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Natural Birth
Mamas who have had a c-section (or traumatic birth) can I get some advice?
A friend of mine had her baby the other day and it sounds like it was a pretty traumatic experience. The quick details: She dilated to 10 and pushed for three hours. They attempted a vacuum assist and when that didn't work they had to do an emergency section. They apparently tore her cervix when they pulled the baby back through and she lost a ton of blood and were worried that she might lose her uterus. She is doing okay now health wise. This is her second baby and her first experience was also pretty traumatic (this was before I met her) because she delivered really early (30 weeks) and aspirated (vomit I think?) while pushing and after they got the baby out she was rushed into surgery.
I feel so bad that she has had these very scary experiences. I had long hard labors but overall they were great experiences. I am going to see her this weekend and don't want to say the wrong thing. I figure I should probably avoid talking about my experience in relation to hers. What else should I say or more importantly not say? Thanks for any advice!
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Re: Mamas who have had a c-section (or traumatic birth) can I get some advice?
Don't say anything that even resembles "A healthy baby is all that matters," including, "at least baby is healthy." Nothing that could be construed even vaguely as putting her gratitude for a healthy baby in question, or minimizing her feelings. You obviously care about her, and are sensitive to the fact that she had a traumatic delivery, so I'm sure you wouldn't have said those things anyway, but apparently some people need a reminder.
Take them dinner if you can, and just listen if she wants to talk- now or later. Even if she doesn't want to talk about it, you might just say something like "Being upset about your experience doesn't have anything to do with being happy about LO."Just so she knows she can talk to you without feeling judged.
You're a sweet friend for thinking about this!
What pps said. No "at least you had a healthy baby" or "at least it wasn't 200 years ago and you would have both died." or "at least your vagina is intact." This should go without saying, but don't say anything that implies she is defective like "you obviously don't have childbearing hips" (people actually said things like that to me after my c-section). Just listen to her if she wants to talk about it and understand that it might take her a long time to make peace with.
GL to your friend. I'm sorry that happened to her.
Exactly! It was so hard already not having the birth I envisioned. The last thing I needed was people telling me I was ungrateful. The best thing in any circumstance is to say, "I am sorry. I am here." And then let the other person take the lead.
I agree with what everyone else said. I also wanted to add that active listening is really important. I had a very long labor turned c/s, trouble breastfeeding when DS was born and an infection that required my c/s be re-opened. I had planned on a birth center birth and felt broken and severely depressed (thanks PP hormones). When I was getting ready to be discharged the LC came to check on me one last time. I broke down sobbing and she gave me the biggest hug. She told me that she was so proud of me and how strong I was. That she could understand how heartbreaking it must have been to go through so much in such a short period of time. She didn't have to say much. I still get teared up when I think about her, because she didn't try to explain anything, or tell me anything. She listened and that is what I needed.
all of this.
can't count how many people said "at least baby is health, that's all that matters in the end." as if i no longer mattered. it was said with good intentions, but it left me feeling even worse.
Ditto this. The fact that you're thinking about it beforehand is great. One unaware friend told me after my c/s with my first "you didn't give birth." That stung for a long time. I also got a lot of healthy baby comments. Just being there, listening and helping her with household chores will be huge. I'm sorry she had such traumatic births.
Thank you for the responses ladies! I use to be one of those people who would say "all that matters is a healthy baby" because I was unaware of just how hurtful that statement could be. I no longer say that.
Iris- I guess her doctor made a comment about her hips not being built to deliver right before they went for the c-section. I think I visibly cringed when my DH (who was told by her DH) told me that.
Ugh. The OB who did my c/s told me the same thing right before my c/s and then again when I asked about VBAC at my 6 week postpartum appointment. It made me feel like a giant failure. I should write her a letter telling her about my awesome VBAC with a bigger baby haha.
Do it!
In all seriousness, you should let her know. She gave you an unofficial diagnosis of CPD, right? It might be good for her to realize that she needs to be more careful in the future. Who knows, one of her future patients may benefit from it.
I agree. They should know!