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Appropriately punishing?
Hi all. I don't frequent this boar but I think you may be the best group for some advice.
I am a step mom to a 5 year old little boy. Tonight DH and I were discussing an Easter dress I want to buy for my baby (due in March) and DH said to wait because we don't know how big she will be- to which the 5 year old replied "yeah we do- she be fat like you!"
What do you think appropriate handling of this situation would involve? DH told him that's not nice and I got a forced apology- but that is it. My feelings are totally hurt and I feel that time out, send to room, stop playing video game for the night, etc would have been more appropriate to somehow reiterate that being mean has negative consequences. Thoughts?
TIA!
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Re: Appropriately punishing?
First, don't let a 5 year old hurt your feelings, that's just silly. Second, often children that age are very honest and say what is on their mind not knowing it can be hurtful to others. I'm not sure a punishment is in order here. Having a conversation with him is. You need to teach him that we have to think about what we say before we speak. Adults even have a hard time with this. This is going to be something that he'll continue to need practice doing. Nice, polite reminders for when he does say something potentially hurtful is fine at this age. I think what your husband did was fine. Later on down the line though if he continues you to call you "fat" then let him know there will be a consequence.
One of my students told me I looked like an M&M the other day. She was not being mean, she was being honest and said it in a funny and maybe even in a hurtful way (perhaps if I was 5 it would be hurtful to me). I just explained to her that yes, I kind of do. I have on a blue dress just like a blue M&M.
You know this little guy personally so only you can decide if he was truly trying to be unkind, or, more likely, simply not understanding appropriate comments. We tell kids to always tell the truth. Well, as a pregnant lady, you probably aren't your trimmest, so "fat" would be a word he might use to describe you. He needs to learn we don't always share some comments.
If this was a pattern, I might look into some sort of consequence. As it is, I think the teaching moment of addressing nice/appropriate comments is sufficient.
You over-reacted and I agree with the pp it would have been an awesome moment to teach the difference between pregnant and fat and how we don't use harsh words like that to describe people. Take a chill pill.
And please don't refer to your child as MINE and HIS. Poor little guy has probably already gone through enough...
I can't find anywhere in the post where I referred to SS as HIS. I referred to "my baby" in explaining that I am pregnant. I have to say I respectfully disagree with the fact that I over-reacted. I am angry about it-for sure. But I didn't say a word to SS- I let DH handle that- as he prefers the discipline to be handled.
I still believe that he needs to be taught right from wrong and some small punishment is necessary to avoid this happening again in the future. DH is a "Disney Dad" and will realize that undisciplined children are cute EOW- but 7 days a week it won't be acceptable once OUR little one is here.
Couple thoughts:
1) five year olds are well known for blurting out stuff like this. Sometimes they do it because they haven't learned to be tactful yet. Sometimes they know they're being provocative, and they just want to push your buttons.
2) to a kid this age, pregnant = fat, but they don't mean it in a bad way.
3) grown ups generally ARE bigger and fatter than 5 year olds. Even a slim adult has more meat on his/her bones than a typical kid. Kids this age are impressed with our size, which makes us seem powerful to them. So he may not be meaning this as an insult at all... or he may be!
At any rate, I would not overreact to this kind of teasing. It just shows this kid that he has the power to use words to hurt your feelings. If you give a big reaction, he'll only pull this trick again the next time he's upset with you.
Instead, talk about how it's not nice to call people fat and how it can hurt people's feelings. Let him know that the baby WILL have what's called "baby fat" just like all babies do, but -- just like he did -- the baby will look skinnier when it gets older. While you're at it, you can acknowledge that pregnant ladies have big tummies and can look "fat" but that this will change too.
If you are overweight, and you don't expect to be "skinny" again after the baby is born, you can talk about how people come in all sizes, and the most important thing is being healthy. You can relate that rules you have about snacks and eating healthy foods. You and his dad don't let him eat a whole bag of chips and a can of soda because it's not good for him, etc.
But, I would not "punish" him for saying this by spanking, giving a time out, taking away privileges, etc. To me, this is a situation that requires teaching, not punishment.
I think you need to read up on child development. 5 year olds say things like that. As an adult, you take it in stride and use it as a teaching opportunity.
It sounds like you need to grow up a little.
Your H handled it just fine.
Mommy to DS#1 7/1/04 and DS#2 6/15/07
M/C 2/16/10 at 9wks 5 days~ D&C 2/18/10
BFP#4 5/17/11 C/P.
BFP#5 11/30/12 Surprise! DS#3 born 7/29/13
All of this. My kids have been asking me when my belly was going to get fat for a couple months know. They have no filter yet. I'd much rather they say these things at home than when we're out so that I have an opportunity to discuss what is appropriate with them.
IMO, sometimes the best thing to do when you don't know what to do when your DC exhibits behavior you don't like is to tell them that it was inappropriate and you will have to think about the right way to handle it. Sometimes that makes them think "uh oh, I did something that was wrong" and you will get an apology without forcing it. It also give you a chance to calm down and get some perspective.