Anyone regret doing IVF?

bluefish63

I am totally going to preface this post by saying that I know I am a total @sshole for typing this...

I regret doing IVF. I know that most girls don't even have the opportunity to do IVF and I should be so happy and feel so blessed to be able to explore this as a way to make my baby but I am so miserable. I am in so much pain, so swollen and I am feeling so down. I am 3 days past ER and overstimulated and if I had to guess, my RE will probably freeze my embryos before my tentative ET on Wednesday (I'll find out for sure on Tuesday after I'm evaluated.) I despise myself for feeling this way - absolutely hate myself. In my mind right now, I just can't feel that the end justifies the means. Am I crazy and alone in feeling this way? To add insult to injury, my own mother hasn't even contacted me to see how I am doing. I have seen and heard from my MIL more than my own mother. Ugh. I just want to go to sleep for a really long time.

DesiraeSunshine

Im more pi$$ed that i have to go through it to have a baby. I don't regret it, I held my babies no matter how short it might have been.....that feeling (besides all the bad stuff) made it worth it to me.

arbutusbride

I guess it is hard on all of us and we all have different emotions about it and through it.  I think what you are feeling is totally natural and you shouldn't feel sorry about it.  

madelyn07

Honestly? I regret doing IVF. Maybe just because it didn't work, but maybe not.

I always said at the start of our journey that we wouldn't do IVF. I couldn't explain why, put my finger on it, etc., but I just didn't feel it was right for us. 

We dealt with many lengthy breaks due to DH's job (college coach, so he travels the majority of the time) and I got tired of the breaks. After a c/p from an IUI late last fall, I kind of freaked out and decided we needed to do IVF so that I would have frozen embryos to transfer during DH's travels so I could stop the ridiculous breaks. Well..the IVF didn't work, we didn't have any to freeze and I'm upset with myself for doing something I never felt comfortable with in the first place. 

I wish we would have just stopped after IUIs. I'd rather not have gone through IVF and the heartbreak that the BFN brought and finding out what we know now, that we only learned through IVF. I'd just rather not know all of that pain and disappointment. Even if it would have left me wondering "what if..". 

 

Ann679

I'm sorry that you are feeling so terrible.  I have had moments of anger and regret during the process also.  I think a lot of it was because of all the hormones we pump ourselves full of.  About two weeks after our BFN when I was finally back to myself and still wanting a baby the only thing I could think about was trying again.  So, for me, that feeling of "why did I put myself through this" went away.  I hate that we have to go through this!  Hang in there.  Hugs!

 

bluefish63

madelyn07:

Honestly? I regret doing IVF. Maybe just because it didn't work, but maybe not.

I always said at the start of our journey that we wouldn't do IVF. I couldn't explain why, put my finger on it, etc., but I just didn't feel it was right for us. 

We dealt with many lengthy breaks due to DH's job (college coach, so he travels the majority of the time) and I got tired of the breaks. After a c/p from an IUI late last fall, I kind of freaked out and decided we needed to do IVF so that I would have frozen embryos to transfer during DH's travels so I could stop the ridiculous breaks. Well..the IVF didn't work, we didn't have any to freeze and I'm upset with myself for doing something I never felt comfortable with in the first place. 

I wish we would have just stopped after IUIs. I'd rather not have gone through IVF and the heartbreak that the BFN brought and finding out what we know now, that we only learned through IVF. I'd just rather not know all of that pain and disappointment. Even if it would have left me wondering "what if..". 

 

You sound like me - I always said we wouldn't do IVF either (mostly because of the money and the uncertainty involved.) but then I was qualified for a clinical trial that covers the cost so here I am. I can totally understand where you're coming from. I guess I just need to hear confirmation that the potential end will justifies these horrible horrible means. I'm sorry to hear about your heartache.

bluefish63

Ann679:

I'm sorry that you are feeling so terrible.  I have had moments of anger and regret during the process also.  I think a lot of it was because of all the hormones we pump ourselves full of.  About two weeks after our BFN when I was finally back to myself and still wanting a baby the only thing I could think about was trying again.  So, for me, that feeling of "why did I put myself through this" went away.  I hate that we have to go through this!  Hang in there.  Hugs!

 

Thank you for understanding. I was almost afraid to post this today. I have been hoping that my constant tears over the past few days are attributable to the hormones and also from stopping my Zoloft because I hate thinking that I really do feel this way.

folligirl

Sorry you are feeling this way.  After 3 failed IUI's and 3 failed IVF's and now in the process of doing a FET on tuesday, I also feel the same way.  Can't say I regret doing IVF (we have a 4 yr. old from IVF) but I'm at the point that I can't take anymore.  This time around I am extremely sore from the PIO shots and extremely moody.  I do want to give up after this try but I also know how bad I want another baby.  Don't lose hope.

sarahtoledo

I think you need to forgive yourself for feeling the way you do.  You're just making it so much harder!  Feel your feelings -- you have every right to them.  

I always said we wouldn't do IVF, and now I find myself envious of those doing it.  IDK what that means, though.  We still plan to move on to adoption rather than doing IVF.  I can see myself regretting it.  

I hope you feel better soon and that you can let the guilty feelings go.  (((hugs))) 

Mrs.McIrish

I do not regret IVF. I would rather know I did everything I could versus regret later on that I wish I had tried it. At least now i know my eggs are just crap and I cannot control that. I don't think you should beat yourself up either way. Your hormones are sky high and affect how you feel right now. Plus I think your opinion will change if it actually works for you.

Reilly626

I dont think you regret it, maybe you are having a pity party you have to do it? Wow, after reading these posts Im really stressing about what I will be going through over Thanksgiving.. I thought an IUI made me an emotional bloated wreck, I feel sorry for my husband... but like McIrish said, you do what you have to do you if want a baby and try what is available to you.  Good luck to you and I hope you feel yourself soon.

Mitzi Bishi

This such an interesting discussion and I identify with what so many of you have said in more ways than one. 

Add me to the list of those that said they'd also never do IVF.

It was our only choice and honestly I felt like I kind of owed it to my husband. I know that's awful, but in dealing with his severe MFI I didn't want to be another person serving up defeat. The look on his face when he received his SA results was absolutely heartbreaking.

He's wanted a baby way before I ever considered it and sometimes I still think he wants this more than I do, but I also have anger about having to do this. Not towards him, but just in the energy, money, drugs, not having an end in sight etc. 

We are going through this now since it's paid 50% by insurance, but if this cycle isn't successful (and I have my doubts) we have one fresh cycle left.

I told him I'm not even considering it for another 4-6 months at least. I will be happy if we've done what we can while we're young and have insurance as opposed to wondering in 5+ years. I think he'd go until we had success, but that's way easier said than done. I hate to think I may have to serve up the defeat at some point. 

My issue with IVF is that even if we get a baby or singleton in my mind my family isn't complete. We've always wanted 2-3, so if I have to do this again? I just don't know if I can handle that. 

This is totally flameworthy, but my last cycle I also felt like people (my mom and DH) treated it like a bigger deal. This time I don't feel like I am getting the emotional support I want and it's more difficult, which may add to my feelings. 

aah1013

I get it. I don't feel so much regret, but guilt. It's weird. It's a feeling of almost shame... not sure if that's the right word. I hate feeling that I have to hide it from some people and not talk about it with others. Then I think about if I put my body through all of this and I get nothing out of it. It's hard to think about and cope with. The uncertainty is the worst. My feelings may change if I get that coveted BFP, but we'll see. I just feel like I've gone through sooooo much with my husband (car accident in 2009, resulting in 59 surgeries and a leg amputation) that I deserve better than this sucky situation I'm in. When is it my turn to have an easy life? 

Anyway, I get it and don't feel bad for feeling that way. 

pete2835

Definitely understand how you can feel this way. It is a lot of stress on your body...and mind. You cannot go backwards now. Take some deep breaths...and find a way to take care of you, but never feel bad for how you feel.

 

Sarah226

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy.  I hope you're just feeling down now because you're overstimulated and it will be worth it in the end for you. 

abvernon

I think it is honest to feel this way. Like so many others, two years ago, I always said we would never to do IVF (mostly b/c of $$$). Yet, here we are, saving for IVF and hopefully going through it by the summer or fall of 2012.

I remember after the BFN from my third IUI, I said I would never do injections. Yet, I did three rounds of that. 

Sarah226

aah1013:

I get it. I don't feel so much regret, but guilt. It's weird. It's a feeling of almost shame... not sure if that's the right word. I hate feeling that I have to hide it from some people and not talk about it with others. Then I think about if I put my body through all of this and I get nothing out of it. It's hard to think about and cope with. The uncertainty is the worst. My feelings may change if I get that coveted BFP, but we'll see.

I totally feel this way too.  I haven't told anyone except a few close friends about IVF, not b/c of privacy, but I guess shame or guilt.  I don't know what my issue with that is.  DH doesn't have this issue and has been pretty open (relative to me, anyway) with his coworkers, like when he's taken time off for ER and to take care of me on bedrest.

Why do we feel guilty about it?  It's kind of bullshht, but I can't help it.

AmCheri

Sarah226:

aah1013:

I get it. I don't feel so much regret, but guilt. It's weird. It's a feeling of almost shame... not sure if that's the right word. I hate feeling that I have to hide it from some people and not talk about it with others. Then I think about if I put my body through all of this and I get nothing out of it. It's hard to think about and cope with. The uncertainty is the worst. My feelings may change if I get that coveted BFP, but we'll see.

I totally feel this way too.  I haven't told anyone except a few close friends about IVF, not b/c of privacy, but I guess shame or guilt.  I don't know what my issue with that is.  DH doesn't have this issue and has been pretty open (relative to me, anyway) with his coworkers, like when he's taken time off for ER and to take care of me on bedrest.

Why do we feel guilty about it?  It's kind of bullshht, but I can't help it.

Ditto all of the above.  And I'll add to that some level of embarrassment.  Again, I can't explain it.

Bluefish, we know where you're coming from.  Even before your post today, I had a glimmer of this thought as I was struggling to even bend over and shave this morning because my belly is so bloated and painful.  I know how much we've spent for these two cycles and I can't help but think maybe our money would have been better spent starting an adoption process.  

Do we want to be parents?  Or do we just want to have our biological children?  I know my answer -- now -- but it's taken time to come to that realization.  With that said, I can't regret trying IVF because we would have always wondered "what if."  And I don't want to disappoint my husband who wants this even more than I do -- talk about an embarrassing comment  To be completely honest, my motivation in this is to make my husband the happiest man on the planet.  My inability to do that is making me feel extremely guilty.  Ahhh. Crap.  This is upsetting.  But I think they're all natural feelings and none of us should be ashamed for having them.

The other reason I don't regret IVF -- we have had our share of struggles.  Most recently, we lost my husband's father far too early in life after a protracted battle with cancer.  This is why we waited to start ttc.  He was sick for many years and then even after he died, for a while, we couldn't even talk about ttc.  My FIL was my husband's best friend.  It was just too much.  Then, when we were finally ready, what happens?  We learn I have DOR.  But, I love who we are together and everything we've endured has made us stronger.  I believe this will too, and for that, I can never have regret.

 

 

Mayan2011

Hey Sweets!  I don't regret doing IVF at all and it has brought us some major disappointments and emotions that I never wanted to feel.  I had no idea how emotionally devastating I would feel when I got a BFN from IVF1 or had to have 2 D&Cs b/c of IVF2, yet I am on the road to IVF3. 

IVF is an emotional roller coaster that is for sure.  I do have a feeling though, that if you get a sticky BFP you might not regret your choice to proceed with IVF.  Not to take away from your feelings right now, but remember that you are pumped full of hormones and that brings sooo many emotions to the forefront.  You will feel better (physically and emotionally) and I am REALLY sorry that you are second guessing everything right now and having a tough time.

As for your mom, maybe she doesn't know what to say so she is taking the route of saying nothing at all.  I am sure that you are in her thoughts, even though she hasn't called you.  IF does funny things - to us and those around us.  Often others don't know how to 'treat' us because everything seems so foreign to them.

BIG ((hugs))

XV11Star

I had OHSS and a terrible infection after IUIoneandonly... and I remember how horribly horrible I felt. I was so sick that I will never forget it, and I thought - if there is ANY chance of me feeling this way EVER again, I won't do it!   IVF was NOT an option due to the financial aspect, the risk of getting anywhere near that sick again, and the emotional aspect.  Yet, here I am... just finished IVF1...

During the discussion and decision process of coming to terms with doing IVF, I realized I wanted to do everything I could ~ if it meant there was no BFP at the end, at least I could say I really, really tried. 

My mom is not supportive, calling or checking in on me and stuff like that.  It's always been that way and that's a whole other story and probably another board as well... but I've come to terms with that (thank you, therapy) so now there is not the same disappointment attached to it.  And I am fortunate to have loving support from other family members.  But I really do understand how crappy it can make you feel, alone, sad and bitter... it adds to the "why me?" emotions around IF in a lovely way.  (NOT!)

This whole entire process is just a crazy rollercoaster!  Guilt is a judgment... so figure out what you are judging yourself for.  Then decide if that is really true.  For example -  You say...  "I feel so shitty that I wonder if it's worth the effort to even have a baby."  Then you feel guilty for saying that.  You wonder if you are judging yourself to mean that you don't really want a baby this bad and are selfish.  Now ask yourself if this is true?  Are you really selfish??  It's highly unlikely!  After all, you have given yourself injections for days on end, endured endless bloodwork draws, invasive ultrasounds, time out of your schedule almost daily for this... in order to create a life to love and care for, and make your hubby happy.  NO ONE wants to or deserves to feel sick and shitty for something that may or may not work and that other couples simply need to just have sex to obtain!!   You certainly should not feel bad about wishing things were different for you.  So don't own the guilt -- with the judgment attached to it.  Just acknowledge your feelings, figure out what they really mean, and be loving and kind to yourself.  Adding crazy hormonal fluctuations and going off meds to the whole mix just makes it that much more challenging to navigate.

I apologize if any of the above came off as preachy or if I am off base here.  I just feel sad that you're feeling so badly, and I want to give you a hug!  (and I am not usually a huggy person IRL ;-))

I truly hope you feel better soon!

illinigal

I have never regretted doing IVF.  I hope our next round of IVF brings us our take home baby/ies.  If not, I told Dh I'd do it 20 times if we could afford it and he'd let me.

bandwife928

I felt really awful after ER and I distinctly remember thinking, "what in the he!! have I gotten myself into?" and wondering if I was crazy for putting all our money into one gamble at a baby.  We had agreed that for financial and sanity reasons we would only pursue one fresh cycle and I was terrified that the feeling of crazy emotions and the physical pain after ER would be what I would remember when I looked back on the experience.  Instead, what I remember is that I went to hell and back trying to get my baby.  I put myself through an emotional and physical nightmare trying to to what we should all be able to do naturally.  I wondered while I was going through it if I would have regrets and I don't. 

Perhaps hindsight in my case is influenced by the fact that we ended up with frosties and will get to try FETs so the fact that I don't ever have to go through a fresh cycle again is a good thing and not the end of the line.

Good luck and hang in there! 

Mayan2011

illinigal:

I have never regretted doing IVF.  I hope our next round of IVF brings us our take home baby/ies.  If not, I told Dh I'd do it 20 times if we could afford it and he'd let me.

Crispity

Thank you for posting this. I haven't heard anyone express this before, and it has been good to see other people's experiences and thoughts.

I often regret going to IVF rather than giving injectables more of a chance. We moved to IVF as soon as insurance would cover it, which for us was after our first injectable IUI (though we had 6 IUIs total). We had been TTC for 2 years at that point, I was exhausted, and I just wanted to go with the option that had the greatest chance of success.

My RE supported our decision but said that the IVF was "elective" for us - he would have been ok continuing the IUI's for a few more cycles if that's what we had chosen. My thought at the time was that we could do IVF for this first baby, and then immediately start with medicated IUIs when we were ready for a second. Since I've been pregnant twice before (once natural, once by clomid IUI, both miscarriages), I felt like I had a decent chance of being able to get pregnant with IUIs in the future, and maybe even with a "surprise" baby.

Well, the IVF resulted in an ectopic pregnancy, and I lost my left tube in emergency surgery. So, whatever chance I had of getting pregnant without IVF was drastically reduced, and if I do manage to get pregnant through sex or IUI, my risk of ectopic pregancy has greatly increased. I know that I could have had an ectopic pregnancy if I hadn't done IVF, but IVF was my only risk factor for ectopic. So, I feel like I made a decision that further and permanently damaged my already defective fertility.

I am currently in IVF number 2, and I won't regret doing this one, but only because I feel like IVF #1 made it so that IVF is now our only option. 

blueberries8

Mitzi Bishi:

This is totally flameworthy, but my last cycle I also felt like people (my mom and DH) treated it like a bigger deal. This time I don't feel like I am getting the emotional support I want and it's more difficult, which may add to my feelings. 

Not flameworthy at all...I feel the same way. This cycle no one has called once to ask how it is going or how I am doing and I have been alone so far this whole cycle with DH abroad. My first IVF, my mom called a lot and asked a lot of questions and my MIL called constantly, both to the point of bugging me a little. They also called quite a bit during my FETs. This time around I haven't heard from either of them (MIL has been with SIL and her DH helping them with my new niece born a few weeks ago, so I am sure that is part of it). It's sad - earlier in the process, when I was more negative, everyone had so much hope for me; now that I am finally feeling a little more positive, it seems no one else cares anymore/expects it to work.

blueberries8

dup

krismott25

No you are not alone!!! I went through 2 ivf cycles and was overstimulated both times. I was miserable. M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. after the second time i swore of ivf for ever. but i have a very steadfast and supportive husband. he listen to me for months about how i never wanted to go through with this again. even went to adoption meetings with me. knowing all the while I will come back around. Now i'm gearing up for #3 i'm less than ecstatic about it to say the least but the thought of feeling a little kick me from the inside is what keeps me going. to be able to look into the face of a child that looks like me or my husband is definetly worth this. Mothers will do anything for their children....we IVFers just get to start early! And if you choose not to go through with again that's ok too. You know whats best for your family. Trust yourself!

mtlaurel

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think some form of regret during tough times in the process are normal.

I had no regrets with our first cycle, but I sort of regret our second. I wish we had taken more time to go through the process we're going through now - grieving, researching and considering other options. But, I know that if we had gotten a BFP, I wouldn't feel this way at all. And, I suspect, if you get a BFP from this cycle (even if transfer is delayed) your feelings of regret will also dissipate. Feel better.

Proud adoptive mom 6.11.09

This is exactly how I feel. We are in the midst of IVF # 2 and we did not freeze the first time because we knew we could not afford. Well IVF # 1 one did not work and we were set on going through adoption. We already have one adopted son. Then through some unforeseen circumstances we were told that insurance would cover us for one more time so than we thought lets go for it because if this cycle is not it for us than we know we tried everything we could to have a baby of our own but we know that it is very possible that our baby may have to grow in our hearts again and not in my tummy and we are okay with that. I do not want to look back in ten years and say I wish I would have done it again and then leave with the regret of what might have been. Good luck on your up coming beta.