Disability & Fears. How do we decide if Adoption is for us?

DC ICSI Momma

Hubby and I are evaluating what our next steps are after a couple failed IVF cycles.  We really want to have a family but I'm not sure about how valid an option Adoption is for us.

1. I'm afraid my Husband's disability would severely decrease the likelyhood that we'd get matched.

2. I'm afraid we would have trouble bonding with the baby.

3.  Not sure if we would like an "open adoption" but from lurking here it seems that's the way people are going more often than not.

 I will continue to learn by lurking but just thought maybe you guys could give us some thoughts.

erinmc1

1. You didn't state what your husband's disability is, but if it's not life-threatening, and he'd still be able to provide care for the child, I don't see why that would prohibit you getting matched.  Our agency just wanted to make sure we were in good enough health that we wouldn't communicate anything to the child, or we wouldn't leave the child parent-less because of a life-threatening condition.

2. My husband had the same fears.  One of the adoptive couples my agency brought in to speak addressed them, and the dad admitted he'd had the same fears, but now, he laughs at how silly they were, because that is HIS child.

3. This was another of my husband's fears, but the benefits are countless: the child has the opportunity to know where he/she came from, medical background, and has the opportunity to ask why the parents made an adoption plan instead of parenting.  And you get the benefit of not having to tell your child "I don't know" about any of those questions.  It really seems to take a lot of the mistrust and sense of betrayal out of the equation.  

Since we decided to go the open adoption route, my hubby found out one of the guys he works with is adopted through a closed adoption, while his sister's adoption was open.  He said that his sister seems much better adjusted, and he's always been jealous that she doesn't have all those unanswered questions.

 Hope that helps a little bit.  Good luck, whatever you decide! 

Dr.Loretta

1. It depends on the disability. Your best bet is to call potential agencies and flat-out ask them. They will be more than willing to share if that will be an issue or not. ETA: I see it's quadriplegia. I still say call and ask.

2. Why?

3. Open adoption encompasses a wide spectrum of openness, from regular letters and pictures through the agency to full knowledge and involvement in each other's lives. You are not expected to see each other every day or co-parent.

My best advice is 1) take a look at the FAQs at the top of the board for some resources to help you make some decisions and 2) find a copy of Adopting After Infertility. It's an outdated book from the standpoint of the adoption part, but the up-front section has a lot of questions you and your DH can ask yourselves and discuss to see what your future path should be.

ETA: If you do your research and decide your fears are insurmountable, that's perfectly OK. Adoption is not for everyone. But your fears are not that out of the ordinary, and a lot of adoptive parents have felt them at some point or another. I remember us telling our social worker that we'd be upset but not devastated if a placement fell through. As soon as we met DD, DH said to me "I think I'll die if she has to leave us." And some bio parents don't bond with their kids right away,. And that's OK.

Keep asking questions. We're here to answer them

Dragonfly_Bride

There is at least one couple from my agency where one of the parents is in a wheelchair (the dad). The mom blogs about their adoption, although not much is spent focused on the wheelchair aspect of their lives, it might still be a nice read for you. They were chosen within the first year, I believe (open adoption). The woman who writes it is very friendly and upbeat. I think if you had any questions you could get in touch with her (through the blog, or if there's no contact info, just page me here & I'll connect you). Check out her blog  **here**

DC ICSI Momma

Thanks for the responses and encouragement!

For Question 1: I know an agency can't turn us away because of my Husband's quadriplegia, I'm just thinking that with all the couples out there, a birth mother may not choose us because we don't seem like as solid a family as other options.

For Question 2:  While I know I want to be a mother, I'm just not naturally drawn to children.  My family doesn't have any babies or other kids and I just don't spend much time with others children. I just have no way of knowing of how difficult the beginning stages might be.

 I know I'm very early in the process, so thanks again.

DC ICSI Momma

Dragonfly_Bride:

There is at least one couple from my agency where one of the parents is in a wheelchair (the dad). The mom blogs about their adoption, although not much is spent focused on the wheelchair aspect of their lives, it might still be a nice read for you. They were chosen within the first year, I believe (open adoption). The woman who writes it is very friendly and upbeat. I think if you had any questions you could get in touch with her (through the blog, or if there's no contact info, just page me here & I'll connect you). Check out her blog  **here**

 

Thanks, I'm excited to check it out.

Dr.Loretta

DC ICSI Momma:

For Question 1: I know an agency can't turn us away because of my Husband's quadriplegia, I'm just thinking that with all the couples out there, a birth mother may not choose us because we don't seem like as solid a family as other options.

There's a family for everyone. Your wait *might* be longer, but it might not. Birthparents look for all sorts of things in an adoptive family, and a family who has overcome or is living with a disability may be one of those types of families. Plus you may end up with an international adoption or foster/adopt, in which case you're not being chosen by birthparents.

For Question 2:  While I know I want to be a mother, I'm just not naturally drawn to children.  My family doesn't have any babies or other kids and I just don't spend much time with others children. I just have no way of knowing of how difficult the beginning stages might be.

LOL, kids didn't like me until about a year or so before we became parents. You know how they say it will be different with your own kids? It will be different with your own kids. The beginning stages may be incredibly difficult, or they may be smooth sailing. Such is the nature of life. You will get through it, just like other parents have.