

I'm sorry to hear about that. It sounds like you are going through quite a rough time. Stay strong! We're always here for those days when you just have to vent.

BostonGayGal

It sucks to feel betrayed. But the standard in a criminal trial is so incredibly high. 

Don't make his conviction your success or failure. Move on. The result of the trial doesn't make your courage any less amazing and I suspect in the long term ... healing. Testifying gave you back the power he once had over you. He will never have that power over you again. Now you can move on.

Focus on the babe. Focus on eating well. Take care of yourself, and hold on tight, because the scenery will change. The silver lining to all-time-lows in life is the great probability that things are about to get better.   

WhatDidIDoWrong

I am really sorry you are having to deal with all of this. You did a very brave thing.

If you haven't already find yourself a really good therapist that you trust. I started seeing one when I was 4 months pregnant and she was good but the one I switched to a few months ago is amazing and has really helped. I also started taking anti-anxiety medicine while I was still pregnant. It pretty much saved me and my son was born perfectly healthy. 

Take care of yourself and your baby. 

monpetitechouchou01

I've never been sexually assaulted so I don't know entirely how you feel. However, I did have a stalker when I was about 15 years old. He followed me home one day, stopped me at the side of the road twice, exposed himself the second and then tried to force me into his car. I managed to run away and call for help (and somehow memorize his license plate number). This man knew everything about me (my schedule, where I lived etc) and had followed me home on many occasions until he decided to make his move. He had done this to many other young girls in nearby towns (and who knows how far he got as well), was a father and obviously had some severe issues.

I never wanted to testify against him but after doing so I don't regret it. I know how you felt on the stand. They will grill you and attempt to make you doubt yourself. I felt violated moreso on stand than I did in person. Seeing the man was torture. Being forced to answer questions and answer everything in detail was embarrassing. I look back at that and think that if anything came out of it at least perhaps he was able to consider that some other little girl would also take him to court and getting caught again was a possibility. 

You may not have gotten what you deserved... but you had the strength and courage to get up there and defend yourself! I'd like to think that if we don't get what we deserve in this lifetime we certainly will in another. I'm also a huge believer in what goes around comes around. I can't imagine what you went through because it pales in comparison to my own experience I'm sure. However, please don't think of it as a failure. So many women can't get themselves to stand in court because it adds more pain to their existing suffering and because its scary. But you went up there not only for yourself but for others. So on behalf of all victims out there... Thank you!