How should I respond to this FB message?

sabrina69barnes

I posted this on the blended families board but it's also adoption related so I thought I'd ask here too.  

Backstory: BF was facing jail time for not paying c/s. He was irresponsible and didn't take very good care of DS when he had him so when he asked to have DH adopt DS and me forgive his debt I agreed. DH adopted DS about a year and a half ago. BF, DH, and I agreed that DS wouldn't have any contact with BF until he is 18 and only if it's something he wants. I do send pictures and e-mail updated to BF every month or so. I told BF that I would let DS maintain established relationships with his extended family.

At first BF's mom basicly wanted to take over BF's time with DS which DH and I said no to. After that she tried to tell me why her life was so hard and how it was impossible for her to even send DS a birthday/ Christmas card because she was just "busy surviving". Yet she wanted to keep DS EOW? I made it clear the she needs to be in or out of DS's life. I was willing for them to have a relationship as long as I thought it was in DS's best interest but if she couldn't be consistant that I didn't feel it was. 

After that I agreed to bring DS for a visit and give her a chance. It went ok. This was last winter. We had planned another visit between Easter and Mother's Day. The night before the visit DS had a fever and it isn't safe for BF's mom to be around sick people so I sent her an e-mail saying that we would have to come another time and I gave her a list of several dates that worked for us. I never heard back but DS sent her a Mother's Day card and I gave her the dates again.

Around this time I got an email from BF saying that his mom was in the hospital on a ventilator. Long story short she was causing drama and pretended to kill herself. Until the whole story came out I didn't realize how crazycakes she was. After that DH and I decided that DS shouldn't have any more visits with her but that cards were still ok. I told BF this and he completely agreed. His mom never tried to contact me again except to send DS a  thank you note when I sent DS's school pictures and some crafts he made.

Here is my question: I got this private FB message today. "Hope that you can make a visit between Thanksgiving and before Christmas. Have gifts for family and kids, Noah. Just send me a msg. as soon as you are able. HOPE SO!!!"  How do I resond to this if at all? I don't want to lie but I don't know what to say without her getting pissed and trying to start drama. BF and I do have a civil and somewhat friendly e-mail relationship. He agrees with DS not seeing her. Should I have him handle it?

Dr.Loretta

Ignore ignore ignore

CaptainSerious

That is a really tough situation.  I'd be tempted to ignore it, as Dr. L. suggested, but if you haven't told her that you are no longer comfortable with her seeing your son, I think you at least need to tell her that.

However you approach it, I'd definitely take it off FB.  I'm tempted to say her son should tell her, but since you've been managing the relationship so far, I think it might fall to you.  I'd simply tell her that since you can't be sure she will be a constant and stable influence in your son's life, you no longer feel comfortable letting her have visits with him.  After that, I agree, ignore all future attempts/discussion in this vein.

Good luck.  I know this can't be an easy conversation to have.