Re: from single parenting... When to call it quits?
To me, being in a blended family makes the thought of divorce even more concerning. I wrote this on the single parents board and I figured I would write it here too since I frequent this board more often. I don't usually share information on here about mine and DH's relationship because I am very private about that kind of thing but I could use some advise...
Short background: DH and I have known each other since middle school, not really best buds but we knew each other. We got married in December of 2008. He had a 2 1/2 year old son from a previous relationship. DH and BM were never married. At first DH and BM took care of all things concerning my stepson, but that slowly started to fade and they both started to rely on me more until it got to the point that I was the main caregiver of SS. BM is basically not in the picture anymore. She sees SS, overnnight, about once every two weeks or so.
I had my DS in January 2010 and in September of this year I had my DD. They are 21 months apart and this would be a difficult task to handle with two involved parents. My DH has bascially checked out with anything having to do with the kids, including his first son. DH hasn't helped change diapers for DS since he was about six months old and he has only changed one diaper of DD's in the six weeks since she was born.
He never helps feed, bathe, dress, or generally take care of any of the kids. And when he does it is only because I have repeadtedly begged him for help to the point of me crying because I am overwhelmed. And still he complains and b!tches the whole time. I am tired of being the only one who takes care of my SS, and I am tired of feeling like a single parent to my DS and DD when I have a husband.
He also yells at DS a lot. I think between my SS and DS that he has forgotten how a 1 1/2 year old acts. He has no patients, and makes DS cry because he is loud and scary. He has never "hurt" the kids but I think his anger and temper will be harmful in the longrun.
I am miserable and I feel bad for my kids to have to see me like this. His lack of support and lack of parenting is really putting a strain on our relationship. He has also been kind of controlling lately. I mentioned getting a job (I am currently a SAHM) and he said that if I did, I would be paying for daycare out of my salary, that he would not pay for it. For me to do that would cost over $500 a week. I wouldn't be able save any money or have anything left over after daycare, taxes, and necessities.
I am so unhappy. I have asked him to go to counseling with me and he refuses. He says there is nothing wrong with him and that I am the one that needs counseling because I am so emotional. I think he is just trying to deflect so that he doesn't look like the bad guy. Am I wrong for wanting to leave?
Re: Re: from single parenting... When to call it quits?
No one can tell you you're wrong for wanting to leave. Sometimes we all want out.
But I would suggest taking a time out and then reevaluating.
If he won't go to therapy go without him. You will learn some valuable coping mechanisms that will help you no matter what happens with your marriage.
Do you have somewhere you could go with your kids for awhile, just to step out of the situation? Obviously you can't walk out the door with SS, but if you're not there to care for him I would assume DH or BM would have to step up. Maybe it's time he saw what life was like with you not there to clean up his messes.
And get the job, if that is what you want. If all it does is enable you to put the kids in daycare and have some adult interaction and make you feel better about yourself, it will still be worth it.
((Hugs)). I feel your pain. And I sincerely hope it gets better.
Better to have two happy homes than one unhappy one.
And, Emma, YGPM.
I went through a similar experience with my husband. It was before we had kids but I have a demanding job and he just wouldn't help with any of the cooking or cleaning. He thought his only job was providing for the family (which yes is part of the deal but not ALL of it). Also I was just miserable. He wasn't affectionate anymore and everything was just strained. I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused using the same there's nothing wrong with me you're just too emotional excuse. I did go to therapy on my own and it gave me the courage to "take a break" I went to a hotel for a week and left him to his mess. He realized while I was gone how difficult it was for him without me. He didn't want to lose me so he changed his mind about counseling. Now we couldn't be happier. I guess the point of this is take some time away from the situation to re-evaluate before you make the big decision. I know it is harder because of your SS but would you get in trouble for taking him with you too? Is there family where you can stay for a few days?
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I think you guys are in a really stressful situation. Young kids, no family nearby. It's tough.
The issue of him not helping seems to be a common one. My kind of "stock" answer is to be very specific what you would like help with. Like, giving DS a bath once a week and giving DD a bath once a week, not necessarily on the same night, unless you bathe them together.
Are you guys taking any time alone without the kids? You need to find a way to get a date night in. I know it might sound like the lowest priority right now, but if you're really interested in seeing if you and DH can still make this work, being home with a house full of kids is not really going to give you the opportunity to think clearly or indepth about what you want.
The anger issues are kind of scary. I think a break is a good idea. I know SS would have to stay with him because of school, but can you take the younger kids and go to your family for a while? I'd get a date night in with DH, take time to talk with him, then schedule a visit to see your family, for like a week, and then you and DH talk again after you come home. See where you both are, and if you guys can work some changes into your routine that will help you out.
this exactly
Just a point of correction: She's still in the picture, just not as involved as she used to be.
If SS is out of the house every other week, you should use that opportunity to get a babysitter (finding one for two kids is SO much easier than finding one who can handle three!) and have your date night every other week.
ETA: I just read your post in "role call" and I take back what I said about BM still being in the picture if she's seeing him! How does she even still have visits anymore?
After all you guys have been through, you really could use some extra support. Wow. I'm impressed you're together so far.
I'm glad you're going to go to counseling. I hope DH joins you.
So sorry you are going through this... I think a break might be a good idea. He's got to take some responsibility for his life, and as long as thinks are easy for him he won't do it.
GL!
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!