Question (and I'm new)

ClickerishReturns

Briefly: I'm in a committed relationship with a woman. We're thinking about trying to have a baby. Forgive me if I don't know all the terminology because this is a bit new. I have a bunch of supremely supportive hetero friends whom I love dearly, but this is an issue they can't quite understand.

The question is mainly for the non-carrying moms. I'm sort of worried. Both of us want to have a child eventually, but we agreed that given our life situations right now and the age differential (she has 3 years on me), she will have the first child. However, this concerns me. I desperately want to be a mom, and, in fact, I lost a baby a few years ago at 5 months. While I know that I would adore any child (hers, adopted, whatever), I'm afraid that while she's pregnant, it's going to mess with my head. I worry I might not be able to have a baby, the baby will love her more because she lived in her for 9 months...and I know that this is all probably stupid, but it's how I feel. 

I'm not sure who to talk to about these fears. My partner wonderful, but right now she's in a busy work situation so now isn't the best time. Plus, she's never been pregnant, so I don't think she fully understands that I sometimes blame myself for losing my child and so forth.

Advice? 

leapgirl8

It's not stupid to worry about those things. You're not alone. There are books available for non-bio moms, and potential jealousy or anxiety about not being the pregnant one ("when is it going to be my turn," etc.) is also addressed in Stephanie Brill's lesbian conception book. My wife is a little older than me (so she went first)and she is pregnant now, and when we were TTC I did have concerns about how I would handle it and whether I would be jealous or worried about my own biological clock, etc. I'm happy to report that I haven't really experienced those feelings at all, but it helped to read about it anyway, because I feel prepared to deal with them if they come up at some point.

2brides

I can't speak from the non-bio mom perspective, but from the perspective of having older children. One of our kids (we have 5.5y twins) has always been more bonded with my wife than to me. He has always shown a clear preference for her since he was tiny and they are so much alike (and look alike - though there is no biological connection) that it boggles the mind. Our other child, his twin, is more bonded to me - but honestly I think that came about as he realized how close his brother and DP were, since as a baby he was equally happy to go to either of us.

I agree that it was more difficult to involve my wife during the pregnancy stage (which was difficult for her since initially was going to get pregnant first and then because of age/health issues decided to not get pregnant at all.) But she was at every doctors appt, she read to them every night while in utero, and she was the first to hold them when they were born.

These aren't light or stupid issues, but be assured that biology isn't everything.

cookiemonster03

As a non-bio mom, I understand the fears. So far its been ok for me. I was at every single Re appointment and about half of the prenatal (there were a lot). I've missed their pedi appointment so far due to work but I'm taking them to their 4 mo (wooo haha). But anyway, so far they seem to like me well enough.

As a sidebar, I've never thought about it, but I did hold both of them first when they were born. That's sorta cool 

I do admit though I really really want to get pregnant now, and I don't know if we can afford another baby (ever). My baby fever stems less from watching DWs pregnancy than other issues though.

LV1979

My wife and I are trying to concieve and although we both intend to she is up to bat first.  It is making me slightly nutty but I remind myself that my time will come and that right now her carryinf first is the best thing for us.  What I have done to make myself as involved as possible is I go to every appointment, I make all the calls for information, and as nerdy as it is I give her follicles and eggs pep talks.  I know that I will probably have some issues with the green eyed monster once we get a positive but I just think about the baby that is waiting to get to us.  I am starting grad school and will be taking the more stay at home mommy role so I think I will get my bonding time eventually.

We also decided on a limit of tries before we switch.  We are pretty set on our donor and if she is not pregnant withing a certain number of cycles we are going to trade off.  So it could be two years before it is my turn but it could be a matter of months.  We are really hoping it will be two years and she gets pregnant soon.  All around I feel a little left out but do my best by keeping her stress free and relaxed.

LolaBelle515

It's definitely OK to feel this and really think about it--better to come to peace with the journey you are on now, than not think about it and be surprised by feelings later.

 

I really loved the memoir "She Looks Just Like You" which is written by the non-pregnant partner in a lesbian relationship.  It helped me think through some of these things in advance.

My wife is pregnant, and I'm happy to say I haven't felt left out or jealous or anything, especially since I'm at every appointment and we talk about what we're feeling regularly.  

In fact, there are ways that you might be able to be extra involved during pregnancy. For my wife, since she feels connected to the baby  100% of the time, she's not uber excited about nursery decorating or clothes shopping as a way to feel connected. So, I get to do most of that.  Perhaps there are ways you can connect during the pregnancy like that?  I can't speak to having children already, but other posters and commented on that, so hopefully all of this is helpful.

Good luck! 

tdmklm

I just wanted to second what a few previous posters said about connection to the non-bio mom. Our son, now nearly 14 months old, is very attached to my wife (non-bio mom, though it really takes a post like this for me to even think of her in those terms ). She went to every OB appointment, cut the umbilical cord, and has been to every appointment with the pediatrician. He absolutely adores her and shows a clear preference for her in certain situations (his bath, for example, or rocking him to sleep).

As other folks said, it's great to be aware of your feelings (and possible feelings) in advance so you can deal with them. You're way ahead of the game here; just keep talking to your partner.

I also wanted to say I'm really sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how painful it would be to lose a baby at five months. Stay strong. 

lnelson20

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think those are totally legit feelings! For similar reasons, my wife carried our first and I carried our second. I had a couple losses (although not late term losses, like you) prior to our relationship so I also had fears about my ability to conceive and carry and definitely guilt surrounding it. I remember during her pregnancy distinctly feeling so excited that we were going to be parents, and worried that the baby wouldn't love me, and jealous that she had this head start on bonding.  We just kept the lines of communication as open and honest as we could and that really helped. (I also talked to my friends who were fathers or non-bio moms when I wanted a gut check or to vent a little) I also took the lead on researching baby gear, pediatricians, random pregnancy milestones, etc. as a way to feel a part of and connected to the pregnancy. I also went to all the appointments, cut the cord, etc.  All of that helped at the time. I will admit that the relative insecurity about my relationship with our son continued for awhile after he was born--but it got better as I took on more of his care (diapers, baths, reading, rocking, etc.) Fast-forward 17 months and he has mom days and mommy days but our bond is definitely a healthy parent-child one. 

So...basically a long winded way to say I think your feelings are completely normal and I have a high degree of confidence that when your child is born, he or she will be just that--your child--who you will love and nurture and be willing to go to the ends of the earth and back for.

Good Luck! 

ClickerishReturns

Thank you all SO much for your words and sharing your experience. We're just starting the whole process of charting and planning--it gets overwhelming sometimes! I feel so relieved just knowing that I'm not the only one who had to cope with these feelings.