When to give up on the relationship
Short background: DH and I have known each other since middle school, not really best buds but we knew each other. We got married in December of 2008. He had a 2 1/2 year old son from a previous relationship. DH and BM were never married. At first DH and BM took care of all things concerning my stepson, but that slowly started to fade and they both started to rely on me more until it got to the point that I was the main caregiver of SS. BM is basically not in the picture anymore. She sees SS, overnnight, about once every two weeks or so.
I had my DS in January 2010 and in September of this year I had my DD. They are 21 months apart and this would be a difficult task to handle with two involved parents. My DH has bascially checked out with anything having to do with the kids, including his first son. DH hasn't helped change diapers for DS since he was about six months old and he has only changed one diaper of DD's in the six weeks since she was born.
He never helps feed, bathe, dress, or generally take care of any of the kids. And when he does it is only because I have repeadtedly begged him for help to the point of me crying because I am overwhelmed. And still he complains and b!tches the whole time. I am tired of being the only one who takes care of my SS, and I am tired of feeling like a single parent to my DS and DD when I have a husband.
He also yells at DS a lot. I think between my SS and DS that he has forgotten how a 1 1/2 year old acts. He has no patients, and makes DS cry because he is loud and scary. He has never "hurt" the kids but I think his anger and temper will be harmful in the longrun.
I am miserable and I feel bad for my kids to have to see me like this. His lack of support and lack of parenting is really putting a strain on our relationship. He has also been kind of controlling lately. I mentioned getting a job (I am currently a SAHM) and he said that if I did, I would be paying for daycare out of my salary, that he would not pay for it. For me to do that would cost over $500 a week. I wouldn't be able save any money or have anything left over after daycare, taxes, and necessities.
I am so unhappy. I have asked him to go to counseling with me and he refuses. He says there is nothing wrong with him and that I am the one that needs counseling because I am so emotional. I think he is just trying to deflect so that he doesn't look like the bad guy. Am I wrong for wanting to leave?
Re: When to give up on the relationship
Nope. Same thing happened with me and my XH.
Not only was he an alcoholic, and abusive towards me...but he also had no job and no desire to work. He watched DD during the time, but when I mean watched, I mean - he would sit DD in front of the TV with her toys and either be on youtube or outside!! i would come home and find out that he had been drinking white watching her, her diaper would be wet, and he wouldn't try to feed her solids. She was behind b/c he wasn't trying to work with her on feeding, he wouldnt sing to her, read to her, he had no idea how to comb her hair!! Now that she is in daycare she has thrived and is now a social butterfly.
When I met him he wated kids back in 2003. In 2008 when I talked to him about having kids he said he didn't want children (!!) I was so upset. He finally agreed to have a child and we had DD.
Now that DD and I are gone, he has only seen her twice and never calls to check on her or anything. His emails are only about how evil I am and how it is all my fault not his...he has "done nothing wrong" and was the "perfect father and husband".
So anyway, it took me about 8 months of planning and getting the strength to leave him. My support system helped a lot. I'm of course struggling financially with no child support coming in, but DD and I have been fortuante to live with my parents temporarily.
If you need to talk, I'm here for you. It has been a long road, but I have felt like a single mom since I was pregnant with DD. XH has NEVER been any help what-so-ever.
GL
Thanks! I keep giving myself deadlines and putting it off hoping that he will change, but its not happening. I am affraid he will try to take the kids just to stick it to me. I have a feeling that is why he was so persistant in taking my SS from his BM. He doesn't take care of him, I do. I take care of all of the kids so I don't know why he would want full custody but he has threatend me with it before. He says I wont get any of the kids because he is the one with the job. I am just scared to make the wrong decision right now.
Sounds like my BF, and we are expecting our first kid. This is exactly what I am afraid of, and I wouldn't trust him to take care of our baby while I worked.
I say you have a very good reason to leave him. It doesn't sound like he even wants to change. If you're going to have to take care of the kids by yourself, you might as well be able to do it without having to take care of him as well.
Thats exactly what I feel like, like I am taking care of 4 kids instead of three. Tonight he came home from work at 6 and dropped off my stepson and said he had to go back to work and would probably be gone all night. He didn't offer to give me a break for ten minutes or to help with dinner, nothing! He just dropped the kid off and left.
My lawyer was nervous that since Ava was in the care of him that he had a chance to win custody since he was the "primary caregiver" and I worked all day. I was shocked that I might lose custody b/c of that! I convinced him that she needs to be in daycare for social reasons and my mom thankfully paid for that month. After he put his hands on me the day I told him we were leaving he went to jail. My lawyer said that its unfortuntate that he did that, but since he went to jail for a class A misdemeanor I should have no problem with winning custody.
I kept thinking he would change and it never happened! He was a 12 year old boy that only wanted to watch R/C airplane videos all day on youtube and when I got home he was SO relieved so he could go outside for the rest of the evening and tinker in the garage and drink. I was relieved too that he was out of my hair. We weren't like this forever as I did love him at one time...but a person can only take so much emotional, physical, and mental abuse from someone. I was tired of crying every.single.day. at work.
***36 year old man acting like a 12 year old boy.