let's have a SAHM discussion

EmmieB

my mom - who was never a SAHM mom because she was a single mom - made a comment to me as I was leaving Dallas to come home: "Thank [your husband] for letting you come out and visit us...he could have said no."

I would write it off as a one-time poorly worded supposed to be funny "Thank him for letting us borrow you" kind of thing but it's not the first time she's made allusions to him giving me permission to spend our money.

Husband sees it as our money. He has since before we were married. Our expenses, our bills, our disposable income, our money. The only money that he feels is "his" or "mine" is our weekly allowance (which we use for things like lunch out or the movies or funny socks or whatever.)

Most of the time I agree with him.

But every now and again...

how do you keep from feeling like an indentured servant...aside from looking up the "if we hired someone to take care of the kid, clean the house, run the errands, do the cooking" stuff on the interwebs?

I recognize that this is fully my issue. And that my mom's stupid little comments shouldn't bother me...but I'm the *only* SAHM in my entire family...and our family is not small.

Discuss. 

kittylove

I struggle with this from time to time too, dispite DH being much like yours and feels like it is our money not his. I know what compounds this issue is that the money from my side job (one Saturday a month) is my money and I get to use it however I want. I have a hard time balancing that with his money being ours. It just feels... odd to call his ours and mine mine. Like maybe he doesn't view his money as really our money. But I know that is my inner demons making me feel that way.

Celyn

DH also is quite comfortable insisting that the money he makes is ours and is shared as a family.  In my mom's day, she was considered a SAHM, although she did accounting for a few companies from home, had several kids that she babysat fulltime, and took in all kinds of piece work.  Probably because of that, I have a really hard time contributing nothing financially, so I find things I can do to bring in a little extra, cover tuition and things like that.  He kind of scoffs at my etsy shop, but it's a win win for me.  It gives me something I can do that isn't housework or child rearing, and it makes a little money too. 

NorcalLinds

As much as I love staying at home, it is so hard for me to not loose my independance. I have found in order to make me happy, I need something that is just for ME. I took a side job this summer, made a little extra money. And recently I have started to purse my love for fitness by becoming an instructor. 

I do have a hard time with him making the money, and me not feeling like its our money. That's not my husbands doing though.  

rach10782

In terms of the money my husband is very generous and has never made me feel like it's not both of ours.  However, we are both very budget conscious and probably don't put more than $100 (with the exception of grocery store, costco, etc) on a credit card without discussing it first.

On a separate note I do feel guilty sometimes that I get to stay home and my husband busts his a** at work.  He loves spending time with our son and it breaks my heart when he says goodbye to him in the morning and I know he won't see him again until the following morning.    

mrscerruti2be

Ughhh, this is such an icky subject for me.  I struggle daily with these feelings.  My mother was a SAHM for awhile and started a part time job when I was young because she wanted to buy my father gifts with her own money.  That job turned into a full time job.  She loved having the extra money to spoil us mostly.  Honestly, I think it was for her mental health.  Unlike me though, my mother has no problem with saying his money is her money.  My mil was in a similiar situation and also has no problem with the money thing.

 I partly think it is generational and partly feel like my feelings are attributed to me being an independent adult for so long(married at 33.)  While I don't think my husband "lets" me do anything, there is a feeling of being a 50's housewife.  Well without the cooking and cleaning most days.  

 The grass is always greener, I tell ya.

thatgirl84

I have a huge huge problem with our money v his money...yadda yadda

I have lived it. I entered a happy relationship, and it was everything shared for 3.5 years. I began, well, sucking after that. It, little by little, got worse! Our situations changed. He went to grad school and only worked on day a week. I worked full time. As the relationship headed toward divorce, he pushed his "weight" around. Threatening that he would get alimony from me, and that I wouldn't get any profit from selling our home. Prior to that I was out of work (working temp here and there), and every was his his his.

Now I am in a fairly new relationship (almost 2 yrs). My DH is good 90% of the time, but when push comes to shove it's *his computer *his house b/c he pays the rent *his car (I hate his car, but he points this out) *his his his. Nevermind that I take care of LO allll the time. I don't even get daily showers anymore. I'm either taking care of LO, doing laundry, cleaning or cooking. I mess around on TB, but only when LO sleeps. That is my only downtime. When you fight is when their true feelings come out...

B/c of my past I am inclined to want my own money. I can have my own car, my own laptop, my own whatever I want/need. I don't have to ask if I can order something or even when I need to run and get baby supplies...ugh

I don't trust men on any level at all. I don't think this will change any time soon. I have a very basic need to have my own things bought with my own money. If DH doesn't want a daycare of raise our child, then he should stop be an asshat

emeraldwednesda

I'm so glad someone brought this up. Like MrsCerruti, I was married at 33 and was on my own for a long time before getting together with my DH. It's really hard for me to feel like the $ is equally ours when he's the only one earning any. And he *says* he thinks of it as ours, but then, he always has an opinion about my credit card bill- it's too high, or I did a good job. It's maddening and I have to keep telling him how I feel about his comments. I've been thinking of trying to find a side job just to have a lil $ I can spend on frivolous little things without feeling like he needs to be consulted- but then, if his salary is ours, wouldn't it be fair for mine to be, also? There's no easy answer to this issue; at least, I haven't found one.

It does NOT help that money is never just money to most of us. It's power, or security, or status, or a burden, etc or some combination of those things.

SarahCee

I hear ya, Emmie. My mom was a single mom too and worked her butt off to support 2 kids and run a house on her own. My entire life she's made snarky comments about SAHMs (eating bon-bons and watching soaps). She'll still make comments about my SIL, who soes some work from home, and I have to remind her that I am a SAHM and it's not easy.

I struggle at times with spending money, i.e. my stroller CW. I was just wondering to myself the other day if I was working, would I still have a problem with just buying the stupid stroller. DH is good, for the most part, about not giving me a hard time about spending money. There are times when he might make a comment about things, but he knows that I tend to go through phases of spending and phases of being frugal. Since he's been trying to work less OT lately and be home more to help me out, I think he's really realizing that SAH is not an easy "job".  DH and I both check in from time to time about how we feel the other is doing and if there are some changes that need to be made. Sometimes that convo is about money, sometimes it's about housework, sometimes it's about going out to dinner.

Like MrsC said, the grass is always greener. I hear plenty of working moms say how they could never be a SAHM and vice versa....

altreu

I definitely struggle with not being a financial participant in the household. I also got married a little later (31), and had a very long time of being fiscally independent. So it's been a very challenging transition for me. I often feel like even though I am doing 99% of the housework (forget about the fact that I do almost all of the child raising due to DH's long hours), that I'm not contributing. I am pretty sure it's just me, but it's hard. 

jsugrin

I guess I'm in the minority but I don't have any issues about *his* or *our* money at all.  Growing up my dad was like a PP's DH (how is that for some acronyms's ) except he went to the extreme of saying constantly "He who has the money has the gold" and the gold was power, control ect.  My mom worked her ass off at home with us and worked part-time at Sa.feway from the time I was 6 until around 11 or so when she fell in a walk in freezer and smashed her back to hell.

I guess because of the massive issues I saw regarding money and control as a child it was something that was in the forefront in my discussions when relationships got serious.  I would date an ugly guy, or short guy, or hell if a short di.cked guy but not a guy who was not 1000% supportive of my being a SAHM when kiddos were small and who wasn't supportive of sharing the money.

There are a couple of things that I think also help, 1. I had a very large savings when I met DH and most of our house downpayment came from that and 2. When I was working I made significantly more money than he did  and 3. in addition to working my ass of with the kids I'm kicking cancer's ass on a daily basis so he knows that I have more, way more on my plate than he does.

soon2Bkranz

So it seems t me like much of how we feel is shaped by how we were raised...in particular our moms.Mine worked full time as a lawyer and actually made partner..which 20 yrs ago was quite a feat. 

So for me I do ask Tony before I spend money on things for me. He always says I don't need to ask but for me it feels like a sign of respect for all he does for us.

I am obviously outspoken and a strong woman...but I am also very traditional... 

KellyMRocks

DH and I pretty much became adults together. When we first lived together it was at his mom's house. I was homeless, he still lived at home. We moved out of his moms house to where we live now and started a business together and worked together making equal money until we closed our first business and started working on second separate businesses. (woah run on...)

 I do make money, but not nearly as much as he does. But then, I'm with the baby 24/7 and he is gone most of the time. If I were to enter the work force with a 9-5 type job, any job I would be qualified for would likely only cover day care. What is the sense in that? I do a hell of a lot and we both view the money HE makes as OUR money. It did take a while for me to get comfortable with that though.

amyfelice

I just want to say, I wish I was a SAHM. I could totally see this being an issue too (just for me, not for DH) but he is already jealous I get to spend more time with DD. Whenever I broach the topic he says he will stay home and I should work, dang it! So envious. I guess there are pros and cons to everything, but it's so important to have that time with a parent. I believe it is far beyond any price you can put on it, and I'm sure you all do too or you would not be doing it. 

EmmieB

amyfelice:

I just want to say, I wish I was a SAHM. I could totally see this being an issue too (just for me, not for DH) but he is already jealous I get to spend more time with DD. Whenever I broach the topic he says he will stay home and I should work, dang it! So envious. I guess there are pros and cons to everything, but it's so important to have that time with a parent. I believe it is far beyond any price you can put on it, and I'm sure you all do too or you would not be doing it. 

We stayed with my cousin while we were in Seattle - she and her husband both work full time so their son (who is 15 months) is in daycare in the building next to theirs. It works so well for all of them - it's insane how well adjusted and happy and thriving they are. (We grew up calling her perfect...so no one is surprised) But as happy they are, and as solvent as they are, I couldn't do it. 

I'm glad I saw that - and saw it in a situation where both parents are choosing to work and everyone is happy with that - because it helped reinforce my own decision.

Which I guess is what I should focus on when my mom makes allusions to my servitude. I do play an important role: happy mommy, happy family. I can always go to work when he's in school.

Heck - we're about to buy a loss-leader (laptop) so I can knuckle down and escape for a few hours here and there to write my great american novel.

Thanks for sharing everyone! I love how our stories are all so different but overlap so much. It's nice to know that you're never really alone.

Happy Friday! 

secretkeeper321

soon2Bkranz:

So it seems t me like much of how we feel is shaped by how we were raised...in particular our moms.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

I'm not a SAHM, but my thoughts on the subject are totally rooted in growing up with a SAHM and what she preached at me for years on the topic.

pkw

I never imagined I would be a SAHM.  I seriously thought I was going to work and any child I had would be in daycare, but then sh!t happened and things have worked out this way and I am finding that it is perfect for us and especially for me because I really diminished my own feelings about motherhood before even getting pregnant because I just assumed things would be X way and then to have them be Y way and me be happy about it was a surprise.

I think I am in a different situation with the money because I actually am still pulling a pay check. I don't think most people know this but I am on disability and have been for a while, disability with my employer not the state, via workers comp.  because they screwed up payments I actually continue to be paid 2 years longer than they would have to pay me had they not tried to deny me disability, etc.  Long story short, I actually pull a hearty pay check 2 times a month so maybe that is why I dont have any trouble seeing it as our money vs his money.

That said...I also am in school full-time and we pay 100% out of pocket for it. So in some ways I feel like a drain on our finances.  

DH is very good about terming everything to be ours, just like I do.  I dunno, maybe it is about making it that way...making it clear verbally?

Also, I wouldn't let someone else's absurd comments (even your mom's) skew what you know is right for your family.  Don't let it get under you skin because you are living the way that is right for you guys, even if she can't understand that. 

MarksGrrl

I'm totally late to the party but I'll chime in anyway. 

I don't feel guilty or like the money in our joint checking account isn't there for me too.  Here's why... 

As a SAHM I'm the one responsible for all of the cooking and cleaning and laundry and dishes.  Grocery shopping, party planning, calendar managing, childcare, birthday present buying, waking up at all hours of the night to feed or get rid of a monster...you get the idea, and I probably don't have to tell you.  This is my job, and I'm "on" far longer than the 8-10 hours that DH is away at work.  My job doesn't pay me monitarily, but it does make it possible for us to spend more time doing other things on the weekends instead of chores and errands, like it used to be when I was working outside of the home.

I don't feel entitled to spend, spend, spend; but if I want to pick up Starbucks while we're out or buy a new pair of shoes every now and then, he doesn't have a problem with it and neither do I.  If he did, I might consider going on "strike" for a few days to see how he changes his tune.  Ha!  Kidding!  Kinda....