How to set boundaries with in laws???

Cjohn1211

DH has a big and very close family. They are wonderful people who LOVE lo to pieces. We spend every Sunday over MILs house and they are typically at our house 1-2 times a week. This has been this way since I met DH 8 years ago so I am tyipcally fine with it but since I have gone back to work I feel like all of our free time is spent with them.

Me, hubby and LO spend very little family time together and it is starting to bother me. Now that we pretty much only have weekends together I resent having to spend 50%+ of it with them. To make matters worse SIL can never make it to Sunday dinner and allllwwwaaayyyssss asks to come over during the week. Count that up folks - that is 3-4 days with my in laws each week. It's a lot. On Weds SIL asked if she could come over and I told her all about how stressed me and DH are, how we are fighting a lot and really need to start saving some time for us to just be a family. She said she completely understood but texted DH an hour ago asking to come by tonight. I feel like they don't respect my wishes or the fact that we need time as a family without them.

I feel bad telling them they cannot come by to see LO but if I don't draw the line somewhere they will be here everyday. DH is no help, he is a mamas boy and cannot say no to any of them. How do I manage this without coming across as a beast? Stresssssed.....

DramaMama06

can you turn it to your advantage? maybe take on of those weeknights and have them watch LO while you and DH go out and spend some time together?

germanpickle

Please carve out time with your family - and that is you, your husband, and your LO. My mother failed to do this and we are taking our first ever family vacation next year.Yup, you read that right. I'm 30, my brother is 25, and my sister is 23 and we have NEVER taken a vacation alone with our mom. That makes me sad because I don't have any memories of us relaxing together, alone.

The thing that makes me the saddest is that when my grandfather died my mom finally realized that we have no family traditions of just us so suddenly there was nothing to hold us together on a ritualized basis. Thus, the first ever family vacation. Of course we are family and will be there for each other - but we really missed something crucial growing up.

It could be as simple as one weekend a month alone. Or one weekend with the ILs every month. Or one evening a week that belongs to you and you alone. Together you will figure it out but please respect that your want is a NEED for your family. And your family is you, your husband, and your children. 

Cjohn1211

DramaMama06:

can you turn it to your advantage? maybe take on of those weeknights and have them watch LO while you and DH go out and spend some time together?

That is a good idea and I certainly could but that doesn't really solve the boundary problem.

DowagerCountessofNJ

This isn't so much a problem with your in-laws but with your husband.  You need to sit down with your husband and come to an agreement about how much time you spend as an immediate family (you, H and LO) and how much time you spend with extended family (your family and his family).  Once you agree on that, your husband needs to enforce the new limits with his family.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "tonight is not a good night" and leaving it at that.  If SIL or whoever doesn't respect that and runs to DH they have to hear the same thing from him.

FordFalcor

DramaMama06:

can you turn it to your advantage? maybe take on of those weeknights and have them watch LO while you and DH go out and spend some time together?

This or tell them in advance (maybe Sunday) that you have plans and won't be available during the week. Then consider it your much needed family time and don't answer the phone if they call. AND don't feel guilty about it.

Cjohn1211

ntrick:

Please carve out time with your family - and that is you, your husband, and your LO. My mother failed to do this and we are taking our first ever family vacation next year.Yup, you read that right. I'm 30, my brother is 25, and my sister is 23 and we have NEVER taken a vacation alone with our mom. That makes me sad because I don't have any memories of us relaxing together, alone.

The thing that makes me the saddest is that when my grandfather died my mom finally realized that we have no family traditions of just us so suddenly there was nothing to hold us together on a ritualized basis. Thus, the first ever family vacation. Of course we are family and will be there for each other - but we really missed something crucial growing up.

It could be as simple as one weekend a month alone. Or one weekend with the ILs every month. Or one evening a week that belongs to you and you alone. Together you will figure it out but please respect that your want is a NEED for your family. And your family is you, your husband, and your children. 

Wow, that is sad! I really can't let this be us. Thank you for your advice.

Kymbirleigh

Sgt M's Wife:

This isn't so much a problem with your in-laws but with your husband.  You need to sit down with your husband and come to an agreement about how much time you spend as an immediate family (you, H and LO) and how much time you spend with extended family (your family and his family).  Once you agree on that, your husband needs to enforce the new limits with his family.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "tonight is not a good night" and leaving it at that.  If SIL or whoever doesn't respect that and runs to DH they have to hear the same thing from him.

This. 

DH is the same way. He's one of seven kids. His oldest brother has four kids, and his oldest sister has one and one on the way. So when we get together it's massive and it's overwhelming.... And it was frequent until I put my foot down. My SIL has been driving us crazy about family vacations. She wants the entire family to take an annual summer vacation.  I put my foot down and said no. I won't spend that much money every year. And I would like to take a vacation with my parents every now and then too.

It took me awhile, but after some serious heart to hearts with DH he understands that we need our family time, too.

SarahP15

Sgt M's Wife:

This isn't so much a problem with your in-laws but with your husband.  You need to sit down with your husband and come to an agreement about how much time you spend as an immediate family (you, H and LO) and how much time you spend with extended family (your family and his family).  Once you agree on that, your husband needs to enforce the new limits with his family.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "tonight is not a good night" and leaving it at that.  If SIL or whoever doesn't respect that and runs to DH they have to hear the same thing from him.

This. 

SarahP15

Sgt M's Wife:

This isn't so much a problem with your in-laws but with your husband.  You need to sit down with your husband and come to an agreement about how much time you spend as an immediate family (you, H and LO) and how much time you spend with extended family (your family and his family).  Once you agree on that, your husband needs to enforce the new limits with his family.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "tonight is not a good night" and leaving it at that.  If SIL or whoever doesn't respect that and runs to DH they have to hear the same thing from him.

This. 

DreamChaser246

SarahP15:

Sgt M's Wife:

This isn't so much a problem with your in-laws but with your husband.  You need to sit down with your husband and come to an agreement about how much time you spend as an immediate family (you, H and LO) and how much time you spend with extended family (your family and his family).  Once you agree on that, your husband needs to enforce the new limits with his family.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "tonight is not a good night" and leaving it at that.  If SIL or whoever doesn't respect that and runs to DH they have to hear the same thing from him.

This. 

another this. when dh and I are on the same page and draw the line at "tonight is not a good night" it works so much better.

DH knows that when I draw the line and say, gee I'm really not up for it tonight, he knows that his family is going to push back for another night anyways, so we make sure that when we do things we are actually up for them.

His parents/family push us so far that we actually have to say, "gee we already have other plans". They simply won't take no for an answer, it is hard but there are ongoing communication issues and issues where part of his family thinks that we do nothing and can rearrange our schedule to meet their busy lives. They still haven't learned that a no is a no, but eventually we'll get it. The most important part is that DH and I are on the same page, and the same broken record.