Am I being a scrooge? (longish)

Noisemaker

Background--my family is all still up in Wisconsin.  Every year for Christmas we draw names for the kids in the family.  There's usually a price limit on the gift of about $15 and people are asked about now if they want to participate or not.  Most of the family who does it will be at the family Christmas Eve gathering, and that's where the presents are opened. 

We don't go to WI for the holidays for a variety of reasons, none of which are really relevant here.  But the last few years we have done the name thing for the girls.  We buy the gifts and send them up there so they are under the tree for whatever kids we got on Xmas Eve.  I like participating because it helps me feel connected to the family in some small way, and helps me remind my kids that they have family up there too. 

Now here's the but...the past 2 years we've drawn names of kids we've never met--my aunt's husband's grandkids from a prior marriage, and a third cousin (or something) whose parents I knew when I was about 5.  Also, last year, the people who drew my kids names never sent their gifts.  I sent one polite follow up after Xmas to make sure it wasn't lost in the mail, was assured something was coming, and nothing ever did.  

The dilemma--I was just asked to participate this year and declined.  I think it's not fair to ask people to ship stuff, and honestly buying for kids I don't know and not getting anything for the girls to open from their WI family doesn't really achieve my goal of feeling more connected.  So I figured we'd skip the headache, buy for the people I'm close to in the family and call it a day.  DH thinks I'm being a scrooge and I should reconsider.  

What say you Bumpies?  Am I being a scrooge, or is declining a reasonable thing to do at this point?  

L L CG

Not a scrooge at all.  "my aunt's husband's grandkids from a prior marriage" <<< that is ridiculous!

And, I'm sorry they never send your girls a gift.  That's really tacky. 

MrsAJL

We draw names for Hannukah for the grown-ups but it's within a very limited circle of people (i.e. just the adult kids).  There are only 5 grand kids on my husband's side so each kid gets a gift from the others but we cap the gift amount ($10-$15 and my gifts are usually handmade from stuff I already have. The benefits of being a crafty hoarder. )

I wouldn't participate in a gift name drawing that extended past first cousins for my kids.  That's just too much. I don't think you're being a scrooge at all.  

SaraLouiseBride08

Do it your way. It's not fair for your kids to get excluded, especially when you are sending gifts for kids you don't know! I know that was just one year, but it sounds like it's time for the routine to be updated as the family dynamics change. And until it is, do what works best for your family!

ali-1411

Not a scrooge at all.  Our families do the same thing and we stopped participating when we moved out of state.  My family understood, no big deal.  DH's family freaked out and several of them don't speak to us anymore. 

 

Chandley

L L CG:

Not a scrooge at all.  "my aunt's husband's grandkids from a prior marriage" <<< that is ridiculous!

And, I'm sorry they never send your girls a gift.  That's really tacky. 

 

this

august8080

I agree with everyone else. Not a scrooge at all!

Mrs.Froggianna

No, you're not being a Scrooge. For the last 2 years we've sent gifts to our 4 nieces and nephews (DH's side) and haven't got so much as a thank you phone call, let alone a gift for Luke. This year we're not sending anything. We're tired of our effort and generosity not being appreciated or even acknowledged. I say focus your efforts on The family you know and will see.

amyliisa

Noisemaker:

I think it's not fair to ask people to ship stuff, and honestly buying for kids I don't know and not getting anything for the girls to open from their WI family doesn't really achieve my goal of feeling more connected.  So I figured we'd skip the headache, buy for the people I'm close to in the family and call it a day. 

I think this says it all, it's very reasonable and rational, and not Scroogy at all.  And if anyone from up there asks why you're not participating, just repeat this to them.  End of story.

AustinAggie01

Declining is completely reasonable.  I'm surprised/impressed that that many family members still get together, being so extended (aunt's husband's grandkids and a third cousin?).  The point is to make that connection and it's not being made.  Do the kids atleast get a box of goodies or something from your parents or siblings?  My grandma used to send us a shoebox full of a ton of different baked goods, one for each of us to have one (6 sugar cookies, 6 doe eyes/peanut butter balls, 6 ginger snaps, etc.).  We always really looked forward to that even though the gift wasn't something you could keep/play with/wear.

My family is mostly in MI.  There are alot of them.  They don't presents anymore - there's no way my grandparents could buy for 100 people, but they get together every year for a celebration of Thanksgiving/Christmas at a VFW hall.  That's how many people there are and that's just grandparents, parents, kids and now a few kids of kids.  I don't even send anything to my grandparents besides a special handwritten letter with a few pictures, accompanying the Christmas card.  My grandma is more than happy with that.

MrsMillerTime

Mrs.Froggianna:

No, you're not being a Scrooge. For the last 2 years we've sent gifts to our 4 nieces and nephews (DH's side) and haven't got so much as a thank you phone call, let alone a gift for Luke. This year we're not sending anything. We're tired of our effort and generosity not being appreciated or even acknowledged. I say focus your efforts on The family you know and will see.

Yup.  I totally agree with this. 

Nessia

MrsAJL:

I wouldn't participate in a gift name drawing that extended past first cousins for my kids.  That's just too much. I don't think you're being a scrooge at all.  

I agree. If we were to do an exchange in my family and include anyone beyond 1st cousins the list would be never ending.

Jess.O

I think you made a good decision.  I wouldn't feel like participating either.

molliedb

i agree- do it your way.  it should be about giving to celebrate, not out of obligation or courtesy.

michelleaxo

L L CG:

Not a scrooge at all.  "my aunt's husband's grandkids from a prior marriage" <<< that is ridiculous!

And, I'm sorry they never send your girls a gift.  That's really tacky. 

This. I would politely bow out.

mlf625

No.  Decline.  Not Scroogy at all.

Is one of the irrelevant reasons that you don't like freezing your asskii off?   

joyco

Nope, I'd draw the line after such sh!tty circumstances too.  Who doesn't send a gift after drawing a name?  So rude!  You're not a scrooge and frankly, your husband is being too nice.

Noisemaker

mlf625:

Is one of the irrelevant reasons that you don't like freezing your asskii off?   

Absolutely!  :-)  I do miss that first snow of the season though...

 

Thanks everyone.  My family relationships are already a bit strained, so it really helps to get the feedback on stuff like this!

rssnlvr

Okay, I'll be the odd (wo)man out. I'd still participate. My family tree has a TON of remarriages, most of which bring children from those marriages along. Even if I'd never met the kid, I'd want to treat them just like I'd treat any other child in my extended family. And I wouldn't bow out because my kids didn't get anything in return...I get that it's an exchange, but I try to remember that giving gifts isn't about getting gifts in return. (Note that I recognize this is harder to do when my kids are involved and my momma bear protective instinct comes out when I feel like they are getting shafted.)

I don't think you're being a scrooge at all by not participating, but the reasons you listed wouldn't be enough for me, personally, to decline.

bluestreet

rssnlvr:

Okay, I'll be the odd (wo)man out. I'd still participate. My family tree has a TON of remarriages, most of which bring children from those marriages along. Even if I'd never met the kid, I'd want to treat them just like I'd treat any other child in my extended family. And I wouldn't bow out because my kids didn't get anything in return...I get that it's an exchange, but I try to remember that giving gifts isn't about getting gifts in return. (Note that I recognize this is harder to do when my kids are involved and my momma bear protective instinct comes out when I feel like they are getting shafted.)

I don't think you're being a scrooge at all by not participating, but the reasons you listed wouldn't be enough for me, personally, to decline.

I agree with this, if only through years of DH's influence on me. I'd do it through Ama.zon, not spend more than $20 total, and privately feel self-righteous for being a bigger person. But then I'd also tell folks in my family about the jerks who didn't deliver, in an act of total hypocrisy. And I might write a polite but honest email to last year's offender, and say that my kids were hurt to not be included (even if they were totally oblivious). In this way, I would effectively kill the spirit in which the whole thing is intended.  :-)