Birthday

johnnys june

Logan's birthday is Friday.  I seem to come and go between depression, anxiety, numbness, and emptiness.  I want to celebrate him and his day with all my heart.  But my heart feels broken all over again.  Then there's the guilt...

We won't be in home for his birthday.  DH applied for a Fire Fighter job in NC where my parents are and his test date is Friday -- Logan's birthday.  We're leaving tomorrow.  Part of me feels guilty for not being here to visit the cemetery.  But the other part of me knows with all my heart that my baby boy would much rather us be with his Gammy, Pawpaw, and aunties.  It's so hard.  We visited the cemetery yesterday and left birthday balloons and a solar light.  I have a painted moon and stars too, but it wasn't finished so I'll take that up there when we get back.  It's so hard to "buy gifts" for your baby when it's only going to sit on top of a grave....

We do plan on celebrating, quietly and privately.  After DH takes his test we're going to build a single memory box and donate it to the NICU at the hospital my daddy works at.  We've already delivered the 21 memory boxes to the NICU here where Logan was.  We also plan on carving pumpkins with the family.  Last year, DH had brought a pumpkin up to the hospital since I was on bed rest and carved it bedside.  Halloween is my favorite so DH didn't want me to miss it.  While he was carving the pumpkin is when my contractions came back.  DH finished the pumpkin and I was so touched by how sweet he was.  3 hours later, Logan was born.  It seems fitting to carve pumpkins for his birthday since Halloween is so near and since it's the last activity we did as a family.  Plus it's something I can create a tradition for our future children.   If I can, I want to find a floating lantern.  

This sucks.  My emotions are all over the place.  I never imagined you could miss someone this much.  Never.

Thanks for listening, Ladies! 

kate6267

{{{{BIG HUGE HUGS}}}} i love your pumpkin tradition!

I wish I could give you a real hug!

magdalina.h

((hugs))

I was a mess on Aidan's birthday. We had a nasty nasty snow storm and ended up having a half day at work. We planned on going out to dinner with our families, but cancelled because of the storm. We ended up not celebrating his birthday and I felt so much guilt. Instead MH and I celebrated on our own.

illinigal

Huge hugs. That's cute about the pumpkins.

cookie_queen

((hugs))

We're getting close to the boys birthday and I'm feeling tons of guilt because we aren't traveling back to MN where they are buried. We just don't have the time off or the money. I can't think of a way to celebrate and remember them that feels right.

I really like your pumpkin idea! 

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roxyttandme

I have found that the time leading up to these b-days and milestones tend to be worse than the actual day. You are not alone in your feelings. 

 

(((hugs))) 

pb127

Huge (((hugs))))!  I love your pumpkin tradition and especially the story behind it.

Logan is with you and celebrating with you, where ever you are. Thinking of all of you this weekend and big ((hugs)).