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3rd Trimester
Faliny
member
DH is kind of freaking out ... (Longer)
Faliny
member
My DH has been amazing through my pregnancy (my pregnancy was a surprise and far from being planned). I would say the past couple of days his demeanor has changed completely. I mean 180! I know there is a lot of stress at the end, right before baby comes, but I think some of what he says is just harsh and pessimistic. Rather over dramatic about things. I am just trying not to say anything and do what I can around the house and run errands to ease the stress. He says "Reality hit".
By "reality hit" he means, were are not going to move ahead in life, stay renting, not have a retirement and/or even be able to pay for her ESA for college, barely be making meets end even after he gets his degree. He works full time and goes to school part-time (about a 1 1/2 year away from his BS from the university). I tend to think he is overreacting on all this. He says that by keeping her (and not doing adoption, even though he is still not 100% on that, that he may resent us both). My first idea when we found out (@ 5 1/2 weeks) was adoption, he said no, now I'm beyond attached, ready, and anxiously waiting for her arrival.
Has any other ladies have had their DHs go through things like this? Anything you said or did that helped or is it one of those things that just has to take it's course?
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Re: DH is kind of freaking out ... (Longer)
How old are you both? I am all for adoption when a teen gets pregnant and wont be able to take care of a child the way it deserves.. there are so many families that want babies and cant have them. I feel like when you really dont think you or your SO is ready, and you know you wont have the means to take care of a child, then adoption is a great option to consider. The fact that it is even really an option for you says ALOT about wether you are ready for a baby or not. I wouldnt think that would even be a thought in someones mind that was really stable and readily prepared to raise a family. Im all about doing things "in order" and having all your ducks in a row, but sometimes it works out in amazing ways for people who have surprises. I have a lot of friends that couldnt be happier with the surprising ways their lives have changed. Its all about what you really feel in your heart and mind to be the "right thing" for you and your SO.
Good luck!
I think he is just seeing the negative possibilities. Try painting a positive outlook for him. Like he graduates, gets a great job and you have all the money that you need. He is probably just nervous... it is human nature to fear the unknown. Whenever I've worried about money or just our future as a family in general, I remember that a lot more people have gone through this and survived with a lot less than what we have. I'm sure once you have the baby, he will forget about all his material worries and be so in love that none of this will even matter to him anymore
My husband kind of freaked out at about 28 weeks, when his "reality hit". My DH's main concern was the change in our lifestyle (no more last-minute plans, no more romantic vacations for just the two of us (for a while), no more boys trips to vegas (for a while), etc.). Also, he became really focused on saving money to buy a bigger house and putting money away into our emergency fund. But my husband never admitted to me, like your husband did, that he may end up resenting me and the baby for effect it would have on his life.
Have you thought about going to couples counseling? My parents found themselves in a similar situation to yours when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. The timing was completely off for them, too, and because of their relationship being on rocky ground anyway and the additional financial and emotional stress of having a baby, they ended up having a lot of problems in their marriage. My mom actually admitted to me that she resents that she got pregnant when she did - illogical thinking, i know, especially to admit that to your child, but that was her reality. In her mind, having a baby at that time in her life really limited her ability to "do all the things she wanted to do" in her life. But that was her limited thinking, and it really affected her relationship with me and my dad my entire life.
I would take your husbands concerns seriously, as it looks like he is really being honest with his feelings and his fears for the future. Maybe you could work out a "life plan" with your DH and a counselor so that you can continue to work toward those goals that are important to both of you - raising a child in a loving home where your child feels like she is wanted and belongs, and creating a financial plan so you can save to buy a home, save for retirement and pay for college. It's totally possible, its just a matter of planning and being dedicated towards that goal over the long term. GL!
I completely agree it's normal to have some fear of the unknown in this situation. In our case, I'm the one who is freaking out about money and the future. We are already in a house and can cut some things back, but I still worry about the future (I probably always will). DH had his freak out moment right before our wedding so I guess it's my turn now. :-)
I also agree with others who said that once the baby is here and he can see/hold it, he will most likely forget about most of what is freaking him out right now. At least I hope that is the case--I hope it all works out.
I think counseling would be great. He refuses to spend the money. We were on what I thought was pretty solid footing and ready for baby. So it blindsided me to be honest. I'm 24 and my DH is 28 (he was in the military for 6 years, so got a latter start at school). I know we could do it and be fine. We may have to live extremely frugally, but I know we will get there. I'm just trying to show him the positive aspects of our LO coming into the world and told him to hang on until he sees her. Then I think it will be different (well, at least I hope so!!). He wants to make sure she gets all the opportunities that life has to offer and I completely understand! But others have done just fine without being offered every oppotunity, although it makes life easier. I thank all you ladies for your responses! It definitely gives me things to think about and try. I just hope seeing his LO will change his mind/heart.
Yes, probably seeing your LO will change his heart and make him see your baby as less of a financial liability and more as his child that needs his love and guidance. But I think the burden he's feeling is more based on the expectations he has of the lifestyle he envisioned for the two of you and your children when you decided to get married.
I know if my husband were having these fears and had expressed them to me, I would want to validate his feelings by letting him know that I understand his concerns and take them seriously. Again, the burden he's feeling is more based on the expectations he has of the life he envisioned for the two of you and your children. I know with my husband, he really sees fatherhood as a huge financial responsibility, and would be freaking out if he couldn't financially provide for the family the way he wants to. For my DH, its a matter of personal pride to provide for his family and also he sees it as his role as the head of the household to make sure that we have the best life he can afford. My DH's personality is so black and white that he would consider it a failure if we just barely made it living paycheck to paycheck, even though I would be fine with it as long as we were living frugally and within our means. Sounds like your DH thinks similar to mine.
The two of you could work out a savings/debt reduction/retirement plan to address how financially you could reach all those goals he thinks are now impossible. By acknowledging his fears instead of sweeping them under the rug and hoping that his anxiety will go away once the baby arrives, you're making a commitment to him that you're both working towards a goal and he's not having to carry the burden all his own, even if he feels like that now.
I understand how expensive counseling is. Does his university offer student health services? Often they offer psychological counseling for free or on a sliding scale basis, where you pay what you can. If not, just sitting down with your husband and having a good heart to heart with him is a good start. GL!
I agree that I would NOT just sweep his concerns aside. Sit down and really talk to him. I like the pp's idea of coming up with a plan...if you have on paper what you can save (roughly) for retirement, etc by when maybe it'll help him feel better.
Babies change things SO much and communication is really really important. Validate what he's feeling now and lay the groundwork for more communication later, since it may be harder to listen when you are both tired, stressed, etc later.
And I also agree about looking into counseling at his university. I'd be shocked if they DIDN'T offer free or heavily discounted sessions for students, especially students that are facing difficult times. I know every university I've been associated with had free help for students for a variety of things.
I'd be ready for a thwack upside the head to DH if he even remotely suggested something like that because of strictly finance and budgeting stuff!
O.k. let's start first with a line that won Jesse Ventura election - "If you're smart enough to go to college, you're smart enough to figure out how to PAY for college"... Right now we're facing a shortage of skilled workers in this country and there are so many jobs that one can earn a rather sizable income from if they're willing to learn a trade skill (plumbing, welding, manufacturing), when stuff hits the fan, there'll always be a need for a plumber/HVAC/electrician/nurse/EMT/etc. Just a thought to ponder...
Next, it's up to you both to live within your means if you want to purchase a house and put money aside to do so (bonus points if you save up enough to be able to pay cash on the spot for a small starter home and never have to pay someone else interest!)... So many people overpurchase on houses when if they purchased within their means and paid it off they would be able to have a much better retirement because they didn't waste time paying someone else. Ask your DH the question, does he want to have the house go to the government when you both pass on or does he want to be able to hand it on to the next generation, or have grandkids... Grandkids are the reward for surviving your own kids because you get to do everything with them you can't as parents because you're trying to raise well adjusted kids.
The kiddo and siblings won't break the bank, making bad financial decisions will. You need to have an "Economics 101" lesson with your DH and be the logical one with him to explain it's not the end of your financial world as a couple and that you both by making smart financial decisions will be exactly where he's hoping to be for retirement!!