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shellygreen728

I have a DD that is 14 my SO also has a DD 14 that lives 3.5 hrs away, the last few time we have taken the weekend to go see her and spend time with her she has blown us off knowing in advance that we were coming.  Last week was SO B-day and she didn't call her text her Dad until the next day around noon.  Let me say that my daughters father lives 30 min aways and she has no relationship with him and he doesn't even attempt one, even though he has one with my older son.  I really want to say something to SO's daughter to let her know how lucky she is to have an involved father even 3.5 hrs away.  It makes me want to stop doing extra things that I do on my own for her since she doesn't seem to appreciate it and has taken to treating her dad like he is not important. My SO is not opposed to me saying something as he knows I will be diplomatic. I think a lot of her attitude has to do with a boy she wants to date that her father is against, he is 18 she is 14, her BM asked SO to talk to daughter about it and let her know it was not ok, since he did it started the cold shoulder.   Suggestions??  How would you handle it??

logansmom3212

Have you ever heard the phrase "Children need the most love when they deserve it the least" ?  Do you really think that a chat with her Dad's girlfriend is going to make the situation better?  Honestly, I think it will make it worse.  I think that you need to encourage your SO to try harder with his daughter... she needs him to.  He might not get the love or respect (or whatever he is looking for) in return, but that is just one of those things about being a parent. 

shellygreen728

He tries a lot and very hard.  I have heard that phrase and agree to a certain point.  I guess the toughest thing to me is the material things that we provide to her when she asks.  I don't give things to my biological children when they are not deserving why should I continue with her.  I will always be there for her to talk to and call which she does frequently, in fact she has called me more than her Dad recently I just don't want her to think that treating people shitty is the way to behave.  Thank you for the opinion, it gives me something to think about.

Jessys_Girl

I get where you're coming from but I think the old "you catch more flies with honey" thing applies. Y'all just have to keep doing what you're doing, as far as caring about her/loving her/showing her all the time that you care and love her.  She's 14.  To her, not being able to date an 18 y.o. is the end of the world...but she'll get over it.

Nineoceans

You want to tell this child she is lucky her Dad is doing what he is supposed to be doing? Children don't owe their parents anything. She didn't ask to be in a blended family or for any of this situation for that matter. The only thing he can do is offer her unconditional love, support and work on building a relationship built on respect and trust.

mcltwin2

I understand where you're coming from because it is REALLY hard to watch your SO in pain over something going on with his child but no good will come from you saying anything.  If a talking-to is coming it should be a sit down with her dad, not dad's girlfriend.  I don't see anything wrong with telling her how her actions make him feel, but it needs to come from him, not from you.  If he's not prepared to have that conversation with her then take a deep breath, grab a bottle of wine and try not to let it bother you.  Sorry but that's the best advice I've got.  Good luck! 

shellygreen728

Nineoceans:

You want to tell this child she is lucky her Dad is doing what he is supposed to be doing? Children don't owe their parents anything. She didn't ask to be in a blended family or for any of this situation for that matter. The only thing he can do is offer her unconditional love, support and work on building a relationship built on respect and trust.

You are right she did not ask to be in a blended family.  I do not however agree with the fact that children do not owe parents "anything", I think deserving parents are owed respect.

shellygreen728

Thank you for those who replied I appreciate your input.  I will not be saying anything to her but I will not be going above and beyond for her like I have been.  I will be someone for her to talk to when she needs or help her with homework over the phone like I do etc.  I think that teenagers need to rememeber things have to be earned and respect is a two way street.

FutureMrsWittig

shellygreen728:

Thank you for those who replied I appreciate your input.  I will not be saying anything to her but I will not be going above and beyond for her like I have been.  I will be someone for her to talk to when she needs or help her with homework over the phone like I do etc.  I think that teenagers need to rememeber things have to be earned and respect is a two way street.

Respect is a two way street and it's good that you want to teach her that.  Can SO have a h2h with her and just say "I know you're mad at me right now.  I'm sorry that you can't understand where your mom and I are coming from, but we really think you will see it someday.  If you like us all the time there's a good chance we aren't doing our job right.  But we love you, and I will fight for you to have everything you deserve in life, including a childhood that lasts as long as it should."  She won't get it now.  But someday she will.

shellygreen728

FutureMrsWittig:

shellygreen728:

Thank you for those who replied I appreciate your input.  I will not be saying anything to her but I will not be going above and beyond for her like I have been.  I will be someone for her to talk to when she needs or help her with homework over the phone like I do etc.  I think that teenagers need to rememeber things have to be earned and respect is a two way street.

Respect is a two way street and it's good that you want to teach her that.  Can SO have a h2h with her and just say "I know you're mad at me right now.  I'm sorry that you can't understand where your mom and I are coming from, but we really think you will see it someday.  If you like us all the time there's a good chance we aren't doing our job right.  But we love you, and I will fight for you to have everything you deserve in life, including a childhood that lasts as long as it should."  She won't get it now.  But someday she will.

He actually has and after I posted this some things have come to light....even though her BM said no to the dating of the 18 yo as did her father it seems that she is seeing him and her mother is allowing it to happen.  I figure now that is maybe why she is distancing herself from her dad becuase she is trying to hide it. 

shellygreen728

wendilea:

Part of what you're dealing with is just 14 yo girl, blended or not.  A lot of people don't agree with me on this point, but do not ALLOW her to blow you off when you go to visit her.  Her mother needs to back you up on this, but whatever plans she has are not as important as seeing her dad.  Those plans get cancelled or rescheduled.  We had a judge tell SD1 to cancel a date that she would rather go on than see her dad who had driven 1000 miles (it was the day of court, so convenient!)

Don't reward crappy behavior, but don't withhold attention and affection from her.  

And there's no way in hell my 14 yo would be dating, and certainly not dating an 18 year old.  4 years is a huge difference at that age.  Your DH and BM need to decide if they'd like to be grandparents if they're not going to put an end to that.

 

We agree on so many levels.  Her father has talked to her about the dating this boy and supposedly her BM is saying no also but there is to much I am seeing via facebook to think that BM is sticking to it. He is at his wits end with this part of the situation because you are exactly right no one wants to be grandparents yet!!