Is there a nice way to say this? (DH/MIL related- sorry, long)

Court0026

Back story:  DH is allergic to cats and dogs.  Everyone in our immediate families (aside from my parents who gave their cat away BECAUSE of DH) has at least 2 animals in those categories.  He has ALWAYS been allergic.  He grew up with a dog and visiting family with cats and was always sick.  I mean, COME ON?  He spends 1 hour at either of his parents' houses (they are divorced) and he could be congested for a couple of hours or using in inhaler for 2 days.  You never know. DS is allergic to cats and it has triggered asthma issues.  Both parents and his sister live within 10 minutes of us. 

Thanksgiving is at his mom's (2 dogs).  He hardly complains about going, just asks that we don't stay.   If it was DS related, we wouldn't go there.  We already do not step foot in his sister's house.  ANYWAY, we are leaving Friday morning for a weekend of Sesame Place and other fun stuff and I don't want him to be miserable for the trip.  He has been working overtime for 2.5 months and we NEVER do family stuff together.  I am so excited.  I want to give MIL a heads up.  I sometimes just go early with the kids and he shows up for a shorter time. I kind of want him to just show up, eat and leave. 

You know what?  Typing this out is making me really p*ssed off.  WTF is wrong with people?  If I were him I would have stopped going years ago.  We are hopefully buying a bigger house in the spring which means we will be hosting everything which I will hate, but it will be better than this.  We don't have room for a Thanksgiving dinner here.  

jnk062602

I am always 100% for people sucking it up for family things and events.  But not when it is health and safety related.  For us - we do not go to MIL&FIL's house.  We welcome them in to our house and used to meet at BIL&SIL's house (but they just moved to the adk).  We offer to meet up with them if they are shopping or local for another reason (appts or shopping).  If we go out to their town, we will meet up with them at a local restaurant or something - but not their house.  Now that BIL&SIL have moved, we will be hosting everything - even Christmas which I will be like 39 weeks pregnant.

Has your DH taken allergy meds before going over?  Does that help at all?  My DH does that for some of his friend's houses that have cats.  He also showers as soon as he gets home.  But his allergies are not bad enough to cause him to need an inhaler.

What about this?

You and the kids go over for the meal and then leave.  Tell them (ahead of time) that you would love for them to join you at your house to do desserts there.  DH misses the turkey dinner, but still gets family time.

SeptemberBride'08

That is tough. I mean clearly he doesn't live with his parents anymore and you can't tell his parents to get rid of their pets. That is kind of crossing the line even suggesting that in my opinion.

Have you guys told them how severe his allergies have become? Can they lock up the animals and make steam the rugs and couches before he comes over? I actually do that for my friends who have allergies when I know they are coming over for an extended period of time and I lock up the cats. I don't want someone having a horrible allergy attack when at my house. 

If you guys haven't talked to them about it then you really need too. 

Court0026

Thanks for your responses.  He always takes meds before and sometimes changes after.  Usually has to use his inhaler and continue meds for a couple of days. 

I wasn't saying they shouldn't have pets, but his allergies have been the same since he was little and it is disgusting to me that they made him suffer living there and now expect us to visit.  They refused to put in the time and $ to do allergy shots for him growing up.  To each their own, but when if affects my family's health, it makes me want to shake people

I like the idea of them joining us at our house after for dessert so he can be a part of it.   Thanks for that!

And I know he needs to be the one to talk to them.  He just doesn't.