How sensitive are you ?
QOMM: (Question on my mind)
How sensitive are you to other people's phrasing of things?
Example: Owner of the business I manage and I were meeting with a potential buyer. He brought up that he did not like Hamburger Mary's restaurant that opened nearby. "I drive down the street and it's just so...purple there."
I tried to ask a few open ended questions (most straight people don't think I "look gay") "What didn't you like?" "The building is just too bright?"
But, he just kept repeating purple.
Yup, it's purple. And tacky. And that's kind of their thing.
The owner stepped in and stated that he had eaten there and sat at the "Cher table" and they brought their check in a high heeled shoe.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and not harp about language. Try to understand what they are meaning to say. But, certain things are a red flag that say to me I need more information.
I wished the owner had not stepped in, and perhaps the man would have felt more comfortable putting his foot in his mouth ? Or perhaps not.
Question #2: When you see this man again, how would you assess his comfort with the LGBT community? (It's a really small staff and 2 of us--at least--identify as LGB.) If he's a secret "what they do in their house is their own business but I don't want to see it" guy--how can I find that out?
Re: How sensitive are you ?
tough one ... as a friend of mine just posted something referencing GAY as THAT"S GAY ( i supposed it means -Lame I guess) ... so I was reading and rereading his post and others comments. My first instinct was to say HEY I'M GAY ... then 2nd was to go ape *** and then I asked Melanie ( he is really her friend) what she would do... I ended up doing nothing but thinking about it all day. LOW AND BEHOLD I found my self making the same comment about our dog .... I said ( and I feel bad after it came out but rarely say things like this ....to Melanie, " Babe that sweater on the dog kinda looks kinda gay ... its maybe too girlie for him, a aqua sweater ... then I sat down and lookes at my mom ( were visiting ) and I feel like such a BAD BAD BAD person ...
-HMMM...
but is it different because I am gay .. is it like rappers and African Americans referring to themselvs ( i dont even know how to type that ) is it even a comparison .... I refer to myself as a cheap Jew sometimes ... never a KYKE but I dont know...
Damn now I am all perplexed...
J
our Blog -http://dosbabies.wordpress.com/
I'm not sensitive at all - what I AM is a completely undiplomatic instigator. When things like that have happened to me (and they have), I have replied, "you mean it's too homosexually inclined for your super heterosexually manly personality?" I understand most people can't do that, though, especially at work. I'm blessed to work in a field in which my diplomacy about political/personal issues matters exactly 0. (In fact, just today, as we discussed more of a YouTube/Facebook presence for our organization, one of the managers said, "Maybe we should record T going on one of her rants." So, I'm known for it.
About the question in your situation (which I do not envy AT ALL - buyers are tricky), I think I would say something like, "My wife completely agrees with you" and watch him either a) not skip a beat, in which case the purple reference was just about the color and gaudiness of the place; or b) go red in the face and choke. But that's me, and again, I'm *not* known by my diplomatic skills.
I went to Hamburger Mary's in DC once and it is very gay but it was fun. Had some of the strongest drinks I have ever had.
1. As for how sensitive I am...I would say highly. I work with teenagers on a daily basis and constantly am hearing "That's so gay" and I will stop whatever I am doing to address it. Bullying is such an issue and you never know who is listening is usually some part of my following lecture. It is veyr clear in all of my classes that language putting down any person or group will not be tolerated. As a student I also do this in my classes. In my past psych classes I was surprised at how many homophobes were enrolled. I would "educate" them quickly on who I was, what I stand for, and why it is good to have an open mind.
2. I would let the issue go for now but if you encounter an issue with him again in the future it may be helpful to discuss it with him at that time. Once upon a time I worked for a woman who because I got sick a lot and was a homosexual she assumed I was HIV+ and spoke to a coworker about it. I educated her really fast and then told her to shove her job and moved onto greener pastures.
Yes, I think it's completely different for a homosexual person to make a comment like that than a heterosexual person. I think it's right along the lines of the race thing you described.
As for being sensitive for people's comments. Yes, it bothers me. However, whenever people say derogatory things it just makes me think that they're uneducated and missing out on a part of life. It makes me feel sorry for them more than it makes me angry, usually. Also, I think about how there's only one judge, and it's not them, so it's really not for them to say.
OP, hopefully your coworker didn't mean anything by it. If so, he should be told that it's not okay to be pushing his personal opinions on people during work time.
THIS. I mean I do not usually describe things as gay but my friend and I used to joke about him being such an f word. And that was okay because we were gay but for someone else to call him that word would be totally out of line.
Now as far as I go I do not tolerate the use of something being "gay". I just tell people that I do not appreciate the use of that word in that manner. If you are saying so and so is gay because they really are and you are not being derogatory than fine. I remember the commercials that were out a while ago (I think Wanda Sykes was in one?) about not using that word and I wish they would come back.
As far as addressing it with a potential client I have nothing my office is so nonchalant about homosexuals that I do not think it would ever be an issue.
Thanks everyone! I will keep you updated about what happens.
Just to clarify--the business is up for sale, so this was a man thinking about buying the business. He would be my boss.
When it is a new employee, I'm pretty good at stating our policy and my beliefs. (We're diverse. Deal with it.)
A new boss--I don't want to tell him what I think, I want to genuinely know what he thinks. I'm a little more like t--I wished that I had said, "oh, it's too gay for you?" And wait to see what he said.
He had a pretty flat affect--I'm feel like if I said "My partner..." he would just be blank and I wouldn't be able to read him.
*I wasn't a big fan of his in general--kind of a dud. But, I will meet him again, and this is my personal mission--to assess his feelings about LGBT community.*