New to this board...

mrsnapaluch

We found out we were pregnant after failed birth control (expired) and we scared but fell in love with the idea of being parents. Everything in early pregnancy was wonderful: no morning sickness, heartburn, pain, ect.

At 18 weeks I had a gallbladder attack due to gallstones. At 21 weeks I was placed in the hospital for an emergency cerclage due to an incompetent cervix. The doctor decided to not do the cerclage due to the possibility of early labor. After one week in the hospital I got to go home. Two days later, I went in for a doctors appointment and membranes were visible, I was dilated 1cm and cervix was severely shortened. I was placed on bedrest in the hospital for 9 weeks. I was released from the hospital at 30 weeks with no problems other than GD. At the beginning I was in the hospital I was told if my baby was born he wouldn't make it. By the time I was released we knew that even if he had problems he would at least survive with the help of the NICU.

At 32 weeks (10-24-11) at 6AM I felt my baby kicking and had mild pains. I called the hospital and was told to come in when I was having more signs of pre-term labor since it was very common for me to have several contractions close together before having them stop completely. I went into the hospital at 8AM and went directly to labor triage and they couldn't find a heartbeat. They did an ultrasound and brought in radiography to confirm. Laying in bed waiting for an epidural so I could deliver my baby made me want to die. At 11:49AM I delivered the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. He was 4lbs 9oz and 18in. I was able to hold my still-born son, but my husband couldn't hold him (emotionally). We got preliminary results back on the autopsy and absolutely nothing was wrong with him. 

After all of our problems everyone knew that we were going to bring home a  baby even if he was stuck in the hospital for a while. All of his things are all over our house. His room is set up. My fantasy football teams name is Avery'sMom. 

At first I had to pretend I was going to hear him cry so that I could make myself deliver. Everyday from Monday to Friday I could still pretend I was pregnant because I didn't have a baby in my house. Friday we buried our baby and I can't pretend anymore.

I know it isn't right but every pregnant woman I see I hate her and I am super jealous of her. Even worse (and I feel so horrible telling anyone this) but I want her to not have her baby either. I don't want anyone to be happy. I don't want the sun to shine or the birds to chirp. I want the trees to die and the oil tankers to explode and pollute everything beautiful because I don't want to see beauty anywhere. It's not fair.

 Whats worse is that it hurts all the time, then little things happen that are almost too much to bear. I hate seeing everyone facebook babies, and infant photos, and baby things, and avery's things in our house. I can't even go into his room. I almost lost it when I saw my days left on this site or when I hard my friends baby crying over the phone and thought that my house should sound like that. 

After all the hospital stay and everything we are severely in debt an behind on every bill possible and I just knew that it was all going to be worth it. Knowing that I feel so bad wanting another baby. I would never try to replace my son. I am a mother even if he isn't here with me, but I feel cheated and I really just want to hold my baby and take care of him. 

I appreciate everyone telling me they are sorry and all, but if one more person tells me that we are only given what we can bear or anything similar to that I am going to stab them in the eye.

Last but certainly not least, I want to thank anyone who has read my jumble, it very much helped to write it. I also want to tell you that I am so very sorry you have to be on this board too. I wish this board didn't have to exist and that all mommies and daddies could have their babies come home with them always.

 

 

DesiraeSunshine

Every single thing you said is a normal reaction and all too familiar to me. I don't know why this happens to us, but it really fVcking sucks. Im sorry.

hewinked

I could related to every single thing you said.  Especially when people say things like we are only given what we can bear.  Well, we don't wanna bear this, and we shouldn't have to.  It sucks so much.  I'm truly sorry for your loss.  I hope you find some comfort here.  (((hugs)))

lovemymaddy

I am so, so sorry for your loss of Avery. Believe me, I have felt everything that you have described above. Don't feel bad for any of it. It's all normal. This whole experience is such a roller coaster of emotions. For right now, just take everything minute by minute if you have to. We're here for you.

SockMonkeySam

I am sorry for your loss. Everything you said is normal. My son and daughter have the sane name as your son. ((hugs))

krysiahamaty

Everything you felt and every way you reacted is completely normal and I felt and still feel the same way. I hate HATE HATE (I can't say that word enough) that we are on this board but welcome. I am so so sorry for your loss. 

pb127

Your story is heartbreaking. I hope you'll find some comfort here (((hugs)))

And don't worry, we are the last people to tell you that you are "only given what you can bear" and all of those other awful things people say trying to "help". I remember feeling (and still feel at times) what you've written, and I feel like it's normal and it's okay to feel these things. Why shouldn't we? Big ((hugs)) and welcome here.

Auki13

I am so so sorry for you loss.  I know it doesn't help but I truly am.  It sucks so much to be a part of this group, but it has honestly helped me so much to be able to connect with other moms who feel the same things I do.  Your pain is so raw and fresh and I just want to say that it does get better.  I'm sure you've heard that before, but we who have experienced your pain can testify to that fact.  I hope you find some comfort here and we all welcome you with huge (((hugs))).

 

Carolee

Big (((HUGS))).  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can say that I've had those same feelings (and still do).  It's so unfair that we all have to be here.

mdluv21

We have all had those same feelings.  I know the words don't help but I am so very sorry for your loss.

My daughter's name was Avery.  ((hugs))
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[Deleted User]

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Mjmksb04

I am so sorry for your loss. As others mentioned, everything you are feeling is completely  normal. There is nothing any of us can say to lessen the pain, but just know that you are not alone.

dandywarhol

My heart breaks for you, and for everyone else on this board.  No one, not even my worst enemy, should have to experience this pain and this grief.  No one should have to bear anything close to what we are feeling.  You were not a bad person, this is not a test to see how strong you are.  F@ck anyone who doens't have the compassion to know that you are hurting, and hurt you should.  You are a mother who lost her baby; who did her best to protect the flesh of her flesh, the blood of her blood.  The rest of the world can suck it.

Cercamom2011

I'm so sorry about the loss of Avery.  Like many PPs said those feelings are  normal.  Grieving is definitely a process, so take as long as you need.  Don't feel like you are alone, and I'm glad you found this board.  It helped me to know there are women with similar experiences (although it totally sucks that any of us are on this board in the first place).  (((HUGS)))

mrsnapaluch

Thanks a bunch mommies. Love and hugs coming to you all!