Can I join? (Married, but maybe not for long...)

k8trz1024

Hi,
My name is Kate and I'm 24. I've been married for two years. For the past 8 months, things have not been great in my marriage. We fight constantly and cannot get along. We experienced a miscarriage in early April, and it has wrecked havoc on both of us. It came between us instead of bringing us closer together. We decided kids weren't right for us now and I planned on getting back on BC after my next cycle. One time of being intimate in 2 months and I discovered I was pg again in July. Now I'm 21 weeks and our marriage is worse than it was before.
We are talking about separation/divorce because he is so unhappy (I'm not happy now either). We don't want our child to be in the middle of fighting and neither one of us wants to be miserable. We don't want our marriage to end, but we are at a place where we don't know if it can be fixed.
He refuses to go to counseling with me, but I don't know what else I can try. We decided that we will try a trial separation for a while to see how it goes. It might make things better, but it might make things worse. We both don't want to hate each other and know that if it doesn't work out, we want to be civil afterwards and still be great parents to our son. I am at a loss - I don't know what I want anymore. I know I don't want to be miserable, but I can't picture life separate from him. We both want things resolved before March before the baby comes whether it means we are together or not.
I am so stressed, depressed, anxious, etc. because I don't know what my life will look like in 4 months when this baby gets here. I don't know if I will be married, I don't know where I will live if I am not, I don't know how it will be being a single parent if that's how it works out. I don't know how custody would work or anything like that... How do I do this financially? How do I do this emotionally? How do I handle this wile pregnant? I know that many of you are doing this and have experiences similar... Any advice on how to not lose it completely? I am trying not to stress out for the sake of my baby, etc. but it is so hard. I feel like all I do is cry and worry at this point. I do have my mom for support, but other than that I feel so alone. I guess I am looking for any words of advice, etc. If I need to reach out to another board, let me know... This was the one that made sense to me.

PrettyInPearls23

You're in the right place ((hugs))

 

First of all, I highly doubt all of this will be resolved in 4 months. It's almost impossible to put a timeline on anything, especially a "trial" separation. Even if things start to turn around, 4 months is a pretty quick time to see if things have changed permanently.

 

Having a child changes the dynamic in a marriage dramatically. It's difficult on even the strongest of marriages, much less one that is already broken and weak. My best advice would be to move forward with the separation and have the mentality that you'll be doing this alone (with the support of your family and friends). Just because your H doesn't want to see a counselor, don't let that stop you from seeing one individually. It can be a tremendous help and assist you in getting feelings sorted out or put your head back on straight.

 

When your LO is born, be careful with how you establish parenting time for your H. What you do in the beginning will set a precedence for what he'll expect in the future. A newborn should be with his mother primarily, with shorter, more frequent visits from the father. Two or three visits each week, for a few hours at a time. No overnights until the child is significantly older, such as 18 months.

 

Good luck!

LadyLissame

PrettyInPearls23:

You're in the right place ((hugs))

 

First of all, I highly doubt all of this will be resolved in 4 months. It's almost impossible to put a timeline on anything, especially a "trial" separation. Even if things start to turn around, 4 months is a pretty quick time to see if things have changed permanently.

 

I agree. I will add that it is enough time to know if they will change at all. 1 month after STBX and I separated, he said divorce because I made him choose between his family and that little side thing he had.

 

Once your baby is born, you will find a strength you never knew you had. When I was pregnant, I begged STBX to stay and work things out. I didn't think I could do it alone either. After DS was born, I gave him the boot. I knew I had to do what was best for DS, and being married to him wasn't.

k8trz1024

Thank you both so much for your responses! I too agree that 4 months is not enough time for resolve (after thinking about it, this is not a realistic timeline), but hopefully we'll at least know which direction to turn in that amount of time.

I am definitely starting to realize that I need to prepare myself to do this alone and not let him or this situation destroy this experience for me. I guess that in the end, whatever will be will be and I can only be responsible to how I react to it.

I'm very glad that I'm in the right place for support. You ladies are amazing and I admire your strength. Thank you again for the kind words of advice.