XP: differences in opinion with DH re: birth plan

Jinnifah

Dh and I aren't really on the same page about what should happen during labour. I realized this a couple nights ago when we were chatting and I mentioned I want to try going drug free (as I generally take the holistic approach to all things medicine).

He got this look in his eyes like I was crazy and asked sarcastically "oh yeah, and how many women actually do that" and the he was speechless when I told him 1/4. After further discussion on various options, he was also adamant that doula is a waste of time/$ and we should just do what dr says (there's a 28% c-section rate in our hospital, no option for midwife care here).

I think he is just really heavily influenced by what mainstream media considers realistic representations of labour/birth.

I was thinking about getting him to watch The Business of Being Born with me, but I think all the naked women at home in bathtubs may be too shocking to his rather conservative mind. Does anyone have any suggestions of other videos we might watch together or articles I might give him to read? (he won't have the attention span for a book). I'd like him to understand that birth isn't automativally a medical emergency. Also, how did your SO's reacted to a natural birth plan?

pepomntpat

My DH really came around when we took our Bradley class. It really opened his eyes to the effects medications can have on labor and on the baby.  

julesjarvais65

Our SIL (his brother's wife) had there daughter in Jan of this year and had a HORRIBLE experience. Everything from being induced with Cytotec (no negative side effects thank god) to getting the epidural and leaking spinal fluid from it and being sick and in the hospital for a week after... So after her experience it was his idea before mine to go epidural free. Other than that, he has basically stuck with everything.

As for a doula, I found someone that I know that is trying to become certified so is doing it for free. I'm still trying to talk him into it, but I think they are gonna meet up and talk about what she is really going to be doing in the birth. He is so close to agreeing right now, and hasn't really told me no in a while. Maybe try finding someone in training and explain to him all of the stats that come with it.

This is the list she gave us-----
Doulas have been proven to:
-Reduce the length of labor (which I'm sure he'd be happy for!)
-Reduce c-section rate by 50%
-Reduce the mother's need for pain meds

She also pointed out a much of other things that she would do, but those are some of the stats she has given me

mstroud23

My dad was this way when I told him what I want (dh hs been slowly getting on board). I made dad watch Business of Being Born and I presented him the statistics of the hospitals I could deliver at and reviews of the maternity drs and nurses @ each hospital. Then I did the same with the midwife group and the birthing center. 

He was shocked at how high c/s rate is in our area (my preferred hospital was 31.1% in '09). He backed off and said I had clearly done my research and was making the best choice.

ps. I also emphasized the cost difference and got the research articles talked about in the film for him to read on his own time. 

StefandTodd

The Business of Being Born really opened my H up to the idea of natural birth.  We also took Bradley classes which cemented everything for him.  I'd try to start with the movie.  It really helped open the conversation for us.  GL!

sschwege

StefandTodd:

The Business of Being Born really opened my H up to the idea of natural birth.  We also took Bradley classes which cemented everything for him.  I'd try to start with the movie.  It really helped open the conversation for us.  GL!

This is exactly the way it worked with my DH, although it was a Hypnobirthing class we took.  But anyway The Business of Being Born really got him on board he actually got more worked up than I did while watching it.  Then had his mother sit down and watch it (she was there when DD was born).  He went from a position of basically indifference to someone who is now very passionate and opinionated about it.    

ILoveRunning

I agree with others on the BOBB.  My H had a very similar reaction prior to watching the movie.  Afterwards he told me that he would do whatever was needed to help ensure a natural birth.  If the BOBB got him motivated, it was our childbirth class that taught him everything he needed to know.  He learned about informed consent, possible side effects of various interventions, etc.

julyjennifer

Even though it's probably going to be a new idea for him at first, I'd say go for it with showing him the BoBB.  His mind is going to have to get blown with a new image of what normal birth entails at some point, if you're hoping to go natural.  I remember my husband was kind of shocked by the labor/birth videos we watched in our Bradley class at first (I think I kind of was too).  Totally different than the image we had before from the media, of a woman on her back in a gown with a dr managing things on the other end behind a curtain. 

DH asked me if I was going to be naked and squatting like those women, and I said I had no idea.  It takes a little getting used to but he did get used to it. 

catsinawindow

My DH was more on board from the start than your's is, but he found the later parts of Ina May's Book to be helpful.  I'm forgetting the name of it right now, but I'm sure other ladies can chime in :-)

The birth stories were a little too "hippy" for him (I liked reading them though) but the medical stuff in the later chapters was very helpful.  Another good one would be "the thinking woman's guide to better birth" it's very research-driven and well cited.  If he understands that there are documented, medical reasons for the choices you are making on your birthplan, he'll probably be more likely to accept and even embrace them.

Jinnifah

Thanks for the answers, I think you've made up my mind to encourage him to watch BOBB. I suppose it is true he's going to be seeing this in real life in several months anyway , may as well get him used to the imagery.

lisagde:

Another good one would be "the thinking woman's guide to better birth" it's very research-driven and well cited.  If he understands that there are documented, medical reasons for the choices you are making on your birthplan, he'll probably be more likely to accept and even embrace them.

I'll look into that book - it sounds like the sort of argument that he'd accept - he's a very logical fact oriented type thinker. Thanks

LittleStace

The book is Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  I'm requiring my husband to read it since he wants to be the only person there during labor (aside from nurses) and he's very new to birth in general, especially natural childbirth.  If he wants a say in how things go, then he has to be fully educated on it, IMO. I found the stories in the beginning to be inspirational for me, and l'm much more confident about my abilities now. You may want your husband to skip that beginning part if he won't do the whole book, but the latter part is very educational.  Good luck to you!

MawrtyrB

DH and I were really not on the same page before our first deliver. He tolerated being dragged to Bradley classes taught by "hippie" instructors. We were at complete odds about delivery location. He insisted on the local baby factory hospital becuase he's an EMT and anywhere else just wasn't good enough. By the time I was really educated enough to realize what a bad idea this was, it was really too late to switch. So we went there. I hired a doula for my own sake, who was picked primarily for her not seeming like too much of a hippie to DH. (sensing a theme yet?). And we made it through. I hated every second of the experience but we had a natural birth through sheer determination.

When I got pregnant again, his tune suddenly changed. He saw how horrible they treated me there for wanting a natural birth. He said right away that he knew I'd never go back to the baby factory again. And through some miracle, he had the occasion to visit the hospital that all the natural friendly people and me had been suggesting. He comes home one day and says, wow that place has really changed. After building a new regional hospital nearby a few years ago they turned the maternity ward this old little hospital into basically a full service birthing center inside a hospital, so they can do C-section there if they need to but are extremely natural friendly. So I switch to a midwife so I can deliver there and then find out I'm having twins. We still made it happen and had a great natural delivery there. DH is a convert.

tokenhoser

It took my DH a while to come around to the fact that me being pregnant was going to lead to me giving birth. Like... mabye until about week 30? So don't panic yet that you're not on the same page. I started off in the "why wouldn't I want an epi?" camp and slowly came around to the realization that that wasn't what I wanted. I had a totally med-free birth with my family doctor in a hospital.

Watching "The Business of Being Born"  is a great place to start. For my hubby, Ina May? No. Not a good idea. It didn't resonate with me, so I know it wouldn't be the way to convince my very logical, science minded husband that natural birth was the way to go. Honestly, he pretty much just let me make the decisions and was aware of the fact that if I was the one pushing a baby out of my vagina, that gave me the right to decide how I wanted to do it.

The doula thing took a bit of convincing because it cost $450 - but now, he would agree it was worthwhile. It made us both much more calm and helped us worry less. If you need a man's recommendation, I could probably get my DH to email yours, or if you know anyone IRL that's been through a natural birth with a doula, a recommendation from a guy goes a long way.  I know my husband talked to one of his friends that had recently been through birth with a doula, and it helped him realize it wasn't a crazy hippy-dippy desire of mine, but a practical support.

Oh and : Congratulations!

Tussie Mussie

At first my DH thought I was crazy for wanting to go natural. It didn't help that these initial conversations happened over the phone because he was at school for the navy. Eventually he watched the BOBB with me, but the thing that made the biggest impact on him I think was just finally understanding how Important it is to me. Although he finds most of the literature "hippie" and still jokes that he didn't know I was so "granola" he is fully on board to support whatever I want and that's what truly matters to me. He won't read the books, but I have heard him talking to family on the phone and everything he tells them about a natural birth is positive and encouraging. He retains a lot more of what I tell him from my reading than he would care to admit too. It just took time and letting the idea sink in. Like many of the Pps have said, he just didn't really know there were other ways to give birth than what is seen in the media. 

soralette

My DH wasn't as pro-natural as I was to begin with -- he didn't understand why anyone WOULDN'T get an epi if it's an option -- but he was mostly indifferent rather than opposed.

My DH is pretty different from yours, so I dunno how helpful I'll be, but just in case.... DH definitely prefers books so he can form his own opinions. Something like The BoBB would make him dig his heels in, because of how very strongly they advocate -- he'd feel like he was being led by the nose and lose any ability to see the valid things they're saying.

So I didn't bother with the movie at all, and instead we both read through Penny Simkin's books (Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn and The Birth Partner). He felt that even THOSE were pretty biased, but he understood where they were coming from. After reading those two, especially the latter, he was on board with getting a doula, and vaguely supportive of me going natural.

The thing that really opened his eyes was our childbirth classes, which we just started, and another book -- Obstetric Myths vs Research Realities by Henci Goer. Actually seeing the research laid out and reading about what the studies actually show versus what most OBs actually do was the final nail in the coffin, I think, haha.

He's now 100% behind me doing as natural a birth as I can and is willing to both actively defend my choices and question the doctors/nurses as needed wrt any/all proposed interventions.

LaurelBee

soralette:

My DH wasn't as pro-natural as I was to begin with -- he didn't understand why anyone WOULDN'T get an epi if it's an option -- but he was mostly indifferent rather than opposed.  

 

This was my H too. We ended up delivering at a hospital w/o a doula or midwife. I still had a great experience, but I wish I had stuck to my guns about getting an experienced MW on my side. The hospital nurses were super nice, but just didn't get why I didn't want an epi. They made me get the IV "just in case," so I was stuck in bed the whole time.  Unmedicated births account for less than 10% of natural births at my hospital...  The nurses just couldn't wrap their heads around "no epi."  And if my labor didn't progress as fast as it did, I probably would have caved and gotten it, based solely on the nurses pressure.

I'm still not sure if DH will be up for getting a MW if we get lucky with a second baby, but I'm going to push even harder for one the next time around.  I'm even trying to warm him up to the idea of a home birth   I brought it up today and he wasn't very happy with the idea...  I've still got time to get him warmed up to it! haha  GL and Congrats!