Introduction for Guidance.

jen-n-jess

Hi, I have never really chatted on any forums before. I have read a lot of them and follow some, but never really talked, but I am reaching out to my GLBT community. My wife and I live in Iowa and we have been together for 3 years and married for a year. We met right before we both went to Iraq and after a year of that hell (no-contact orders, commander's a homophobe, etc.) we have had the best life ever. Earlier this year we conceived a beautiful baby boy through IVF (my egg and my wife carried). We have had the best year yet and we couldn't wait to our son was born.
Until our world came to an end.
On October 19th, she said she didn't feel him kick much and on the 20th (30weeks that day) we found out his little heart stopped beating and our hearts broke. On the 21st she gave birth to him and he was a perfect, beautiful angel. I still don't know why this tragedy had to happen, we will never understand it and we will never get over it. They couldn't save any of my other eggs. We can't afford to do it again.

I was just wondering if any of you, or if you know any same-sex people who have gone through this. I talk to a lot of straight people and they have been great, support for us and our situation was surprisingly amazing from the community and we are so thankful. But I need to hear more from people in our exact same shoes. I am not saying our loss is harder, but straight couples can try again, create life together again. If we could do this again, it would give me hope. I lost the only chance I would have at my own flesh and blood. I will love and adore my wife?s children till the day I die if we can conceive with her, but Brayden was our only shot at the closest thing we could get to having a child together.

We need different ideas to cope, we need to talk to others who are in the same situation, who have suffered through this and hear their stories on how they move on.

Thank you so much for listening, I look forward to ?family? giving me guidance.

Two*True

I'm sorry for your loss. 

thiswillbe

I haven't been in your shoes, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss.

tdmklm

There are no words. I am so sorry.

LolaBelle515

I can only express my sadness to you both.  I do understand the feeling that while absolutely every couple has their own situation and own pain, there is an additional sadness and stress when "trying again" just isn't possible for any reason. I hope you are able to find others who have walked this journey to help you through.

Feel free to post anytime, of course. This is a very supportive board.

EratMama

I am so sorry and hope this deep pain will come to an end soon. Feel free to post anytime.

leapgirl8

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. There isn't much I can say to bring you comfort, but I'm glad you have a support system and you have each other to lean on. I can't offer you personal experiences, but I've been thinking about you all day, so I'm just going to put it all here and hope that it helps a little or at least doesn't hurt you.

It may help you to think of the emotional steps you need to go through, rather than trying to deal with everything at once. You need to take the time first to mourn your child and the loss of what could have been, and it sounds like you have already been reaching out and doing that.

Dealing with the end of your IVF journey is a separate mourning process, and it sounds like that is what you're struggling with right now. I don't know that you will find other people who are in your exact shoes, but a lot of straight couples who struggle with infertility ultimately arrive at the same place that you are at - their attempts to make a child together through regular sex, IUI and even IVF have not resulted in the child they dreamed of, and they have to cope with that and figure out what to do next - use donor sperm, or donor eggs, or focus on fostering kids, or adoption, or coming to terms with being childless. So it may help you to get in touch with a counselor who specializes in infertility, because they can help guide you through that emotional process of coming to the end of that journey, and the next steps.

I may have misunderstood, but it sounds like you still intend to try to have children together, and that she would try to get pregnant with her own eggs (rather than using your egg, with IVF). I would encourage you not to think of those children as "her" children. They are yours, even if they aren't biologically related to you. You're committing to raising them and loving them and making them part of your family. I understand that it may take some time to adjust to that idea, and that's OK. You have time. I think if you stick around this board it may help. We have all kinds of families here, and when you're together when that child comes into your life (in whatever way) and you go through all of the ups and downs together, how could they be anything but yours?

Like I said above, I hope that I haven't said anything hurtful, or misunderstood. Best of luck to you & your wife, and please know that you're welcome here.

2brides

I am so sorry this happened. My thoughts are with you and your wife as you heal. Take care of each other.

jen-n-jess

Thank you for your sympathies and comfort. I only meant to say her children so everyone could understand her eggs, and you are right they will be mine as well. It's not even a question of love I will have for them. It's more of a sadness because we both were sharing in the process of baby B. We couldn't wait to tell him stories of how we both played significant roles in his birth. But now we will tell stories to our children about how they have an angel brother who will always be their guardian angel. We are currently going to counseling, not because I feel we need it but I feel it is preventive care for possible depression, couple issues, etc. My wife also wants to go to a group that gathers once a month on loss of an infant.

Still so surreal, can't believe it happened. We were going to Bradley Method classes every Friday and now we are going to infant loss meetings.

Thank you all again for the kind words, I hope I can be of some assistance as well on here with our experiences.