Considering divorce **UPDATED**

ldoo

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and dated for 7 before that. He married me basically cause he felt obligated to, and I wanted to marry him because I had low self-confidence, didn't want to start over and I wanted kids.

I know. Very stupid.

We have a 19mo and 3yo. He is not incredibly involved, but he is a loving dad for sure. But he screams and yells and has the world's worst temper. He is very controlling. He obsesses about the cleanliness of the house and freaks out if too many sippy cups are used or if the toys are all over the place.

He just seriously needs anger management therapy, and even if he got it, I am just done being in an emotionally abusive relationship. (Is that emotionally abusive? It feels like it is.)

And I do NOT want to be selfish and mess my kids up through divorce. But they shouldn't have to hear him scream. It scares them. And it teaches them to yell. And they see us fighting. I just don't think it's healthy for any of us, and my husband isn't happy either.

But I'm scared. Can I afford a divorce? Can I support my family (I work full time, and I know he would definitely pay any child support he was required to)? And I don't want to "share" my girls. I want to be with them, not send them away for weekends at a time.

I've known all along that this relationship wouldn't work. But pulling the trigger scares me, and I'm so worried about what it might do to my children.

Just looking for support. 

UPDATE:

I told my husband that I wanted a divorce because we can't handle his temper. He finally got the point and immediately began looking into anger management counseling. It's a start.

PrettyInPearls23

Aren't you worried about what it would do to your children to stay in this marriage? For them to see their parents yelling and fighting and being raised by a father who has an awful temper? You're not doing them any favors by staying.

ETA: Divorce doesn't "mess up" children. It's about how you handle the divorce and the co-parenting with your ex.

ldoo

PrettyInPearls23:

Aren't you worried about what it would do to your children to stay in this marriage? For them to see their parents yelling and fighting and being raised by a father who has an awful temper? You're not doing them any favors by staying.

ETA: Divorce doesn't "mess up" children. It's about how you handle the divorce and the co-parenting with your ex.

My OP: And I do NOT want to be selfish and mess my kids up through divorce. But they shouldn't have to hear him scream. It scares them. And it teaches them to yell. And they see us fighting. I just don't think it's healthy for any of us, and my husband isn't happy either.

That's exactly why I want to leave. I refuse to let them, or me, live like that.

ETA: I'm worried about how to handle it so it doesn't "mess them up." But I know I'll use any and all resources I have to make sure it's as healthy as possible.

peeps61308

PrettyInPearls23:

Aren't you worried about what it would do to your children to stay in this marriage? For them to see their parents yelling and fighting and being raised by a father who has an awful temper? You're not doing them any favors by staying.

ETA: Divorce doesn't "mess up" children. It's about how you handle the divorce and the co-parenting with your ex.

This! The unknown is scary and the first steps are the hardest. You and your children deserve a happy home.

ldoo

peeps61308:

PrettyInPearls23:

Aren't you worried about what it would do to your children to stay in this marriage? For them to see their parents yelling and fighting and being raised by a father who has an awful temper? You're not doing them any favors by staying.

ETA: Divorce doesn't "mess up" children. It's about how you handle the divorce and the co-parenting with your ex.

This! The unknown is scary and the first steps are the hardest. You and your children deserve a happy home.

Yes, yes we do. Thank you.

peeps61308

ldoo:

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and dated for 7 before that. He married me basically cause he felt obligated to, and I wanted to marry him because I had low self-confidence, didn't want to start over and I wanted kids.

I know. Very stupid.

We have a 19mo and 3yo. He is not incredibly involved, but he is a loving dad for sure. But he screams and yells and has the world's worst temper. He is very controlling. He obsesses about the cleanliness of the house and freaks out if too many sippy cups are used or if the toys are all over the place.

He just seriously needs anger management therapy, and even if he got it, I am just done being in an emotionally abusive relationship. (Is that emotionally abusive? It feels like it is.)

And I do NOT want to be selfish and mess my kids up through divorce. But they shouldn't have to hear him scream. It scares them. And it teaches them to yell. And they see us fighting. I just don't think it's healthy for any of us, and my husband isn't happy either.

But I'm scared. Can I afford a divorce? Can I support my family (I work full time, and I know he would definitely pay any child support he was required to)? And I don't want to "share" my girls. I want to be with them, not send them away for weekends at a time.

I've known all along that this relationship wouldn't work. But pulling the trigger scares me, and I'm so worried about what it might do to my children.

Just looking for support. 

UPDATE:

I told my husband that I wanted a divorce because we can't handle his temper. He finally got the point and immediately began looking into anger management counseling. It's a start.

While I am happy that he may be attempting to change things for the better, I urge you not to get your hopes up. In fact, I would advise moving forward with your plans (i.e. speaking to an attorney, saving money, etc.) While you don't have to file any papework, at least you will be prepared for the next step if he doesn't follow through. Good luck!

ldoo

peeps61308:

ldoo:

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and dated for 7 before that. He married me basically cause he felt obligated to, and I wanted to marry him because I had low self-confidence, didn't want to start over and I wanted kids.

I know. Very stupid.

We have a 19mo and 3yo. He is not incredibly involved, but he is a loving dad for sure. But he screams and yells and has the world's worst temper. He is very controlling. He obsesses about the cleanliness of the house and freaks out if too many sippy cups are used or if the toys are all over the place.

He just seriously needs anger management therapy, and even if he got it, I am just done being in an emotionally abusive relationship. (Is that emotionally abusive? It feels like it is.)

And I do NOT want to be selfish and mess my kids up through divorce. But they shouldn't have to hear him scream. It scares them. And it teaches them to yell. And they see us fighting. I just don't think it's healthy for any of us, and my husband isn't happy either.

But I'm scared. Can I afford a divorce? Can I support my family (I work full time, and I know he would definitely pay any child support he was required to)? And I don't want to "share" my girls. I want to be with them, not send them away for weekends at a time.

I've known all along that this relationship wouldn't work. But pulling the trigger scares me, and I'm so worried about what it might do to my children.

Just looking for support. 

UPDATE:

I told my husband that I wanted a divorce because we can't handle his temper. He finally got the point and immediately began looking into anger management counseling. It's a start.

While I am happy that he may be attempting to change things for the better, I urge you not to get your hopes up. In fact, I would advise moving forward with your plans (i.e. speaking to an attorney, saving money, etc.) While you don't have to file any papework, at least you will be prepared for the next step if he doesn't follow through. Good luck!

Yeah, I still don't get the sense that this relationship can last forever. I'm definitely on guard. 

Thanks. 

littlemama480

i just found this post today and wanted to say hi and that i'm in the same boat as you.  I could have written your post, my kids are about the same age.  I've accepted divorce as inevitable, i don't think my DH can change who he is (angry and uninvolved) for the long term.  I have no idea when i'm going to say something about it.  I am super scared about being able to afford things, because he makes way more money than me.