Adoption
Options
Does/did anyone else have this fear?
I am very new to the whole adoption process. My hubby and I have not attended the required classes yet as they do not begin until January. I guess one of my biggest fears would be that once my child is older and knows that he/she is adopted, will they want to be with their birth family instead of us? I know of one adopted child that I work with who is 12 years and she is really going through a lot of emotional stuff due to being adopted and not knowing who her mother is or why she gave her up. Her adoptive mother adopted her from another country. She is really mean and disrespectful to her mother as well. Another student of mine (I am a school counselor) who is adopted, really loves his mother but sometimes out of anger will say "your not my real mom." Can anyone with older adopted kids tell me about your experience with this? I am hoping this is something that will be talked about in our classes too.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Does/did anyone else have this fear?
I'm an adult adoptee. My adoption was closed and I didn't really know anything about my first family until I found them when I was 17.
I used to want to be with my biological family instead. I used to think about it most when I got in trouble at home or wasn't allowed to do something fun that I wanted to do. I didn't actually want to go live with my but since I didn't know anyting about them they could be whatever I wanted them to be. They could be fun parents who didn't give me a bedtime, make me clean my room, or do my homework. What child wouldn't want to live with parents like that instead of ones with rules kwim?
I did also say to my mom "your not my real mom". It was hurtful and I knew it so that's why I said it. I was mad about something stupid. It doesn't mean I ment it. Kids who aren't adopted say hurtful things to their parents too. How many times have you heard a child say to their parents "I hate you"? Adoption just provides a different hurtful phrase to say.
Being adopt and having adopted, I also echo what PP said. However, my parents never worded my adoption as my birth mother gave me away. My parents said that wasn't able to take care of me, so she wanted to help me find a family that could and would love me just as much as she did. Cheesy yes, but it sure didn't have me wondering why I was given away. A lot of it is how you tell your child about adoption. I don't recall NOT knowing I was adopted.
I think every adoptive parent will experience certain behaviors from their kid and wonder if that's normal behavior or reaction to their being adopted.
If it's not addressed in your classes, ask about it.
ETA: This has actually been rattling around in my head in recent days, especially because DD has no relationship with her BF (we have a semi-open arrangement with her BM). At some point we're likely going to consult with a counselor to see how we should handle her feelings about him in particular. On the one hand I don't want her to feel like she's unloveable, but on the other hand I don't want her putting him on an unrealistic pedestal.
I agree with the pps that some of it is how it's explained to the child by their adoptive families.
I might be naive but I don't really worry about this. I remember being a teenager and telling my mother "I wish I was adopted," so I consider it a pretty normal teenage thing. My two bio-sons have also told me on numerous occasions that they hate me when they don't get their way about something. My 7 year old has grown out of it but the 4 year old is right in the middle of that stage. It doesn't hurt my feelings. I expected it and I find it really entertaining how frusterated they get with me when I consistently respond "Well I still love you." DS2 response it "Mom you're not supposed to love me when I'm mad at you!"
We're adopting older children from foster care so our situation is a little different. What I worry about is when they're adults and they meet their birth parents that their birthparents will try to take advantage of them. I've seen it happen with my DH so its a big worry for me.
My DH's mother's family is awlful. They wrote him off at 14 when his mom died. Before that they told him that he'd never amount to anything and he'd be a loser all his life. He had no contact with them until his Grandma died. His grandma was wonderful and kept in contact with him. He is by far the most sucessful person in the family, so now the only time they talk to him is when they want something. He got taken in for a few years because he was so excited to have that side of the family again. It really hurt him when he relized that they had no interest outside of what he could do for them and in their minds him being successful was just luck.
I'm terrified the same thing will happen to the girls. Their entire birth family, with the exception of one family member, are complete losers. I'm worried that they'll try to take advantage of the girls when they're adults. My husband pointed out though that he's been there so he thinks he can help them through it.
Mommy to DS#1 7/1/04 and DS#2 6/15/07
M/C 2/16/10 at 9wks 5 days~ D&C 2/18/10
BFP#4 5/17/11 C/P.
BFP#5 11/30/12 Surprise! DS#3 born 7/29/13
If you want to adopt, these are definitely things you'll have to prepare yourself for. My husband and I made sure we'd be able to deal with it if our child ever threw out "you're not my real mom/dad" at us, and it's a good thing we did. We adopted him in July 2010, at age 7, and if I had a dollar for every time he told me that or that I don't love him, he'd have a very generous start to his college fund. Sometimes, it's said in anger or frustration, and sometimes it's a way for him to start opening up about his past (he lived with his mother and brother on-and-off for several years).
When you adopt, you have to accept that you aren't your child's only family, as much as it may see that you are. I thought that by adopting internationally, we'd avoid many of the issues surrounding openness that families of domestic adoption struggle with. Instead, my son's situation is more like that of a child who was in foster care; he has memories of his family, he loves them and misses them. When he thinks about what it would be like to live with them, they are not some creation of his imagination, but real people. The adage is true and distance does make the heart grow fonder. My son's memories of his birth family are more idealized versions of the truth, but not so much that he doesn't know why he couldn't live with them any longer. He doesn't want to leave us to live with his biological mother in Peru, but he wishes she were able to live with us together in the US. He knows that she can't take care of him, but I think he wishes we could take care of her.
The thing is, if I knew any of this before we met my son I would probably have bolted for a much more secure, closed adoption scenario. But knowing him makes it something I can deal with. I know what he's lived through, and can understand his loving his mother unconditionally. I know that he misses her and wishes he could make her safe. And all that makes me love him more. All that makes him the wonderful, loving, brave, and resilient person he is.
The relationships that come through adoption are, in most cases, no means clear-cut or neat, but they can be truly wonderful and amazing. It can be scary, and it can hurt, but if you get to that point, you're likely going to already be so far in love that you'll see it as what it is--a child hurting for what he lost in life--and you'll be able to cope with it as it comes.
I believe that being open and honest with your child makes all the difference in how (s)he handles and processes these emotions and if they are able to form positive relationships as adults. It's critical to let your child know that (s)he can talk to you about their past and biological family, and for them to feel that you are receptive and not hurt by it. This not only takes the sting out of the adolescent's trying to hurt you ("you're not my real mom"), but also will help them address the residual feelings about their adoption as they grow (most kids need to reexamine this at various stages throughout life).
I said a heck of a lot worse to my mom! I figure we have a bit of a advantage because we are prepared for what they might say.
But yes it is a real fear of mine too...
br
I'm not worried it will happen, I'm just worried I will react inappropriately. I hope that I will be calm if the situation presents itself, and I hope that I will know where it comes from (not anywhere deep inside her, but as a reaction to not getting something she wants).
I really don't worry about her wanting to go live with her birth family, I guess because she would have a rough life were she to do that. I'm not sure any child would will herself into that situation.