DD distancing herself from DH - help?

amyinaustin

It's been a gradual thing, but it has really become apparent in the past few weeks.  DD is super clingy to me these days.  She does not like DH putting her down at night, she will say really hurtful things like "I don't like Daddy" or "I don't love him" as an excuse.  He'll still put her down and she'll bawl the entire time and won't stop until I come in to give her "one last kiss".  She often gets her feelings hurt very easily with him -he'll say no to more candy just as I would and she falls apart bawling to me.  He was very understanding at first, but it's really starting to hurt his feelings now too and I can also see that he's really starting to lose his patience. 

I know this must have at least a little to do w/ the new baby coming - but I need help getting them to overcome this.  Should we just continue to force the issue - him putting her to bed even though she cries the whole time and just kinda tough-love it?  Should we take a different approach?  Any other suggestions?

I know that I'm going to need DH's helpmore than ever when the new baby gets here, so I want to help them connect more as much as they can between now and then.

Thanks for any advice you guys can offer.

carlinlp

We go through this at my house too.  Taryn used to bounce back and forth on who she liked more.  Teagan, he's a momma's boy through and through.  DH tries not to let it get to him.  When it is really in his face though we try to have them go on a guy date to do something special for just the boys.  That really helps.  Something special, he really loves to do, but it's just for the two of them.  Maybe that would help you guys too?  Maybe bring it up to her a day or so before and make a big deal about it, daddy daughter date, etc.

amyinaustin

carlinlp- Thank you, that's actually something I've been thinking about suggesting.  I'll have to brainstorm some ideas and bring it up to DH - I'm glad to hear that you've had some success with it.

fjaril

H has ups and downs with O too. It's par for the course. You have to remember she doesn't know/understand saying I don't like him is hurtful. That's the first thing to keep in mind. It's just her way of saying she doesn't want him. Not to hurt, just is what it is.

What helped for us also was big spend the day with Papa day. It was during a weekend I got off in a hotel, so there was no choice but to let O take care of everything for him.

They went in to the city and had lunch and rode the train (things H loves) and the next day they went to the zoo. 

I think it comes from them being with us and not seeing papa so much. At least in my case, he can still go a whole day and night w/out seeing his papa so when he does and O has little patience with him, H is all, wtf screw that.

jgb2000

My DD does that too. It goes in and out. When we had our 'month of hell' in July/August it was really bad but so was daycare drop-off, bedtime, etc. Even with me she was sometimes a nutcase at bedtime.

No real advice. Our doc said it was normal. We tried to have dad do daycare drop-off since she got less upset leaving him than me. We gave her at least a day's notice if he was doing the bedtime routine including bathtime. And we reminded her about it on the way home, at home, at dinner time, etc. Even if she bawled, he still did it. She usually got the picture. 

Kids are 19 months apart and she did fine when I was 9 months pregnant and immediately after her brother was born (when I couldn't lift her). This happened around 2.5 years old. I seriously thought she was sick, took her to a dentist, etc. It was AWFUL.

 When she seems to be getting into her craziness again we just try to stay firm. DH has always taken her and now both kids to get donuts on Sunday mornings and grocery shopping on Saturday mornings. She does fine with that and I think it helps. And we try to get her to do things alone with each parent. She's been enjoying project time with DH lately. He buys posterboard, paint, pipe cleaners, stickers, etc and they go to town. I wish I could say I thought of that one. It keeps her occupied for long stretches.

 Good luck.

BLONDIE6FT

i bought a book called 'daddy and me'. you could buy something like that to read at night and it talks about how great daddy is and what kids do with daddies.

ali-1411

I think its totally normal and just a phase.  I think this is one of the cases though - the more you push her her, the more she'll cling.

We always humor Layna in her Mommy/Daddy phases.  They don't last and the other parent enjoys the break!

amyliisa

I also think it's a phase, and we go through it from time to time.  Now is one of those times. I notice it happens when he is with me more than he's with Daddy.  Before I got pg, when I worked shift work, I worked 12-hr shifts every other weekend (F-Su).  So DH was with him all weekend, and after those weekends, he wanted nothing to do with me.  It would take a few days of me spending more time with him before he would "like" me again.

Now that I have the same schedule as DH, DH has been occupied a lot on our weekends and evenings off with meetings, projects, etc, so DS has been spending a lot of time with me.  He doesn't want DH to give him a bath, or read him a book or tuck him in, or even drop off or pick him up from school.  We've just this week begun integrating Daddy back into the routine and giving DS a lot of fair warning that "Tomorrow Daddy's going to read you a book.  Think about what book you want Daddy to read tomorrow", etc.  And DH has started doing daycare drop off/pick ups more often than I am.  It seems to be working - yesterday after work DH picked him up, and I went grocery shopping (by myself!  Heaven!).  When I got home, they were having a ball, building a blanket fort in the family room and "hiding" from me.  DH is almost his best friend again!

ETA:  (oops, I hit post too soon!)  So, to answer your question, I guess I would say I love the idea of Daddy-Daughter Dates (I have a good friend who STILL does this regularly, and his daughter is 16 now.  It's been their thing since she was a baby, and it's so sweet!).  But also, just try to start small with daily/nightly routines.  DS doesn't scream and cry, but he has gotten very whiney and teary when we've told him it's Daddy's turn to read books, etc.  We usually tell him that he can have Daddy read a book, or go to bed with no book.  He'll think about it for a bit, then say Daddy can read to him.  For the most part, giving him the choice between 2 undesired choices, makes him choose the "right" one.

Taytee

For both our girls, one on one time makes all the difference in the world. With both of us around, they both act up and act out. But they still both go through phases where they prefer one of us or the other. It makes me sad when Emily wants DH to put her to bed (Daddy do!!!) but hey, sometimes she only wants me for a few weeks/months at a time. It's a natural and normal part of growing up. Experimenting with feelings.

amyinaustin

thanks for all the suggestions - glad to know that it's normal too.  She has done it on and off forever, but it's never gone on this long, so that's what's different this time.  I'll try the daddy-daughter date thing and hope for the best!