A vent, a question, advice wanted...all of the above (LONG) and NBR

Telyco

Does anyone here have a family member with a substance abuse problem? My brother has been dealing with it since he was a teen. My parents sent him to a rehab and things went downhill after that. He has held a job for maybe 1 year total over the past ten...has lived on and off with people but always comes home to my parents house. He needed to start over so we offered him our rental apartment last year (we owned a double and lived in the lower) so he came and then his girlfriend came. They set up a nice place but my brother never found a job and then one day they ended up having a huge fight and the word "Drugs" was brought up and she moved out and we kicked my brother out and I haven't really talked to him since. Earlier this year he got arrested (shockingly, he had never been before) and was put on some strict program where he has to appear in drug court every monday and he has therapy appointments and whatever. Well, he has missed or failed drug tests or whatever a couple of times and gets sent to jail for a week. The sh!t hit the fan on Friday - where apparantly he did (really bad) drugs and called 911 asking for help. The cops showed up to my parents house at like 9:30 am and my parents had no idea what was going on. So they drove all around trying to find a detox place for him and now are trying to find a place for him to go - this is if he doesn't just go to prison.

Evan's birthday party was Saturday and my parents were supposed to come up for the weekend. We bought them a living social deal for the Barton Hotel & Spa for the weekend as a belated anniversary present...so they were all excited for 2 nights in a nice hotel. Both my parents were so upset. My dad couldn't even come because he was dealing with my brother and ended up taking him to the hospital who then tranferred him to the mental health center. My mom ended up leaving at 6am to come to Evan's party. I felt to bad for her. My dad was calling her 100 times. My sister was calling her 100 times.  And here she had to be all happy for DH's family.

I'm just so lost as to what to do to help. I offered to make calls. But I don't care about my brother any more. He brought drugs into my home where my kids lived. I know it was a separate apartment, but I don't care. He's dead to me. He lies, he cheats, he steals. My kids won't ever know him until he cleans up for years and years and years. But I love my parents...they are SUCH good people and even though my brother is a mess - they have been awesome parents. So I want to help them. but what can I do?

They are saying that they will not allow my brother back in the house. But if he is not in jail or in a rehab place next weekend...I don't want to bring my kids to my parents house at all. As it is, we made reservations to stay at a hotel on Saturday night and we wanted to see them and my nieces and nephews...but I just can't risk my brother being there so I don't know if I will go at all. I would freak if my brother showed up. This is going to CRUSH my parents but my kids will always come first.

Ahhh...well at least I typed some of it out and feel a *little* better.

meryltheresa

Wow that is so frustrating!  We don't have anyone with substance abuse problems, we deal with the mental stuff!  lol!  I just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing by keeping your kids away from that.  They are so young, and don't understand.  At some point you have to just remove yourself, you know?

MrsWhiteonWhiteSt

That's heartbreaking. I don't know what you can do to help your parents. Just be a shoulder for them. Call to check in and see how they're holding up. Tell them the truth- you want to see them but you're not coming if your brother comes. I can't imagine someday turning my kid away from Thanksgiving but maybe it will be the tough love your brother needs from your parents.

I'm with you- I would cut off all ties until he gets his sh!t together. If it were me, First, I'd write an honest letter. I'd probably say how much I love him and wish he could be there as an uncle to see your kids grow up. Explain that his habits make you feel unsafe bringing the kids around and how sad that makes you. I'd let him know that once he's made the decision to live responsibly you will happily start the relationship over- clean slate.

Telyco

Well, this opens another bag of issues...but I feel such a pressure to not cause them 1 spec of worry, stress, etc. And it's been this way for a loooong time. They joke, well sort of, that they won't know what to do if I lost it too. My mom has said that as recently as last week! (My sister is just getting out of a long stretch of awfulness with a divorce and remarriage and some other stuff) They tease and call me the good child, haha...I am so glad that I can give that to them. But it sucks that both my siblings have basically taken away my support system. And yeah, my parents shouldn't put that kind of pressure on me but I KNOW they don't realize that they are doing it. And I will never, ever say anything.

Telyco

I do like the idea of a letter. I have written him letters before and have sent him cards when he gets a job that can really go someplace. but they are more in support of not ultimatum like - maybe this would do something.

I watch Intervention during my lunch break sometimes..they do this.

MrsWhiteonWhiteSt

Telyco:

I watch Intervention during my lunch break sometimes..they do this.

omg. You say "lunch break" too! Haha! DH laughs because when everyone afternoon naps I will eat my lunch at my laptop or watch a short DVR show and call it my lunch break.

wendyj

I'm so sorry. It is really hard. DH's nephew has been in and out of jail or rehab more times than I can count in the last 3 years, and he's only 20. He and his brain-fried girlfriend just had a baby last week, who my SIL currently has custody of him for the next 6 months while nephew and girlfriend go through detox/rehab and parenting classes (evidently he wants the baby, girlfriend does not, so they will go through the motions to what end, I don't know). Baby tested positive for opiates and in the last day or so has started going through withdrawal. My heart breaks for the little guy because although he is in a great home right now, who knows what his life will be like in 6 months. SIL has tried to talk the baby's father into giving up custodial rights so the little one can be adopted, but so far it's a no-go.

I know how you feel about not wanting your kids around your brother. Every time we do see DH's nephew, I do everything in my power to keep Ian away from him. My heart breaks thinking of what he was like when I first met him 10 years ago, and what he is now. I watch my SIL's life get consumed by dealing with rehab facilities, court dates, jail visits, and her other 3 kids kind of get left by the wayside. I'm not sure what to offer as advice - just try to be there for your parents, and give them the joy of being with their grandchildren when you can. I would also be up front with your parents about your worries that your brother will be at their house, and that you don't want your children with him. I am not looking forward to this weekend when we'll do the obligatory visit to SIL's house. I'm thinking seriously of having DH check to make sure nephew isn't there before going over. Seeing the baby will be one thing, but I swear if either nephew or his girlfriend were there, I'd want to knock them silly.

Telyco

Haha, yep! It also makes me feel less guilty for sitting on my butt and watching TV or surfing and eating.

TinaL99

I don't have a ton of advice, but I have a sister who has given my parents a run for their money to say the least.  Her and my 6 year old niece still live with them and it's just a bad situation, constant fighting.  I feel so bad for my parents, they're basically raising my niece when they should be enjoying being grandparents.

Anyway, I would just be there for your parents as much as you can.  Maybe try to set up a few times that you can invite them for a visit w/o your brother.  Support them and let them know you are there for them.  I agree with trying to write your brother an open and honest letter.  It's unfortunate that your kids may never know their uncle, but if it's for the best then so be it.  ((hugs))

ArcticFox

Have you ever watched Celeb Rehab?  It seems like drugs/addictions are a very vicious cycle.  So sad and to see families ripped apart and devastated.  So sorry you are going through this.

jewelsonu

this is dh's brother to a T. This is one of the reason's why I don't want to go and visit.  They are constantly bailing him out of jail or trouble. One year my MIL gave him $ to buy the kids Christmas gifts and he bought drugs instead.  He has also stolen a bunch of stuff from dh's mom (including her engagement ring)  Dh told his mom to let him be b/c when she dies noone is going to take care of him.  I don't get how you can let it ruin your life. 

I'm sorry you are going through this.  You have to do what is right for your kids. They are your top priority

xKimx

I've been through some similar stuff but I don't want to post too much about it here. Send me a PM or message on fb if you want to chat. *hugs* it sucks.

Telyco

Thanks girls..

It definitely sucks and I'm sorry others have gone through it too. I have tried to get my parents to get into a therapy program too but my Dad won't do it. He is just too embarassed and doesn't think he could emotionally go through it. He has worked so hard to give us a good start in life and I'm sure feels like a failure. Which is the worst part for me.

sunnygirl05

I don't really have any advice, as I've never had anyone in my family go through this.  However, I wanted to say that your support probably means more to your parents than you realize.  I work with clients who have mental health and substance abuse issues and I think I would do the tough love thing if it was my sister going through it.  And obviously your kids are your first concern, so as a parent you have to protect them.  I would just continue to be there for your parents. I can't imagine the emotions they must go through in this situation.