Feeling sad...

Snorkel30

I have been trying to stay positive through all of this that has happened. It's been an overwhelming week. We thought I would be pregnant 7 more weeks, and all of a sudden my water broke, and 24 hours later my baby was born because they couldnt stop labor and i had a c section. it all feels so surreal. almost like it all never happened, since so much happened so fast. 

i was doing good, staying positive and just being grateful he made it and is doing okay. but yesterday it all started to hit me. i sat there and just cried for an hour before my husband found me and was all worried what happened. I just feel this emptiness. like i felt him kicking and moving around just a week ago, and now there's nothing, and my baby's at the hospital being taken care of someone else. 

I just feel this emptiness, and i miss being pregnant. i didnt even get to a point that everyone said i would get to, just so sick of being pregnant and ready for him to come out. i was loving being pregnant and was being patient for 7 more weeks of when he was supposed to arrive. 

I hope this passes. I just miss him so much when we go home. I am so happy to see him and hold him, and then we leave, and i feel like im abandoning him in a weird way. just leaving him there to be taken care of by someone else, when really it should be me taking care of him. 

I just have moments in the day where I can't stop crying. I miss him so much. I haven't even changed  my ticker, with the countdown. It's strange to just not be pregnant anymore, it all happened so fast. 

I'm done venting and complaining. I don't mean to. i am really grateful to have this beautiful perfect son, i just have moments where it's so hard to accept all that has happened. 

Thanks for listening, anyone that made it through this post. 

 

JakesBride07

Big hugs!

Trust me when I say you are not alone. I think every single one of us here has felt that way at one time or another. There will be good days and bad days too. I had days where I was so overwhelmed and felt like I wasn't doing enough.

I would have gladly taken the swollen ankles, not being able to see my feet, the strech makrs, etc.

Hang in there momma, and remember we are here for you.

MommynTeacher

I know exactly how you feel, it is so hard- I cried reading your post and am still going! I was admitted on a Tuesday (32 weeks 3 days) and had an emergency c-section that Thursday, 19 days ago. When I was admitted I thought I was going to be there a few weeks but my pre-e had another plan and I would have had seizures or a stroke if I didn't have the baby. I was in the hospital 6 days and cried almost all the time, especially when they made announcements for all of the moms to get their babies from the nursey twice a day. I feel as though my pregnancy was taken from me and I can't even go back to my birth club board because I am so incredibly jealous of people going full term and posts about being "over" the pregnancy make me so mad.I stilll catch myself talking to "the baby" and patting my belly. My daughter is still in the NICU and I spend a lot of time with her. I know I'm not pregnant and gradually I am getting used to the fact that I'm not pregnant but it is easy to forget when you don't have the birth you hoped for or envisioned as the end of the pregnancy. Hang in there, it will get easier and when you are finally able to take your baby home it will feel more real. I had a big problem feeling like I wasn't able to be her mother when she was in the NICU, I spoke to some of the nurses about wanting to do more and now I do a lot with the baby. If your baby is stable enough ask to change diapers, kangaroo, take temps, etc. This will make you feel more like mommy and less helpless. I noticed a positive shift in my feelings and emotions when I took on more of a mommy role in the NICU. Good luck! 

urbanflowerpot

::hugs:: I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. JakesBride is right - we've all been there. I think a lot of us still go there one way or another. I cried a couple times last week, though it had been a while since I'd done that. I feel robbed. I feel uncomfortable around pg women. If they're more than 30 weeks I think well, you beat me. How nice. It's very bitter and not something I'm proud of I'm I'm trying to grab the reigns on. When we go by the hospital I point it out to DS and say look, that's where you used to live! I don't know how I'll ever explain any of this. I mean, I do, but you know what I mean. I always heard that my birth was the happiest day of my mom's life - it was the scariest in my life.

Believe it or not you'll take many good memories of this experience with you when you go.

JeepersWife

Big hugs to you, mama! Congrats on your little ones arrival! Having a LO come early is so hard! I felt all of the things you are feeling, and reading posts like yours bring all of that emotion back, even as I sit here with DS in front of me now. Your post has brought tears to my eyes because the emotion I felt when my DS came early and had to stay in the NICU for 26 days was so hard to handle. I also had times where I just broke down, so did my husband. You will have days where you will feel on top of everything and extra positive, but it will be followed by sadness. Even when my DS came home, for about a week or two I felt so guilty, everything I had been trying to keep under control was released. This board is full of mamas who know exactly what you are going through...which was a blessing for me because in real life I didn't know anyone who had been through this. Try to set a routine for yourself and dont hesitate asking for help if you really need it. I didn't too much because I wanted to keep busy. Also, if there are other parents near you in the NICU you feel comfortable talking about things with, do it! I made friends with a mom of another little boy born a week or so after DS but during the same gestational period and we still chat and meet up! We'll text about our boys and what is going on with them...anyway...I didn't mean to take over your post! Just want you to know you are not alone!

JeepersWife

Oh! And change your ticker! Announce to the world your precious guy is here! It is hard counting down to when delivery was "supposed" to be! And as the day gets closer that feeling of sadness will get stronger...but when the day passes so will the feeling!

adrielegorburu

I agree with PP - we have all been where you are.  My water broke at 22w5d - I was only about half way through my pregnancy.  DD was born within hours of admission.  It took me a while to get over all the feelings you are experiencing.  It helped me a lot to seek out other NICU moms and to talk to a counseler.  I still occassionally feel down about the end of my pregnancy, but now that DD is home and healthy all I have to do is look at her and it was all worth it.  Let yourself enjoy the time you have with your LO - find comfort in people (like us) that know what you are going through.  Everyday you will be closer to bringing your baby home and you will feel stronger everyday.  HUGS

sail123

I felt the exact same way. It gets easier with time and is a completely normal reaction. 

((hugs)) 

MrsLaurenandDan

OP - I could have written this post a few weeks ago.  I cried everytime we left the NICU.  Just know that it does get better, and it is normal. 

 

MommynTeacher:

I had a big problem feeling like I wasn't able to be her mother when she was in the NICU, I spoke to some of the nurses about wanting to do more and now I do a lot with the baby. If your baby is stable enough ask to change diapers, kangaroo, take temps, etc. This will make you feel more like mommy and less helpless. I noticed a positive shift in my feelings and emotions when I took on more of a mommy role in the NICU. Good luck! 

I agree with all of this - it helped me a lot. 

bhilyer

The other ladies have said everything I was thinking when I read your post.  Hang in there!  It will get better.

Never feel like you can't vent or cry here.  We've all be there and know how important it is to let it out.  We're here to support you

haziedaze

((HUGS)) Totally been there and sometimes go back there. I actually shed some tears last night, but now I have my sweet little early bird in my arms so it makes it all much easier. I def agree with others who suggest getting as involved as possible in the NICU. I took temps, did all diapers changes and my husband and I even did all of his baths while we were there- it really helped!

AlwaysSunny925

urbanflowerpot:

::hugs:: I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. JakesBride is right - we've all been there. I think a lot of us still go there one way or another. I cried a couple times last week, though it had been a while since I'd done that. I feel robbed. I feel uncomfortable around pg women. If they're more than 30 weeks I think well, you beat me. How nice. It's very bitter and not something I'm proud of I'm I'm trying to grab the reigns on. When we go by the hospital I point it out to DS and say look, that's where you used to live! I don't know how I'll ever explain any of this. I mean, I do, but you know what I mean. I always heard that my birth was the happiest day of my mom's life - it was the scariest in my life.

Believe it or not you'll take many good memories of this experience with you when you go.

This was the hardest part for me.  Right after my c/s I kept crying because I always thought my children's birth would be the happiest day of my life but I was so terribly sad.  I felt so bad for them.

Snorkel30

Wow, you ladies are amazing. Thank you so so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. It feels nice to have people that understand what it's like. Everyone around me just keeps saying congratulations, and think it's all just this super happy thing, which obviously having my baby be born and be okay is a happy thing, but there's also the part where it's so difficult to leave him every time and not have him home with us. We haven't really talked to any of the nicu people that are in there. But hpefully we will. There's a once a week meeting, like a nicu support group, so maybe we'll go to that. I just wanted to comment on all your posts, since you all took the time to write me as well.

 

TO JAKESBRIDE

 Thanks for writing. Exactly, I would have loved to still be pregnant, and have all the things pregnant women complain about, like feeling uncomfortable to the point where you just want the baby out. It would have been nice to get o that point before having him be born. As much as I would love to have control over that, I really didn't. It's hard, but hopefully it'll get better especially once they release him.

 

TO MOMMYNTEACHER

 Your post made me emotional. Thank you for writing it. I'm sorry if I brought anything back for you that you didn't want to think about.  I know how you feel. At time i catch myself rubbing my stomach, and I just feel so empty. I miss him in there so much. I am super happy when I get to go see him, which we go at least once or twice a day. It's just hard to have him be taken out and then not have him with me all the time. I would take the sleepless nights and all that people complain about, just to have him home. And your'e right, it does help. We go and give him baths, change his diapers, feed him, but then we have to leave and it's hard. It'll get easier once he's home i'm sure. Thanks again for writing, you're so nice.

 

URBANFLOWER POT

 Thank you for replying. I know how you feel, I have a hard time going to stores and seeing all these women with either their babies, or tons of pregnant women. On top of it, my parents live in another country, it's their first grandchild, they were super excited to come, got their flights and were gonna be here for the birth. Then he decided to come a month and a half early, and im kind of sad about that too. But there are positives, I am grateful the nurses are as amazing as they are and taking care of my little guy when i'm not there. i know it'll get better eventually. thanks again for writing

 

JEEPERSWIFE

Thank you for writing. I'm sorry if my post brought things back for you and made you cry. I really appreciate your support. It means a lot. I don't really feel like many people understand this feeling of emptiness and every moment i'm not with our little guy, i think about him and miss him. it gets harder at night. i will try to reach out and meet some other moms in the nicu. it's a bit hard because i know a lot of them are in there becauseo f drug use, and when i see those little babies clinging to life, i can't help but feel so bad for them, and look at the mom in a negative way like how could she do this to a little child. i dont mean to judge, but just going through this and it had happened without me wanting to have the baby early, or doing anything to start labor, and then seeing these poor babies in pain and hooked up to machines because of bad choices the mom made, it kills me to see them like that. but thank you, i will try to reach out, maybe even go to a nicu support group and see how it is. maybe it'll be good and i can meet some other moms in the same situation. Thanks again And I changed my ticker, it was hard to do that and not see the countdown anymore, but i just have to move on and accept it.

 

ADRIELEGORBURU

Thank you for writing. and understanding. I'm sorry you went through that, and it's nice to see you post and know it gets easier. it just seems like our little guy is almost ready to go home, but they're still keeping him, and it feels like he will never come home. they keep saying it'll be around his due date, but why? i mean, he isnt on brthing machines anymore or antibiotics, nipples most of his feedings, and they said once he fully does that and gains weight, then he can come home. I hope it's soon. Some moments i feel so happy and on top of the world because he's gotten through it and is going to be okay, but then i just hit bottom and look down at my stomach and feel such emptiness and miss him so much. i know it'll get easier. thank you!

 

SAIL123

Thank you. I'm sure it'll get better, i have moments where i feel great and then ones where i feel horrible. im sure it's the hormones adjusting too. thanks for writing

 

MRSLAURENANDDAN

Thanks for writing. I havent cried in the nicu other than the first day when i first got to touch him and hold him. since then, it's usually at home, i have those low moments. I'm sure it'll pass. Thank you

 

BHILYER

Thank you. This board has helped me already so much. Just to not feel alone in it. Everyone around me is just super happy and excited, but they dont realize how hard it is to not take your baby home after it's born. you go home, your stomach starts to shrink slowly and you feel this emptiness. I know it'll get better, and im trying to focus on the positive as much as i can, but i do have those moments where i feel so depressed. thanks for writing. 

 

HAZIEDAZE

Thanks for writing. yes, we get involved, we have been changing diapers, feeding, bathing, etc. It's just leaving him is hard, i feel like im abandoning him and leaving him to be taken care of by someone else. it makes me feel like he has no idea who his mom is, and im just another person that comes and picks him up and talks to him.  im no one special to him, because he is so little he doesnt understand yet. i just want to make up the time i lost, and yes, he has gotten here earlier than his due date so some say i have extra time with him, but i dont feel that way. because he was with me 24 hours a day when i was pregnant, and now i see him only a couple hours a day. so it's quite different. thanks again for writing. 

 

JNATKANIESC

I didn't really feel that sadness until i came home. i was excited to meet him when they took me into the operating room, and it was so intense. i cried so much when i first saw him and they held him up to the curtain. they were happy tears, but later it all kind of started to sink in and it was heartbreaking to leave him every day. i know it'll get easier. just gotta focus on the positive. thanks for writing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snorkel30

CurlingRocks:

First of all, your baby is beautiful!  And congratulations on making it to 33 weeks!  That is a big accomplishment around here.

I know it can be hard accepting that your pregnancy was abruptly ended, but it happened.  And someday, you will accept that.  You are amongst friends here, please feel free to share your emotions.  We've all been through them or are going through them now.  

Have you considered seeing a counselor/therapist?  I started seeing mine after I miscarried my daughter last fall and continued to see her regularly during my second pregnancy and since my son was born this summer.   It helps a lot to talk about what I'm feeling and have her reiterate that my feelings are normal and give me strategies to deal with them.  I'm opposed to taking medications unless absolutely necessary, so she has worked with me to find other solutions to the depressed feelings.  If you don't know where to find one, ask your OB or check the yellow pages. 

And really, forgive yourself for not making it to 40 weeks!  You did your best, and your baby knows it.

 

 Thank you! i know, he's so perfect, thank you for the compliments. we are so in love with him. and thank you for the kind message. I will look into going to the nicu support group, im sure that would help. i hope i didnt do anything wrong to make him come early, they said they didnt know what made my water break. i just want him home, and hopefully that will help with this empty feeling. thanks again!

mrsV719

I can't add too much to what the other girls have said. I just want to reiterate that you are DEF not alone. LO was born at 28w4d, spent 82 days in the NICU and has been home now for 27 weeks (almost as much time out of the NICU as he was inside me)... and I cried today. I am still fairly new to this whole thing... but I feel like it will never fully go away... the hurt, disappointment, anger, jealousy, frustration, sadness, and guilt... it will always be there. It does get better though... and like the NICU- your emotional state will be a roller coaster. But we are here for you. I wouldn't have made it through without the ladies here. It is so nice to know you aren't alone... and you aren't! Keep your head up!