drinking around baby(long)

KatelynEA90

Does anyone have family or IL with drinking problems? How are you going to handle them around the baby?

My parents rarely drink and even then it's one or two drinks. SO's parents drink a lot. I'm talking flask in the car, completely smashed drinking on a regular basis. His mom doesn't seem to be drinking as much lately but it's hard to tell because she drinks straight vodka on the rocks so if you're not paying attention, it easily passes as water. His brother drinks jack and coke from the time he wakes up until the time he passes out. There's been more than one occasion where we've had to stop him from trying to drive somewhere. We've watched him almost drop a family friend's 5 year old because he picked her up after drinking too much, luckily between him and someone next to him, they caught her. Unfortunately, he doesn't see an issue.

I'm nervous about them being around my baby like this. FIL will probably never be with the baby, especially not alone. Babies just aren't his thing. SO has already talked to his brother but I can guarantee it's going to come up again. SO think's his mom could handle not drinking for a night to watch the baby but I don't know how I feel about that. The only thing saving me is that his parents work a lot and if we ever needed a babysitter it would be way more convenient for her to go with my parents. 

I feel like I don't know what to do. SO doesn't agree with him family's drinking habits and is on my side. But his brother already thinks I'm a total b!tch because I find their drinking a bigger deal than they do. I don't want to cause problems.

 

 

ETA: Thank you so much ladies! I think I just needed a little reassurance.

 

 

Kyle523Nicole

So long as you and SO are in agreeance on your stance, then it doesn't matter.  They can't get mad at you for hiring a babysitter that isn't them if you never tell them "I'm going to call so-and-so to babysit because YOU can't".  If you don't want to cause problems - then don't mention it - and don't put your baby in their care.

I don't think it's that difficult to just avoid having them care for your child...

goldenleaves

I would never allow them to be alone with my child. Not even for 5 minutes. As long as DH is on your side (which in this case he'd be crazy not to be) make him be the bad guy since it's his family.

nonoemily

At least your SO is on your side; if you don't want to leave them alone with your children, just don't. You might end up in some difficult situations, but if it's really important to you, I'm sure you'll find a way. This is one of those family problems that's going to come up again and again. Just remember, it doesn't matter what they think of you. They are the ones who have a problem, and it's your SO family, so he should be handling them for you as much as possible.

My aunt and uncle are awful drunks. I haven't seen them in four years because I can't stand to even look at my uncle anymore. He's so rude and obnoxious and I have no idea why my aunt stays with him. Well, I guess I do, because she's addicted to Xanax and chardonnay... I know once I have the baby it's going to be a lot harder to fend them off, but I just don't want people like that in my life. Luckily, my mom understands and helps run interference when they attempt to invite me over. My mom totally understands.

KatelynEA90

Kyle523Nicole:

I don't think it's that difficult to just avoid having them care for your child...

 

You're right. It isn't that hard to make sure they aren't caring for the child alone.

I guess I'm mostly concerned about the fact that they dislike me already. We hang out with his brother a lot and he is really excited about his new niece, I'm worried about him getting drunk and getting pissed with us when I won't let him hold her. 

sanriobaby

It's not about causing any problems, it's about avoiding them in the first place. If you and SO don't feel comfortable having your child alone in their care for ANY reason, then as the parents, you have the right to not have your LO in their care, period. I also have a sister who is considered a "functioning alcoholic" and I have made it a big point to tell my mother and other family members that she will not be allowed under any circumstances to be left alone w/my child for any period of time and if I found out otherwise, they will lose thier childcare  privilages too! It really shouldn't matter what other pp have to say, this is your child, your rules. If you don't want them babysitting/visiting your child while they are drinking, then don't provide them w/the opportunity to do so and don't feel bad about it either. This is about the safety and well being of your child and it would be irresponsible on your part to cave in b/c of family pressure. Kids don't need to be around that mess anyway.

sparks2987

I completely understand your situation, more than I wish I did. My father, aunt, brother, grandmother....well everyone on my dad's side are alcoholic.

This is how I put it into perspective, I will not allow them to hold my baby, be around her if they are drunk. I made this clear to them. This may be never. I am being a mom and I know what it is like to be around drunks all the time and she will not be exposed to that lifestyle. Her safety and well being is more important to me than if they get pissed. If he is really excited about her, he will make time to see her when he is sober. That is how I feel about my family, if it is THAT important to be in her life, they will make time to do so without the alcohol, they still wont be alone with her but then they can see/hold her.

Make it clear to them now, this gives them time to decide, absorb that if they want to be a part of her life, they need to make some adjustments, and you need to be able to not threaten them but stand by what you say and what you know is best for your daughter.

Kyle523Nicole

mirroredimage:

KatelynEA90:

Kyle523Nicole:

I don't think it's that difficult to just avoid having them care for your child...

 

You're right. It isn't that hard to make sure they aren't caring for the child alone.

I guess I'm mostly concerned about the fact that they dislike me already. We hang out with his brother a lot and he is really excited about his new niece, I'm worried about him getting drunk and getting pissed with us when I won't let him hold her. 

 

You need to be more worried about the healthy and safety of your growing family than what your ILs think about you.  Not to be harsh, but if they don't like you now they probably won't like you when the baby is here.

I agree.  I just can't find any reason to justify a mother allowing someone to behave inappropriately (and dangerously) around her child because she doesn't want them to get pissed at her.

I think that you're just letting your anxiety get the best of you - and once you have that baby you'll be 10x more protective and become more "mama bear" oriented.  Thus, you won't give ashit if someone doesn't like you because you didn't let them get all boozed up and carry your offspring around.  They'll either get over it and move on or they'll hate you forever.  Who cares, so long as your kid is safe?

KatelynEA90

Kyle523Nicole:

mirroredimage:

KatelynEA90:

Kyle523Nicole:

I don't think it's that difficult to just avoid having them care for your child...

 

You're right. It isn't that hard to make sure they aren't caring for the child alone.

I guess I'm mostly concerned about the fact that they dislike me already. We hang out with his brother a lot and he is really excited about his new niece, I'm worried about him getting drunk and getting pissed with us when I won't let him hold her. 

 

You need to be more worried about the healthy and safety of your growing family than what your ILs think about you.  Not to be harsh, but if they don't like you now they probably won't like you when the baby is here.

I agree.  I just can't find any reason to justify a mother allowing someone to behave inappropriately (and dangerously) around her child because she doesn't want them to get pissed at her.

I think that you're just letting your anxiety get the best of you - and once you have that baby you'll be 10x more protective and become more "mama bear" oriented.  Thus, you won't give ashit if someone doesn't like you because you didn't let them get all boozed up and carry your offspring around.  They'll either get over it and move on or they'll hate you forever.  Who cares, so long as your kid is safe?

 

I think you're right about the anxiety. I would never leave my child with them, no matter how upset they got with me. I think I'm just tired of the drama and what new drama this is going to bring. They dislike me for things like encouraging their son to go to college so it's already a no win situation. 

Kyle523Nicole

KatelynEA90:

Kyle523Nicole:

mirroredimage:

KatelynEA90:

Kyle523Nicole:

I don't think it's that difficult to just avoid having them care for your child...

 

You're right. It isn't that hard to make sure they aren't caring for the child alone.

I guess I'm mostly concerned about the fact that they dislike me already. We hang out with his brother a lot and he is really excited about his new niece, I'm worried about him getting drunk and getting pissed with us when I won't let him hold her. 

 

You need to be more worried about the healthy and safety of your growing family than what your ILs think about you.  Not to be harsh, but if they don't like you now they probably won't like you when the baby is here.

I agree.  I just can't find any reason to justify a mother allowing someone to behave inappropriately (and dangerously) around her child because she doesn't want them to get pissed at her.

I think that you're just letting your anxiety get the best of you - and once you have that baby you'll be 10x more protective and become more "mama bear" oriented.  Thus, you won't give ashit if someone doesn't like you because you didn't let them get all boozed up and carry your offspring around.  They'll either get over it and move on or they'll hate you forever.  Who cares, so long as your kid is safe?

 

I think you're right about the anxiety. I would never leave my child with them, no matter how upset they got with me. I think I'm just tired of the drama and what new drama this is going to bring. They dislike me for things like encouraging their son to go to college so it's already a no win situation. 

Don't let them stress you out - pregnancy is hard enough!! So long as you and SO have a good relationship with open communication & good understanding, then you have nothing to worry about.  The only person you need on your side is SO, and if they want to continue (or create) drama, then all you need to do is remove them from your life.  My SIL is a drama llama of sorts - and before I used to let it REALLY affect me, to the point that DH and I were arguing more because it would put me in such a foul mood.  Now though, I've learned that whatever she says/does has no bearing on me, my husband, our children or our life.  We ignore her when she gets loopy and avoid situations where she is enabled to be her crazy self.  It's a lot peaceful now - and honestly - we could care less if she hates us. 

You guys seem to have a really strong relationship, and it's great that your SO can also see the damage their drinking is (and will) cause.  Keep your chin up - and remember they cannot control you!!

karleegirl

I know exactly what you are going through. My Mom often drinks too much. When ds2 was a baby we were at her house and she wanted to hold him. She def. had been drinking too much. I told her no and called her out on her lack of sobriety. She cried and gave me the drunk sad story. I left and it took awhile before we talked. It took a long time before I trusted her to watch him by herself. I'm not going to say she doesn't drink too much, But she doesn't watch ds2 if she's been drinking at all.

It really hurt to have to do that to my Mom, but my child's safety was more important. Just like you already know this with your so's family. Just stand your ground.

susie2242

I feel ya, my dad drinks alot.  I would go over for dinner with DS when he was an infant and my dad would be stumbling, I was so worried he'd knock over his swing or something.  Then once night he started yelling at my son from the next room to be quiet- that was it, I said we had to leave and I stopped going for dinner and now only am around him before 5pm. (Because thats when he switches from beer to scotch and things turn south.) I  never  made a stink about it, my schedule and availablity just "changed". It broke my heart for the longest time because I felt like I was depriving my mom of her time with DS by me not going there, but I just  let her know how I felt so she started dropping by on her way home from work more to see him.