Advice needed - Desperately want to help my friend but not sure how!

kdalessandro

Hi Ladies,

I might be in the wrong spot completely, but I am feeling really lost here and am hoping some of you can either give me advice or point me to another board where I won't inadvertently hurt anyone feelings with the following situation/question:

My friend called me yesterday with news that she is pregnant and absolutely cannot go thru with it and wants to end the pregnancy.  She is pretty firm in her decision, yet she feels horrible about it, never having wanted to "make that choice."  She is coming to the DC area to have it done b/c her bf lives here.  My question is - what is the best way I can help her as her friend?  Have any of you been in this type of situation or know someone who has been?  Are there cliche type things I should absoultey stay away from saying?  I want to be the most supportive friend I can be, but I just feel like I'm failing miserably.  I couldn't even figure out if I could say the word "abortion" to her, like that would maybe set her off crying?  I don't know, I just feel lost...

Also, the other reason I came to this board is because she wants to get it done in this area, so I thought maybe I could offer her some suggestions on nice/friendly/comfortable clinics where the experience would be as calm and as least upsetting as possible.  I have never dealt with this before, though, so I wasn't sure if any ladies on this board might have some suggestions.

Thank you very much in advance to anyone who has any advice. 

ch ch ch chia

I have taken two people before.

In both instances, we talked a lot about it before we went -  I mainly just tried to listen.  If they would have said anything that would lead me to believe that they would regret it, I may have tried to stop them - but, at the time, it was the right decision for both of them.  Now, I feel differently about abortion than I did back then - so, I'd probably have a more in-depth conversation about the pros and cons, and different options... without being judgy or pushy.  But, we're not in college anymore, and we have a lot more life experience under our belts.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do your best to offer a listening ear.  After the procedure, if you think it would help, try to go over to hang out with her (I'm not sure where she's staying?) - come armed with magazines, nail polish, and other various distractions. 

Also, make sure you keep in contact afterwards.... she's going to need a lot of support in the coming months.  Particularly around the time she would have been due.

Sofka

just be there for her, don't judge her and offer support afterwards, she may be in pain

I've never taken anyone or gotten it done but have always been pro-choice. Now that I have kids, I am not sure I could do it (for me) but I still believe stronly in the right to choose.

Good luck, I am sure it's a very difficult time for her and her BF.

ETA: I thought most OBs do this.

tomandcourt

I know Planned Parenthood does them, downtown at 16th and L or so. I've heard good things (or, you know, as good as could be expected considering).

I ditto pp on just being supportive and listening to whatever she wants to say, without judgement. It's a tough decision and I'm sure it's not one she's taking lightly. 

JKM416

As PPs said, just be a listener.  You could even say, "Neither of us have ever been in this position before, so I don't know what to say.  I don't want to say the wrong thing.  So I'll let you do most of the talking and be as supportive as I can."

One thing she may be looking for right now is validation for her decision, but try to stay as impartial and emotionally uninvolved as possible.  That sounds harsh, but she's likely going to have all kinds of feelings immediately after...and around the due date...and even years later when friends make pregnancy announcements.  And especially if she purposefully gets pregnant again one day.  If she ever regrets the decision, or just wonders a lot of "what ifs," you don't want her to look back on this and look for someone to consider an enabler (just so she can absolve herself of any guilt or conflict).  It wouldn't be personal, but if she could point to specific things that people did or said that could later be construed as "pushing" her toward the decision (even though you totally weren't), it could damage your friendship.  Hope that makes sense.  A situation like this has no easy answers, both short-term and long-term.  But she's lucky to have you as a non-judgmental, supportive friend.

kdalessandro

JKM416:

As PPs said, just be a listener.  You could even say, "Neither of us have ever been in this position before, so I don't know what to say.  I don't want to say the wrong thing.  So I'll let you do most of the talking and be as supportive as I can."

One thing she may be looking for right now is validation for her decision, but try to stay as impartial and emotionally uninvolved as possible.  That sounds harsh, but she's likely going to have all kinds of feelings immediately after...and around the due date...and even years later when friends make pregnancy announcements.  And especially if she purposefully gets pregnant again one day.  If she ever regrets the decision, or just wonders a lot of "what ifs," you don't want her to look back on this and look for someone to consider an enabler (just so she can absolve herself of any guilt or conflict).  It wouldn't be personal, but if she could point to specific things that people did or said that could later be construed as "pushing" her toward the decision (even though you totally weren't), it could damage your friendship.  Hope that makes sense.  A situation like this has no easy answers, both short-term and long-term.  But she's lucky to have you as a non-judgmental, supportive friend.

That sounds so simple (as in, I should've thought of that!), but it's really great advice - I probably will wind up saying something along those lines.

And a BIG thank you to the other PPs who gave great advice as well.  I definitely am going to try to be as supportive as I can be and be a listening ear without imparting my own thoughts/opinions on her - not that I ever would to be pushy or judgmental, but PPs are right - I don't want her to lean on what I say as validation, one way or the other, for what she chooses - it has to be HER choice. 

The odd thing about this whole situation is that my DH and I will be TTC in about 6 months, and she's aware of this.  So she knows that as I am getting excited about getting pregnant and having a baby, she is dealing with the trauma of this decision and all that will come after it.  I know she does not begrudge me for having talked about pregnancy/baby related things in the past month or so (when she knew she was pregnant but hadn't told me yet), but now I just feel so terrible and awkward, like I"m almost not supposed to be excited?  It will be a hard topic to navigate for the next few months, and years even, since we are very close friends and I know I will want to be supportive to her and help her through the low moments as she deals with going thru this, but at the same time I know she'll want to be (or try to be) excited for me and DH.  I just don't ever want her to feel "guilty" if she can't muster up that excitement, if that makes sense? 

Anyway, sorry for the rambling...that previous paragrah was just me thinking/venting aloud I guess.  Thanks ladies for all your advice!

cheekywife

i'm really sorry that your friend has to make this decision. i think JKM's advice is perfect. i would definitely recommend the planned parenthood on 16th & L. they will be able to provide information and support. their website is another good resource. 

lots of good thoughts to your friend

smacb

My college roommate had an abortion.  She did what she thought was best at the time.  Her father was authoritarian and wouldn't have supported her.  She hadn't finished college.  THe baby's father skipped town when she told him the news.  Her mom took her to the procedure.  She stayed on the couch for a day or two.  The physical recovery was relatively easy.

Her emotional scars took years to heal.  Years later, I'd go out for a drink with her and she would start weeping about how she was a bad person for killing her baby.  The guilt really ate away at her.

The only piece of advice that I have is to be there for her down the road.  It might take her a long time to heal emotionally. 

mcatmay

As for how to talk to your friend about TTC, that's a tough one. I've been in a similar boat in that my best friend (read 'sister i never had') has had huge fertility issues for the past two years and it was 'easy' for me to conceive. She came out to see my DD, who is named after her, and it was VERY hard for her. The issues surrounding you two will be different, obviously, but nonetheless, they will be difficult. I think you should let her guide the conversations about TTC or your LO when you're pregnant. Be honest with her and tell her, "i won't really bring up this subject unless you want me to - it's not that i don't want to share it with you - i DO - but i don't want to hurt you. I also want you to tell me how much you want to hear about it and how much you don't". I did this with my friend and she told me it was very hard to deal with the whole pregnancy and my DD but, at the end of the day, she and I just keep an open line of conversation and she tells me honestly if it's too much... and i don't get upset if it IS too much. 

 Good luck - you sound like a great friend and she will need all the support that she can get, no matter what her decision is.