Am I being unfair?

mdotm0904

Sorry that I only post when I have a question but you ladies would know better than anyone. I need to start contributing to the board more. So forgive me. But anyway I have a question. BD hasn't seen LO since the day before we were discharged from the hospital (after we got in a huge fight because I wouldn't agree to any custody schedules b4y discharge.) so the next day he files papers for joint custody and sends an email saying he doesn't want anything to do with her because he doesn't think he's the dad. Haven't seen/nor heard from him since.

 Fast forward 2 months & 2 days and Today I get an email saying he is going to buy a paternity kit and I need to let him know when I'm available so that he can swab LO.  I told him I don't feel comfortable with an at-home test but if he Wants to make an appt at a lab and I take her to have a tech swab her, I'm more than willing. And in the meantime if he wants to see her he can.

He emails back pretty much telling me that we wouldn't be having this convo had I chosen my words more wisely in the hospital. And that he's not going to bond with a child that might not be his. And that he wants his at home test before we go to court and have them still do a test (in his papers he's requesting the court establish paternity). Also he says he doesn't want to solely do visits at my mom's house (where LO & I live, because of "everything going on" and that he'll consider visitation if I bring her to his house.)

 My gut is telling me to stand my ground. And that he may possibly have ulterior motives. Do I want him in LO's life? Yes I do. But he's already initiated court proceedings and we're just waiting for a date. So there's another part of me that's wondering why now pop up all of a sudden and demand testing & visits at your house? Why not just wait it out until we get our court dates and do it on the record. An I being unfair? Would you just let him do the at home test so he can start to bond w/LO? My apprehension is that I don't know where he's sending my child's DNA or if he's even going to send it. What if he sends some other DNA do that his "home test" comes back negative for paternity & then He's off the hook and has a "reason" for why he hasn't seen her in 2 months...

JCGreene85

Honestly.. No you are not being unfair. If he wants to see the child, he needs to meet you at your house on your terms. If he is demanding a paternity test, let the court take care of it. I wouldn't do an at home one. Please make sure you are documenting everything. What does your attorney say? Does he think its ok to take LO to a clinic to get the test? I wouldn't..

I would keep your communication with him to the very minimum. Unless it has something to do directly related to LO, don't respond. My EX called today to "talk" and I told him to have a nice day and hung up the phone. Why is he filing for joint custody for a child he doesnt even think is his? He is bluffing and trying to scare you into giving him what he wants. Don't let him. Talk it over with your attorney and proceed from there.

mdotm0904

I have everything in emails. And he and I don't talk. This is my first time hearing from him in 2 months. I don't have an attorney yet but I talked to a legal aid lawyer at the self help office at the courthouse and she said those at home tests have no merit & that if I don't feel comfortable I can request that he do one at a lab (which I did, but he didn't acknowledge that in his email he just went on & on about other stuff)

JCGreene85

You need to get a laywer. I know they are expensive but many allow you to do payment plans after you pay the retainer.

kmartinez80

Based on what you've written here and what I remember about the background of your situation I would just stand your ground.  If I remember correctly, didn't this guy get significant custody of his other kid(s) by basically taking them for a visit and not bringing them back to the mother and claimed he was the primary caregiver, or am I thinking of someone else? 

Essentially, you need to do what's best for your LO and not worry about if the bio-dad thinks you're being fair or not.  You're giving him the opportunity to visit LO and bond and if he really wanted to form that bond he would suck it up and go to your house for the visit.  As for the home paternity test, what would be the point?  No matter what it said it wouldn't hold up in court according to what you've written.  Also, you've agreed to have it done at a reputable lab, so it sounds like you're willing to compromise.  Just document everything as you've been doing and wait for the court orders.  Good luck!

mdotm0904

kmartinez80:

Based on what you've written here and what I remember about the background of your situation I would just stand your ground.  If I remember correctly, didn't this guy get significant custody of his other kid(s) by basically taking them for a visit and not bringing them back to the mother and claimed he was the primary caregiver, or am I thinking of someone else? 

Yup that's me!  Thanks. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I just didn't want a judge to think I was being hostile & unreasonable (which I don't think I am.)

cautionwillburneyes

Holy Moly!  Based on that alone, I wouldn't take her over to his place ever until custody is established.  He might not let you leave with her.  I'd be very careful if I was you.

cemacmil

Stand your ground and let everything go through the courts, no home tests or anything like that. It is hard to wait it out and from my experience things always got worse (verbal abuse, threats, etc) when the court date started looming - you just have to hang in there and truly protect your LO.

I wish you luck and strength.

mdotm0904

thank you everyone. it's a moot point now. i guess he didn't like my suggestion of us going to a lab if he absolutely couldn't wait for the court's test. he fired back some really passive aggressive emails about how i'm selfish & my daughter is going to grow up hating me once she learned the truth of how i kept her dad away from her (which is false). He also started talking about how he will never recognize her as his child (or call her his child) because she doesn't have his last name so he can't establish an emotional bond to her. and that he guesses he'll pay his little bit of child support and take it as a punishment for his mistake of not using protection.

yeah that email is pure gold. i'm hoping he shot himself in the foot with it and a judge will award me full physical custody. it can't POSSIBLY be in her best interest to have 50% time with someone who won't acknowledge her as his child or even call her by her first name (always refers to her as "the child" or "the baby".)

i'm not even understanding why he's fighting for equal time anyway. it's obvious he doesn't really care and he knew what her name (first,middle,last) was when we were in the hospital. he could have just left it (& us) alone. men, i don't get them.

mdotm0904

I'm convinced he's certifiable.well i guess all i can prove in court is that he's an a$$hole & not unfit. *heavy sigh*. well he just emailed me saying he wants to spend uninterrupted time with her at his residence and there's no reason that she can't do that since i take her to other people's homes.

1) when i take her to other people's homes, i never leave her! I've NEVER left her with anyone until now, she goes to daycare and that's just because I have to work. But that's the only time she's not in my possession.

2) you're not listed as her dad. just last night you said you'd never form an emotional connection to her and you won't even acknowledge her as your child because she doesn't have your last name. Soooo how do i know that you won't do something to hurt her? (this is why i suggested us meeting in a public place).

So i know he's going to reject my offer & just wait it out in court. Which is fine with me, i've never said he can't see her and i have the emails to prove it. And considering we're in the beginnings of a custody "fight", i'm fearing for my safety as well as that of my child's (people murder their exes all the time because of custody stuff) so i don't think a judge will look poorly on me for wanting to be safe!