Dating post divorce question

cemacmil

How did you feel if/when you started dating again?

I know that someone once said that they had the feeling of if it worked out great, if not- they knew it would hurt but it wouldn't be the end of the world. Is this basically everyone's take?

I started dating someone a couple of months ago (have known him my whole life, family friend and has been a great support) but I don't want the fear of getting hurt to turn on the co-dependent side of me again. I haven't dated in over 6 years, so I feel like I am not only "new" in this particular relationship, but new to dating as an adult as well.

Thanks.

P.S. I know I don't reply often with advice, but I feel I am new to all this and don't want to give advice unless I really stand behind it.

Snowypumpkinqueen

I don't even know if I'm ever going to date again. I feel like part of me is still getting over my previous relationship with LO's dad. 

achase123

I know there will always be a fear of getting hurt, but my main concern from your post is making sure that you are in a good enough place to date.  I first dated about six months post-divorce and I was more invested in that relationship than I should have been because I wasn't really emotionally strong enough to be in a relationship.

I have the idea of if it works out great, if not no biggy but it takes a long time to get there.  I'm over two years out of my marriage.  I know that I am self sufficient on my own and while I want to meet someone I also know that I can stand on my own two feet.  I think this is the optimal place to be in because I know what I'm worth and I won't settle for less than that.  I also am in a different place than I even was a year ago.  Someone who I might have found appealing shortly after my divorce is completely different than what I'm looking for now.

Just make sure that you are ready.  That's my main advice.  If you feel like you already have a great life without this person, and they just enhance it, then that's a good place to be in.  If you feel like having the relationship is the ONLY good thing that you have going for you then that's a bad sign.  What if it ends (as many relationships do) then where will you be?

 

cemacmil

achase123:

I know there will always be a fear of getting hurt, but my main concern from your post is making sure that you are in a good enough place to date.  I first dated about six months post-divorce and I was more invested in that relationship than I should have been because I wasn't really emotionally strong enough to be in a relationship.

I have the idea of if it works out great, if not no biggy but it takes a long time to get there.  I'm over two years out of my marriage.  I know that I am self sufficient on my own and while I want to meet someone I also know that I can stand on my own two feet.  I think this is the optimal place to be in because I know what I'm worth and I won't settle for less than that.  I also am in a different place than I even was a year ago.  Someone who I might have found appealing shortly after my divorce is completely different than what I'm looking for now.

Just make sure that you are ready.  That's my main advice.  If you feel like you already have a great life without this person, and they just enhance it, then that's a good place to be in.  If you feel like having the relationship is the ONLY good thing that you have going for you then that's a bad sign.  What if it ends (as many relationships do) then where will you be?

 

Thanks achase. You raise some really valid points/questions to ask myself, and I have more been asking myself that last question to make sure that I am truly in check.

It is definatly not the only good thing I have going and I am aware of that, but also a good point to remind myself of as well. I know that I still have more independent growing to do and I am looking forward to that as well...moving to my own new place, moving to a new place in my work, etc.

Again thank you for the points you raised - definatly will be good to think on.

expectingnothing

All of AChase's post.

 Also go really slow.  Really.  Make sure you are still working on you, your independent life, fostering your own goals and hobbies and developing on your own.

 Your DD is only 3 months old, she's probably not STTN yet and the post partum hormones are still in effect.  Things may feel more dramatic if that makes any sense.  My best, best advice is above - take the time to go slow.  It's not a race.  

cemacmil

expectingnothing:

All of AChase's post.

 Also go really slow.  Really.  Make sure you are still working on you, your independent life, fostering your own goals and hobbies and developing on your own.

 Your DD is only 3 months old, she's probably not STTN yet and the post partum hormones are still in effect.  Things may feel more dramatic if that makes any sense.  My best, best advice is above - take the time to go slow.  It's not a race.  

Thanks for your response. I am going really slow, pretty much a snails pace - not easy but we both know it is for the best - and no I am not talking physical, more emotional.

Luckily DD is sleeping through the night (I wasn't able to take my full leave so I sleep trained her early). But you are right about the PP hormones, those do make going slow and being in the here and now difficult for me with dating. I am slowly learning how to press the "pause" button in my brain when those come on and am lucky in that the person I am dating can do the same without hurting any feelings.

Plus dating as a single parent makes it easy to go slow when you can only get together every so often, so DD is helping as well :P (as is finding my true niche at work).

Thank you again for your response, it is always good to be reminded of those points and know they are coming from experience! Oh yeah, and the physical is slow too FYI - hugs and hand holding are just fine with me right now!