XP-Frustrated with school's expectations

WendyK

First I will say I love my son's preschool but lately I have been frustrated with their expectations of DS. DS is an only child and is quieter than most kids his age. I have always said he marches to the beat of his own drummer. He is very smart, he is reading, and is ready for Kindergarten according to all of the requirements. He plays with friends when they are in the classroom, but can be stubborn at times (he is 4). Here is the thing that is aggravating me..at the parent teacher conference the teacher kept bringing up that when he is outside is off by himself exploring and that he is not playing with the other boys. She said she continually tries to get him to run with the other boys but he would rather look at the trees, or dance around the playground by himself.  I asked how he did when he was in the room and she said fine. She kept bringing it up as a negative...I love this teacher but I don't understand why this is an issue. Yes my kid is shy  (cautious) but he is happy and is an explorer. Any input would be appreciated!

howleyshell

First - I think it's GREAT that you recognize that your child is more introverted than most and embrace his personality differences.

However.... social development is a huge part of the school experience in pre-school.  In fact I think they focus more on that than they do academics in a lot of cases so I'm not surprised to see them bringing up this issue.

In your shoes I think I'd ask the teachers to see a list of NON-academic mile stones they're seeking to see him achieve before the end of this year so it can be more specific than simply "he's not engaging with others on the play ground"

They may have genuine concerns about things like his ability to make eye contact, communicate and share with peers, etc but they're just not expressing those concerns well.

Here's a link to a list of goals for kids in pre-school:

www.pbcframework.resource4preschool.com/frameworkguidelines.pdf

Interactions with peers is on the list of things that they're strive to help them become more comfortable with so in their defense they're trying to do their job - they're just not doing a great job of communicating their concerns with you.

 As a Mom of a 16 and 5 yr old who are both on the introverted side and a DH who's an engineer we discuss this topic from time to time.  You can be the smartest person in the world and score sky high on every test you're ever given but if you are not comfortable communicating with other people it will be uncomfortable or even a struggle to do simple things like interview for a job or share the discoveries your intellect leads you to with other people.

I don't think they're trying to make him conform to a mold as much as make sure that he's developing a balance that includes basic people skills.

Bride2bMO

I'm not sure you're looking at it the best way. They aren't picking on him (or you) for this. There is no grade. They are trying to make meaningful observations about their students' development, and it doesn't sound like they made a suggestion of intervention. Just, hey, let's all keep our eye on this together and be ready to act if necessary.

My son has autism, and he does not engage with peers on the playground, but he will in small groups with adult help. Anyway, I'd have given anything if his "Kids Day Out" teachers had spoken up more about his unusual tendencies. It wasn't until I sent an observer in that I realized the way he was always on the outskirts at that program. He was so withdrawn that he was a piece of cake to care for (unlike his wild boy antics at home) so they always just said he was so "good." What they meant was "easy," and not telling me the whole picture wasted some precious time.

Hopefully there is nothing going on with your son. and there is nothing wrong with being shy, but there is a fine line between basic shyness and social anxiety or other issues. I think the teacher is actually pretty great for adding it to the discussion. Some early childhood teachers wouldn't bother, especially if you didn't ask about it first. There's no downside to keeping an eye on his social development, in my opinion.

franciscaz

Honestly I think your teacher has a good point.  Social development is a crucial part of a child's readiness and development.  If he is just off on his own, at this age it might not matter, but if the skills are not developed he will struggle as he gets older as the teasing age begins.

I was a child who definitely had my own drum. I sat on my own instead of playing in the playground.  It wasn't that I wasn't athletically talented (I was a competitive dancer)... I just would rather write stories and draw or read than go run around or deal with silly girls and barbies.  I just was different.  Unfortunately as I got older kids went from not caring to really teasing me.  By middle-school I was really lonely but I didn't fit in very well.  By the mid-high school I caught up (it helped I was really cute) but from I would say 3rd to 10th grade it was a struggle.

Now I see my Rachel and she is a lot like me.  She doesn't play with her brothers or interact well during play group.  I really want to encourage her to still learn and discover but to be around other kids and get those social skills started.  I don't want her falling behind like I did. 

WendyK

Thank you all so much for your feedback. We actually have had DS in numerous studies, we live to close to a university town. We were concerned about autism when he was younger since he was so shy but all the researchers (psychologist and psychiatrist) came back with the same conclusion that he was just a shy kid. I guess I should clarify he does participate but just not the typical running, jumping, etc with other kids at school. In our neighborhood he is one of the first one to run and play with the neighborhood kids. Honestly now that I think about it, while he has always been shy it was not a huge issue (about the playground) until this year. We will just keep an eye on it and work with the teacher closely. Thanks so much!!

WendyK

They are actually of all ages as well as the kids in his karate classes. He does interact outside of the classroom it is just not running, rough housing, etc. He likes to walk around with a few friends (especially his best friend Harry). Play on the slide but not typical "boy" activities.

 I will add that he can hold a great conversation actually with not just me, dh but totally strangers (not one sided),  great gross motor skills, very empathetic, has a terrific sense of humor, has a well balanced view of various subjects (loves all things boy but also loves flowers and beautiful things), does not focus on anyone item or topic, no sensitivities. I wanted to add this since some people have brought up autism.