Question about unsupportive family (maybe a little long)

mstroud23

The original problem my mom had was that we want a home birth-"Babies are born in hospitals-not homes" This is a pretty common belief in my family (on both sides), even my free spirited "hippie" cousin delivered in a hospital and had an epidural. I had thought that I could talk to her about the pros and cons and talk to her about what we want and she would slowly come around. This method worked with my sister-after she went into a rant at lunch one day over how reckless a home birth is.

So, I tried talking to mom again the other day and it actually got worse. Along the lines of, "think of the stress that puts on dh. you'll want to be in a hospital because they'll take care of your baby for you for a few days and when you get home you'll be all alone. i don't think that you can handle this and it will really put a strain on your marriage." etc. I swear I felt like I had been stuck in the 1950s with a strange tour guide that looked just like my mother (who raised 3 kids on her own, had natural births, and is one of the strongest women I know) but without the life experiences. Now, I have extremely mixed feelings about my mom. I already didn't want her present when we do have kids (because she hasn't been supportive of our choice for a home birth, and I think that's important) and now I'm thinking that this may be bigger than I thought. 

Anyone have any thoughts on family that isn't supportive of natural/home birth??  Or not supportive of them having kids?? TIA

pepomntpat

Agree to disagree. It is not something you have to convince your mother to be supportive of. It is not something you have to even discuss with her at all. 

If your care provider and DH are on board, that is all you need. It would be nice if everyone agreed with our choices, but that's just not how life works. 

HTH. 

Kristine Schilling

yeah... agree to disagree... maybe you could convince her to watch "the business of being born." That movie totally turned my husband around to natural birth. He actually was sad that home birth was not an option so late in this rather high risk PG for us. It talks sooo much about home birth, and how well trained miswives are.

[Deleted User]

mstroud23:

"you'll want to be in a hospital because they'll take care of your baby for you for a few days"

Hah!  Yeah they don't do that anymore.

sschwege

overture:

mstroud23:

"you'll want to be in a hospital because they'll take care of your baby for you for a few days"

Hah!  Yeah they don't do that anymore.

This was my first thought too!  When our grandmother's were having babies it was like a vacation.  My grandmother on my dad's side stayed a week with every baby and had all five of them vaginally.   

mikah.george

Going natural is hard & easy at the same time. 

If it is something that you want, go for it.

Maybe, you should talk to people who have delivered at the hospital before you make a decision. Some hospitals are different. For me, I was there for 2 1/2 days & only really needed to be for 1 day, but they wanted me to stay. I wasn't as relaxed because I could barely sleep. But they still took good care of me. I live on the west coast. Hospitals on the east coast are still living in the dark about births. 

I wanted to do a home birth with my first but my husband didn't because it was our first & he had no idea what to expect. I would do one now, but we live in an apartment & that would be kinda weird IMO.

But, like I said, do what you want to do. Tell your mom she can either be supportive of YOUR decision for YOUR baby or she won't be there...IDK. This isn't her baby.  

indiana101

Not a single person in my family is supportive of childbirth and it sucks because I am really close with all of them. Thankfully DH is 100% onboard, even defensive at times. I know they're coming from a good place of genuine concern, but implying that it is selfish to birth at home is ridiculous. Especially since we live so close to the hospital and have two great supportive midwives that will be there.

You're not the only one going through this, unfortunately though, its up to you to decide how to deal with it. I am taking the cowards way out and letting everyone think I am going to have LO in the hospital. Maybe you've got more balls than I do and can agree to disagree with your Mom. GL with whatever happens and just remember your Moms concerns are well meaning.

mstroud23

I'm just so shock about how she has reacted. I actually thought atleast my mom would pretend to support our choice or keep her disapproval to herself-which is my families way of dealing with differences. Oh well.

I'm not changing my mind. I've looked into both hospitals I could deliver at, and I don't like either of their policies for GBS+ women. Living on the west coast I thought the hospitals would have better policies. At least my midwives are very supportive and offer to tell family members that aren't supportive that they shouldn't be there.  

frostnoel

sschwege:

overture:

mstroud23:

"you'll want to be in a hospital because they'll take care of your baby for you for a few days"

Hah!  Yeah they don't do that anymore.

This was my first thought too!  When our grandmother's were having babies it was like a vacation.  My grandmother on my dad's side stayed a week with every baby and had all five of them vaginally.   

I think it would be more relaxing to have your baby at home.  #1 it's your home, your bed, your bathroom.  I have had both my children at the hospital, and since my insurance doesn't cover the out-of-hospital MWs and I can't afford to pay out of pocket, I will be having this one at the hospital as well.  But the bed is so uncomfortable and the nurses come in all night to check vitals, so I never slept well.  There isn't much privacy, since the janitors come in to empty trash.  And hospitals are cess-pools of bacteria and viruses that LO would not be exposed to at your house.

I know it's hard to be judged by people who love you and you were probably expecting support from, but you have made a great choice. 

pinksweetpea2

I provided my family with information- mostly articles and statistics and/or suggested they watch the BOBB.

I then refused to discuss it with them until they at least watched the BOBB.  It is their prerogative to not to educated themselves on the issue, however it is also  mine to not discuss it with them if they are going to be ignorant.   

For my Mom (who is a total nervous nelly) I also invited her along to one on my prenatal apts.  She felt much better after meeting with my MW and being able to get her questions answered from the source.   I wouldn't have done this with anyone else (probably would have gone the agree to disagree route), but it was my Mom and I wanted her to feel comfortable.  ::shrugs:: 

cecilyandgautam

Once the baby's here, they will forget all about their opinions about when & how you should have had a baby. If they're not supportive, then I would stop discussing my choices with them. I don't think you need to re-evaluate the entire quality of your relationship with your mother based on her reaction to this topic - if my mom didn't let up on it, I'd probably say "I hear what you're saying and I also heard you the first three times you expressed this opinion. I appreciate that you care but this is a decision we've made and you just have to come to terms with it. Now, let's talk about what a fabulous grandma you're going to be!" and move on. She may occassionally offer unwanted advice in the future and you just have to come up with a deflection method that works for you - let her know that you're willing to listen but not be hammered over the head with her dissenting opinions.  

julyjennifer

cecilyandgautam:

  if my mom didn't let up on it, I'd probably say "I hear what you're saying and I also heard you the first three times you expressed this opinion. I appreciate that you care but this is a decision we've made and you just have to come to terms with it. Now, let's talk about what a fabulous grandma you're going to be!" and move on.  

I love this!

stahlop

My mother was the same way.  She told me to not even call her when I was in labor and just let her know when the baby had been born (this was after she had told me if the baby died it would be all my fault).  Most people don't understand why you would 'risk' birthing at home.  Just let your mom know you and your DH are aware of everything and that is all that matters.

mstroud23

Thank you ladies! It's good to hear the advice! Thanks! 

Mamasaurus

Kristine Schilling:

yeah... agree to disagree... maybe you could convince her to watch "the business of being born." That movie totally turned my husband around to natural birth. He actually was sad that home birth was not an option so late in this rather high risk PG for us. It talks sooo much about home birth, and how well trained miswives are.

This. Also, if you can get them, look into statistics for MRSA and other contagious diseases being spread at your local hospitals. I'm sure that if you show her them and explain that your baby simply will not be exposed to these things at home (six out of seven people infected with MRSA contract it at a health-care facility), maybe with some graphic pics, hospital birth will seem as scary to her as home birth does now. Ordinarily I don't like to resort to scare tactics, but "the other side" certainly does, and it sounds like there's not a lot left you haven't tried.

FWIW, this is actually one factor (of many) in my decision to seek a home birth--my dad got staph (regular, not MRSA) in the hospital, and it took him weeks to beat it. I don't want my baby dealing with that!

vintagejjane

My sister had a home birth. When she told my mom the plan, my mother was so upset. She couldn't understand. We ended up witnessing the home-birth and it was so fantastic. My mom even though disagreed was there for my sister. I thought I would get the lecture when I told her our plans to do a home-birth, however, she was happy for me and said she'd be there for me like she was for my sister. I quickly called my sister and thanked her for paving the very hard road before I got to it. Maybe once your mother sees what a great experience you have or sees the great outcome, it will change her mind. Lots and lots of luck!

jb2rn

overture:

mstroud23:

"you'll want to be in a hospital because they'll take care of your baby for you for a few days"

Hah!  Yeah they don't do that anymore.

And who would want "them" to? To establish breastfeeding baby needs to be near you pretty much 24/7. Sending them to the nursery (I still have friends that do this..) is a bad idea if you want to BF successfully.

 As for your family, I agree with the pp. Agree to disagree. You don't need to discuss it any further with them. It's your birth, only your husband's opinion matters.

JustSomeChick

I am going to be delivering at a birth center, mostly because it is in closer proximity to the hospital than my house is, just in case something did happen. My mother is pretty supportive, she understands that it is my body and my baby and how I labor and deliver is my business. My father, on the other hand, continuously asks me if I'm sure that I don't want to have the baby at the hospital (I'm more than sure.) I understand him though, his only knowledge of childbirth is what he knows from my mother, who had a complicated pregnancy, was induced, denied food and water for 3 days of labor, and finally, they performed and emergency c-section. I have had a perfectly normal pregnancy and my mother and I have explained this to him but he still has his worries. I guess I understand his point of view though.

I would recommend having your mother watch the Business of Being Born. You can also look up studies and articles that support the safety of homebirth (I can provide some links if you'd like.) You may also want to mention to your mother that the World Health Organization recommends out of hospital births for healthy women with healthy pregnancies. And, if none of this works, then it's her problem. Like I said, it's your body and your baby!

GreeneyesP

Just like the previous posts, my mother is, well, a little backward when it comes to childbirth.  She had two c-sections, drove herself to the hospital, and thought the five day stay was lovely to "ease into taking care of fussy babies". She told me if I didn't have the good sense to schedule a c-section, then not to worry her with the details.  She also said natural, drug-free birth is selfish, and unneccesarily burdens my husband.  Grrrrrrrrr.

Time to reclaim the birthing process as natural, beautiful, and a rite of passage.

Karrotelle

I am having the same problem with our families but really, I don't care what they have to say. As long as our Midwife feels confident that it's safe for us to do so, we're doing a home birth.

What I did do though, was make up an information package about what a Midwife does/who she is and the kind of care I will be receiving. I also included a bunch of information about home births and I gave a package to both of our parents for them to read so they can better understand what is going to be happening.So far, my mom seems pretty interested since reading the information and has asked if she could be there at our house to help. I'm undecided on that yet. It might be nice to have her support but she might make me insane too lol So we'll see.

They still have their reservations but that's not my concern. My concern is what DH & I are comfortable with. I've done my part to educate them and should they bring it up, we'll choose to agree to disagree because like all the PP said, it's not about them.