Delivery after assault

veganxvictoria

So this is a very personal question/post but it seems a lot of time people feel more open online then in actual life so here it goes?

 

So about 5 years ago I was raped by a boyfriend the details of that aren?t important what has me wondering is when I told my midwife about that she pointed out that a lot of times women who have gone through things like that end up having a hard emotional time through labor because you?re half naked, feel vulnerable and in pain and that I should try to visualize it to be better prepared for it. Ever since then it has been giving me lots of anxiety when I try to imagine delivery. Not because of the pain more because of the vulnerability. Which probably explains why I?m terrified of the hospital, doctors giving me meds I don?t want and being forced to be on my back through labor and delivery. I guess I was wondering if anyone who had gone through something similar had also gone through child birth and had any pointers to help. Again trust me I know it?s not the easiest subject but something about the anonymity of online seems to make it easier to ask.

frostnoel

I was raped by an aquaintance 2 years before I gave birth to DS#1.  I went through a lot in the 2 years between the events and ended up in therapy.  I don't know if it was the therapy, but I didn't have any issues with feeling vulnerable in L&D.  I also had a MW, so maybe it would have been more difficult if there had been men in the delivery room.

It probably wouldn't hurt to see a therapist if you are concerned about these issues.  I hope you are able to have the birth experience you want.

honkytonk_kid

I don't have any personal experience, but in nursing school I took care of a young lady having a baby after a rape so I have a couple things to think about.

First and foremost, I would look into a MW and a birthing center. You're more likely to get individualized attention, and less likely to have random staff members, students, gawkers, etc barging in to your room.

If you have to (or want to) deliver in a hospital, contact the hospital social work. Insist on it. She can help you in a variety of ways. The social worker for the young lady I took care of was able to get her the nurse most capable of handling the situation, made sure that staff members knew she would be breaking some of the "rules," did a little bit of sensitivity training among staff members, and just generally made her experience easier.

I would also encourage you to seek professional counseling- not that your MW's advice is wrong, but you could probably benefit from the insight of someone with more specific training.

A doula that you really connect with and trust might also be especially beneficial to you. A really fiesty doula who isn't afraid to go to bat for you

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, mama.

Corbin30

I am a rape survivor, and I worked on OB for several years. Here is my advice: Find a provider you trust completely. A midwife might be a better option for you because they tend to have a "high-touch, low-tech" approach. Make sure your provider knows about your history, and is willing to accomodate you. My midwife was very careful about always letting me know before she touched me, stoping what she was doing if I tensed up, and always asking before any procedure. She made sure I always knew that I was the one calling the shots.

Also, look into getting a doula. Again, someone you can trust completely. Again, let her know your history. She can help you create a safe space for yourself.

Finally, look for a phrase, a statement, something to hold on to. An affirmation of some kind. During my labor, when things felt out of control I would tell myself that what I was feeling wasn't pain, it was power. Power is not meant to be comfortable. Thinking of myself as being a powerful person made me feel more secure, less vulnerable.

My sons birth ended up being a big part of my healing. Because I had come so far from where I was, because I was strong, not a victim, because I hadn't let the rape destroy my chance to be happy and get what i wanted in my life. I hope you can find the same peace.

 

BradleyInstructor

I agree with PPs and they have some very good suggestion re: homebirth or birthing center, finding a care provider you trust (preferably MW) and having a doula for support. 

 In addition, if you can get your hands on a copy of the film Orgasmic Birth, there is an interview with a sexual assault survivor and she talks about the same kind of feelings you described with the vulnerability.  She said that having a natural, home birth and understanding the process of labor transformed her into a woman whose body "knew how to birth a baby" and really gave her a sense of empowerment. 

AJM796

If you can get your hands on the book "When Survivors Give Birth" by Penny Simkin, there is a lot of good information in there.

Mamasaurus

This one one of the reasons I am going with a MW instead of playing doctor roulette at the hospital, where I could get one of 5 doctors. I feel like I am getting to know my MW, and she is getting to know me. She will be the one touching me during exams and seeing me in weak moments while I labor, not somebody I have met once. I feel very good about it, even though I have actually felt really violated by doctors in the past. Maybe you will feel good about it by the time you labor, too, especially if you work on imagining positive labor experiences with her. I have started thinking of my MW as somebody who will be doing something WITH me, not doing something TO me, and the more positive experiences I have with her at exams, the more of a bond I feel with her. I haven't done the labor part yet, of course, but I already feel like I could go through just about anything with her and come out trusting her at the end.

It might also help you to watch (positive) birth videos and see the MW and the mother working together like a team. If you picture yourself in the scene, it could help you start to think of your own MW that way.

kristenina

I don't have anything else to add advice wise, but I wanted to chime in and say that as a rape survivor and as a current employee of a Women's Center and a certified SA peer counselor, this advice is all wonderful, and it's heart warming to see a positive, caring community sharing such hard experiences. I really hope your birth is healing for you, and that you feel empowered by the experience.

redheadinlove

I don't have a full experience to share, but I can definitely see where that could happen. 

My personal opinion would be to just prepare for that. Spend a lot of time envisioning labor and what it means to you. An act of womanhood and motherhood. It's about strength. Let yourself feel strength rather than vulnerability. 

Like I said, no personal experience, but I feel like this would help.  

Oh, and definitely don't lie on your back unless it just feels right =] That's supposed to be the most difficult position to labor in anyway. 

MrsMincks

I was assaulted by a stranger when I was 14 and he was never caught (my own fault; I never told anyone), so I definitely identify with the feelings of vulnerability. That's actually a huge reason why I want to do a natural birth - the idea of that part of my body being numbed and not in my control completely freaks me out. What I've been told is to just keep yourself as aware of your body as possible, even if something ends up changing in the birthing plan. If you can't feel one part of yourself, focus on the parts you can feel, etc. 

tchubirubi

Corbin30:

(...) Make sure your provider knows about your history, and is willing to accomodate you. My midwife was very careful about always letting me know before she touched me, stoping what she was doing if I tensed up, and always asking before any procedure. She made sure I always knew that I was the one calling the shots.

Also, look into getting a doula. (...)

My sons birth ended up being a big part of my healing. Because I had come so far from where I was, because I was strong, not a victim (...)

THIS! Thank you, Corbin30, that was beautiful and I couldn't have put it better myself. Also, the trauma won't necessarily emerge during birth; it really depends on how well you have dealt and worked with the issue, I suppose. Finally, if you get in the right frame of mind, after a while you can barely remember you're naked. Just concentrate in your labor and your baby and you won't be having any rational thoughts at all. Labor peels off the layers of your being until all that is left is a female mammal giving birth. And in that process, that scar and that hurt peel off as well. All you have to do is not fight it, let it happen. You will be losing control, yes. But the person taking over you is the animal inside you, not a doctor, not a midwife, not an outsider. Trust that animal - it knows best - and drift away. It may just be the greatest experience of your life.

I wish you all the best and will be keeping you on my mind - I don't really "pray", so to speak, but I do wish good things. And I will wish that whatever watched over me during birth, and whatever helped us all survive all that, watches over you as well.

Go have a beatiful birth!

Good luck!