Question for you ladies

KaliChick

I'm not a single parent but my sister is and I just want to make sure I'm stating something correct here.

She was never married to the father of my niece.  My sister has full legal and physical custody.  The agreement (simply) states that she has full custody and he has visitation every other Saturday from 9-12.  He was insistent that my sister and only my sister be the monitor of said visitations (if she is unavailable then she can offer a different monitor or he can cancel).  He has been somewhat consistent in his visits since April but always at least a half an hour late.

The agreement stated that they would review in 90 days but did not say any visitation would be added, etc.  No changes were made at 90 days or for that matter at 6 months.

My niece is 26 months.  

The ex lives with another woman although he claims they are more like friends/roommates but she is fully supporting him. 

For a few months now he has been very flirty with my sister, etc.  To the point where it's uncomfortable.  She has asked him to stop, etc.  He is now calling her all the time on the premise he wants to talk to the baby but he will call her at 11:00 on a Tuesday when she's at work.  He's been pushing her to set up Skype so that she can "see his face more" ... um, she's 2!  She has no interest in this sort of thing.

This morning he called at 7:45 and then became irritated when she wouldn't speak with him.  He made a snide comment and my sister reacted.  He then texted her and told her he wasn't criticizing her parenting (that's exactly what he was doing) and told her she just needed an orgasm and he was available to help her with that.

I have told her several times to not take his calls.  She is not obligated to do so.  I told her today that she needs to email him (so it's in writing, see I do learn from you gals) and tell him that she will take his call on Wednesday nights between 6 - 6:30 when they are typically in the car.  This way little one is not as distracted and she will attempt to facilitate the conversation.  He can also text her on the Friday before his scheduled Saturday visitation to confirm location and time.  If he calls or texts outside of these times she will not respond.

Am I correct in this?? She doesn't have to take his calls, right?  He keeps saying it's about their daughter when every time he makes inappropriate comments to her or says "I'm just calling to see how MY girlS are."

Thanks in advance ladies!!

KaliChick

Oh and I'm so sorry it's so long!!

achase123

She'll want to double check with her lawyer but what it *sounds* like he's doing is manipulating her and trying to use their child as a pawn to get back together (or at least try to get back together).

I would advise her NOT to use SKYPE and to keep all communication as professional as possible.  Stick to texts, emails, FB so she can document.  There's no reason for her to have to put up with that. 

My ex does similar things and I've reminded him on numerous occasions that it makes me uncomfortable.  He'll get bent out of shape and stop for awhile but always resume the behaviour.  All of our communcation is via text (rarely if EVER talk on the phone) so I simply ignore any text that doesn't specifically relate to our child. 

Annplus1

Your sister needs to only respond to direct inquires about the child, and only do it by email. Any phone calls, etc can be ignored, in my opinion. It's better for documenation and it becomes easier to treat him like a business associate in her head. The business is your niece, nothing else.

KaliChick

Thanks, AChase.  I've tried MANY times to tell her to not take his calls. We set up a google voice number for her for specifically this reason.  He's not a great guy either (3 DUI's in 60 days and didn't respond to the court on a single one ... spent 2 months in jail, etc). 

He is 100% doing it to manipulate her.  He has little control over anything in his life so he's trying to control her.  His "relationship" isn't great and I know he's trying to work his way back into her life so when this current woman gives up and kicks him out he has somewhere to go.  This is why I keep saying she needs to not take his calls. 

As she said, he won't abide by her instructions but I said at least he should know why you don't answer.  She's so afraid he'll take her back to court but I keep saying she can't live in that fear.  At the same time, it's not me going through it, it's her.  But this is ridiculous!  It needs to stop.

Thank you ... I will suggest she calls the lawyer but I think the same thing ... the less communication the better and he doesn't really have any reason to need to talk to my sister and the baby is too young, but that's just me and I'm not a lawyer so I wanted some advice. 

KaliChick

Annplus1:

Your sister needs to only respond to direct inquires about the child, and only do it by email. Any phone calls, etc can be ignored, in my opinion. It's better for documenation and it becomes easier to treat him like a business associate in her head. The business is your niece, nothing else.

Does she really even have to answer questions about the child?  I mean, obviously out of courtesy she tells him she's fine, etc but he pays zero child support, he has no custody, etc ... does she have any obligation to keep him updated on her progress, etc except out of the kindness of her heart?? Maybe I'm wrong in that one though.

I like that business associate correlation and will remind her of that.  Thank you!

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DarthNBJenni

Wait, why does she get zero support from him? She needs to file paperwork with family court ASAP.

KaliChick

DarthNBJenni:

Wait, why does she get zero support from him? She needs to file paperwork with family court ASAP.

In an effort to do it amicably and because he owes her thousands of dollars already, she voluntarily waived child support in April.  I know it's not a common belief of this board to do so, but it was the choice she made.  She has the right at any time to revoke that and request support.

She did so in an effort to gain full physical and legal custody.  Which she was granted.

Annplus1

Wait, if she has full legal and physical custody, she needs to ignore all communication from this person. She waived child support and still is speaking to him? She got everything she needed to get to keep your niece healthy, its time for her to do the same for herself.

Tell your sister to do the hard thing and not talk to him anymore. If he wants to see his daughter, he can do the hard thing and fight for it through the courts. Remind your sister he was willing to trade no child support for his child. I wish her the best, I know how much this sucks. 

KaliChick

Annplus1:

Wait, if she has full legal and physical custody, she needs to ignore all communication from this person. She waived child support and still is speaking to him? She got everything she needed to get to keep your niece healthy, its time for her to do the same for herself.

Tell your sister to do the hard thing and not talk to him anymore. If he wants to see his daughter, he can do the hard thing and fight for it through the courts. Remind your sister he was willing to trade no child support for his child. I wish her the best, I know how much this sucks. 

 

I'll back up a tiny bit ... she served him with custody papers petitioning for full custody (legal and physical) and to change her last name (they were still together when she was born ... they split when she was 8 months).  He told her no way was he going to let that happen and then, in true to him fashion, didn't respond to the petition.  She was granted a default judgement while he was in jail (it was coincidental that he got picked up on a routine traffic violation the day before the court date).  The attorney's assistant messed up the paperwork and the name change wasn't signed off on ... the hearing for the correction was after he was released and he found out about it. He showed up and was basically kicked out of the courtroom (it wasn't the forum for it).  He filed a petition asking for EOW visitation and the name change to be overturned.  In an effort to keep it out of court and amicable, she agreed, out of court, to an every other Saturday visitation for 3 hours.  In exchange no child support and she maintained custody and the name change.  He insisted that the supervised visitation be supervised by her only (he'd rather forfeit a visit than have someone else monitor it). 

It's never been about the baby, it's always been about him and his ability to get back with my sister (not going to happen).

So in my opinion she's under no obligation to speak to him or have the baby speak to him outside of his every other Saturday visitation (he does show up most of the time but usually a half hour late).  I think you ladies have essentially confirmed that.

I just keep reminding her of this and tell her to ignore him, etc but she lives in fear he will take her back to court and get some sort of unsupervised visitation.  I'm sure this is a common and valid fear of many single moms, but at the end of the day she can't live in fear of that and compromise what she has now in order to protect a "what if."   

Annplus1

She needs to document, document, document and document. Which is why she should stop taking his calls, and only communicate by text and email. Heck, she can probably lead him to believe with little to no effort on her part that it's too "painful" to talk to him verbally. The more she documents how little he cares about seeing his daughter, the more she has to go off.

It really does come down to a business deal. This child isn't really a business, especially to your sister, but treating him like a business associate keeps her polite, professional, and most importantly removes herself emotionally from it.

Have all visitation in a public place. Document if he is on time, how long he stays. Have a family member go with so she isn't alone with him. Did I mention document?

KaliChick

Thank you so much, Ann. 

The visitations are almost always at a park.  She is never alone.  The first few times we hung out very close by (and we live less than 10 minutes from the park they meet at). 

I have told her until I can hardly speak she needs to document EVERYTHING.  It's only going to hurt her later if she's not.  When he got out of jail, she changed her cell phone and home numbers.  She then provided him with a google voice number so that's the only way he can contact her.  Which is good because it automatically documents.

I keep telling her not to take his calls and who cares if he gets upset.  He'll just send threatening texts and that's better for her.  He doesn't care about his child, he cares about having someone to take care of him.  The relationship he's currently is is on it's way out so he's trying to secure a place to land when she kicks him out (it's NOT going to be at my sisters house, despite what he may think).

It's just bad all around.  I will remind her of the business associate thing and also AGAIN about documenting. IF he takes her back to court she needs to be able to prove how long he's been there, the frequency of his calls asking about the baby, etc.

Thank you again!! I really appreciate the advice.