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Chrysallys
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Announcing pregnancy to SD
Chrysallys
member
My DH just came back from Starbucks with my almost 18yr old SD and told her I was pregnant. I'm taking it didn't go well. She locked herself in her room and DH went to work to "get away". He said she was freaking out.
How should I deal with this? Keep in mind this is the child who clings to her dad.
Our pregnancy was a surprise and frankly, a miracle.
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Re: Announcing pregnancy to SD
I know it is scary, I understand that. It's scary for all of us. However, she is going away to college out of country and wouldn't be here anyway so it's not like a baby would be taking her dad away from her.
Of course, that said, she hopes we will move to Canada so she can live with us while she goes to college.
I don't know, the whole thing makes me sad. I wish we were close like we used to be and I wish we didn't have to be in such competition over her dad. I'm sure part of her feels this is just me taking him away from her even more.
My DD is 14, and she and I were "it" for the first 10 years of her life, since I raised her alone. In the last 4 years she had to deal not only with me falling for DH, but also with his three children, of whom he has full custody. She went from being an only to a family of six very quickly. Even so, when we started talking about trying to have a baby, it was very hard for her to think about having to share me. Not that she wasn't already, but none of the other kids have the same relationship with me. It has taken some time, but she's doing better now that I'm pregnant, and she's had a few months to get used to the idea.
Give your SD some time, talk to her if she wants, be there if she wants, but most of all, give her time with her dad so she knows he's still there for her.
(And if anybody tells you to be sure you have a boy so she doen't feel threatened, deck them. I've been told by my MIL I better have a boy so my SD doesn't feel threatened. Sorry, sweety, she'll have to learn to cope regardless of what genetalia my baby has!)
First Congrats!
When ds first found out he was upset and has slowly gotten used to the idea. 9yrs of being an only child and many years of mommy being his only family. She may just be in shock for now. Is she the kind that get all googly at babies? Maybe she will love to go shop for baby things and have some input, it could help her feel less left out since she is going away soon?
Here is the thing. She is ALLOWED to feel what ever she is feeling. And you should acknowledge and even validate those feelings.
HOWEVER, she is NOT ALLOWED to be rude to either of you. If you let her get away with "walking away from you without talking or making snarky comments, you are opening yourself up to a whole mess of trouble.
Engage her, be understanding, but force her to work through her feelings like the adult (seriously, why haven't you clearly told her that you are not going to move YOUR life to another country so she can live with you during her college years?) she wants to be?
I can't say this because we may actually move. Not because she wants us to but because my DH is being laid off in January and he has had an offer in Toronto. DH's family is in Ontario so it is a possibility. However, hes entertaining all offers not just that one.
We'll see how today goes. She continued to be budy buddy with her dad last night and wouldn't even look at me. I'll give her time to be pissed but if she's still giving me the cold shoulder tonight I'll have to try and sit down with her.
Chrysallys - It's so awesome to hear from you! I am sooo happy for the both of you. A baby is such great news.
Okay - I am attempting to breathe at a calm normal rate. Your SD is 18 and she needs to stop being a pouty baby. She's had her father's attention for all this time. Plus she has issues from the "split". Okay I completely understand. I do.
However - if her parents weren't able to give her counseling (her behavior clearly states she needs it) then it's not your problem that she is freaking out. No worries my dear - It's your life, she is moving on with hers, your husband played a HUGE role in this. Yet she is pissed at you? Uh sorry she needs to grow up.
Make sure your DH is backing you up is she ever disrespects you. Don't let this little brat rain on your parade baby.
You're going to be a mommy - enjoy and ignore the rest.
First, have a clear convo with DH about it. HE needs to address her actions and reactions MORE SO than you.
Second, again on the same page with DH, be clear that this move is based on his job needs, not hers. Every time she mentions it, reply "We are very fortunate that your dad was able to get this job near you. It could have gone another way." And move on.
The thing is, STRESS IS NOT GOOD FOR THE BABY. I am not exagerating when I stress this. The moment you conceived, she no longer rates first. Hell YOU no longer rate first. Everything is about getting this baby through the next 9 months as healthy as possible.
It is not that the child is more important that the adult daughter, but that the pregnancy is. And your DH has to be 100% behind you on this one or the pregnancy is going to be long, uncomfortable and potentially dangerious.
Be firm here.
Illumine's advice is worth it's weight in GOLD. I recall you stated that your DH starting getting wishy washy about your baby plans, because his daughter hates babies.
Please stand firm with him on this NOW. You don't need the stress as you progress. He needs to be able to divert her angst away from you.
I would give her some time to get used to the idea, and then try to engage her in the excitement so she feels like a part of it.
Good luck and congrats on the pg!
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! I remember you from BOTB. Just give SD some time to come to grips with everything. My SD was not pleased either and I wish I could say things are great, she is still not a happy camper. Please put yourself first, take care of you and the baby.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help- just know that you have others in the same boat.
Sadly it has gotten worse. I tried to talk to her yesterday, say hello, when she came home from school. She left the room and went to her room. When I tried to talk to her through the door she yelled, "I can't hear you!". Hmm right. She wouldn't come out of her room all night, not even to eat dinner.
Later before I went to bed, I went into my DH's office to talk to him. She was in there which I didn't realize. She just sat there not even looking at me with the most nasty face you've ever seen. I asked her why she was angry at me and not at her dad. Her response, "He didn't even want it!" WTF?!
Now we were going through some issues that we are seeing a therapist for. DH wasn't sure at one point if we were going to try or take a break. However, he decided we would go ahead with IVF (which fell through anyway) so I think that means he decided to try again.
The things that pisses me off to no end is that he got pissed at me for saying anything to her and defended her for behaving that way towards me. WTH, she can speak to me that way and say what she did and I am the one who he gets mad at?
I thought adults were supposed to be a united front but it seems like he's united with her and I can just deal with what they decide. She can say what she wants because she's his daughter and I don't matter. Thank God we have therapy on Thursday because it can't come soon enough.
This whole situation has made me sick.
The things that pisses me off to no end is that he got pissed at me for saying anything to her and defended her for behaving that way towards me. WTH, she can speak to me that way and say what she did and I am the one who he gets mad at?
This is a HUGE red flag - it's not good. At all. You had mentioned how he keeps defending her over you. A man who cannot work with his wife on his marriage will never have a solid household. Sorry if I come off as religious but it's true. Do you guys go to church? Maybe they have a parenting class or someone your DH looks up to? Someone who is older and has been a sucessful parent? This would help along with the therapy you're now taking.
You must bring this up during therapy because as long as he has this attitude, your opinion will never matter. This will continue when your SD moves on with her life, and you both raise your child. Good Luck.
He doesn't go to church because he's an atheist. I go because I'm Catholic.
He isn't unhappy about the baby he just isn't acting very happy. He is going to be laid off in January so this is a very hard time for us and I know he's very, very worried how we are going to swing things financially (you know the whole guy/finances thing). We are also facing a major move when he does find work so I can see him being freaked out a bit.
The problem is, in the past he mentioned to her that he was unsure about us having a baby (don't get me started on why he feels the need to tell her every damn thing "She's my daughter..."). I guess she held on to that and now is using it against me.
Is it terrible that I'm counting the days when she's moved out of the house and in college? When she isn't home (visiting her mom etc.) things are so much better.
Is it terrible that I'm counting the days when she's moved out of the house and in college? When she isn't home (visiting her mom etc.) things are so much better.
No it isn't terrible that you feel this way. She sounds like hell on wheels. Good Luck with you and your hubby in therapy.
I am about to sound hardcore here. But once you conceived, this no longer became about you, DH or your SD. It became all about that baby inside you.
This is where YOU grow a pair, not for your marriage, but for that child inside of you.
You cannot "wait till she leaves" since that WILL NOT fix the issue at hand, which is that YOUR DH DOES NOT HAVE AN APPROPRIATE PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAUGHTER.
The thing is, children DO come first while you are raising them. But you have to be raising them properly. Teaching them right from wrong; respect; how to have empathy, compassion and common sense; how to NOT be self-centered, is what a GOOD parent does.
If your DH cannot do that now, why do you think he will be able to do that later? More importantly, why do you think he will be different with YOUR child?
Counseling at the very least.
And to get that, it falls on YOU to put YOUR child first, as a good parent should.
As I've mentioned before, we do go to a therapist. Maybe you missed that.
I also do have a pair and have spoken up for myself and my baby.
My comment about waiting for her to leave was not a comment about me wanting to push issues under the rug. I hate doing that and want to confront issues right away. Unfortunately, I'm the only one in my household who believes in that.
Chrysallys - I know how it must feel - it's two against one so to speak. I've been in your shoes and it's certainly a thousand times worse when you're pregnant and you're happy, but you're dealing with negative forces.
Ask your therapist if there are some coping techniques that you can use, to prevent unnecessary stress for your baby. Please take care of yourself - easier said than done, but really try to enjoy every second of your pregnancy. It's such a special time for you - don't let them rain on your parade. :-)
And that is what I am talking about. Keeping it in causes stress and that is not good for your baby.
And I know what I say. I had a Drs appt the Monday after SS decided to cry suicide wolf. My blood pressure 48 hr later was extremely high (I have extremely low blood pressure so a high reading is very high). The effects can cause kidney, liver and brain issues as well as preeclampsia - a leading cause of maternal death, as well as low birth weight, premature birth and still birth.
And I DO understand that this won't be an immediate change in the household dynamic. But so far your DH hasn't seemed (by your own posts) to even understand that there NEEDS to be a change yet. Physical health of your fetus comes before emotional health of an adult.
Again, I am not trying to be mean to YOU, I want you to be healthy. I want that baby to be healthy (btw - Reagan is kicking to say hello).