Has becoming a mom changed your friendships?

aerotigergirl

Since the board is slow, I'll post something that has been on my mind...

I have a friend whom I've known since elementary school. We were great friends all the way through high school, and since then we've kept in touch but only speak occasionally (probably twice/year, via facebook). We live about 1000 miles apart. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding in 2009.

She has no interest in getting married or having kids, and she sort of always assumed (I guess because I was single until I was 30) that I had a similar track planned out for my life. Then I got married, and in May, I had DS. She did send a facebook message congratulating us when Jonah was born, but we haven't really spoken since then. 

Her birthday was last week, and I did remember ahead of time, but I failed to follow through and send her a message to give her birthday wishes. Today, as I was sending her a message, I was really beating myself up over failing to wish her a happy birthday on time, and then it occurred to me that I haven't heard from her since May either (she didn't respond to a message I sent her in August about getting together when we were going to be in town), and friendship is a two-way street.

I'm ok with us growing apart. It makes me sad, but it was bound to happen at some point and we were well on our way down that path already. But it seems like having Jonah was sort of the "nail in the coffin" on that friendship. 

Have you had friendships change/end as a result of becoming a mom? Have you been upset/had your feelings hurt/been disappointed if it has happened to you? Have you made new friends, or have you been surprised by existing friends who you thought would bail once you had kids who've since stepped up to be even better friends than before? 

sparkymcgeee

Unfortunately yes. Not just having a baby but also getting married. I've lost a few friends just because I've gone in a different direction than they have. But in other friendships I've been able to get closer to some people because I was 29 when I got married. So many of my friends got married sooner. They already had kids so now I can relate to them and we talk more.

It's just the natural progression of life. It does suck though.

jg_girl1

I slowly started to lose contact with several of my friends when I got married. They always wanted to go out drinking and picking up guys which wasn't really my thing any more. I saw them once or twice while I was pregnant. Now I have not seen any of them since my baby shower. We just don't have anything in common anymore... I mean what the heck would we talk about if we got together??? That being said I have been meeting other new moms which are quickly replacing my old friends.

CanuckFan03

I think getting married shifted (and the fact that I moved away from my hometown, and then moved away from the city where I went to university)  I speak irregularly to all my close friends from high school and my good friends from Uni. 

I built new friendships here, and my girlies are all kind of getting married, and about to have kids, or have a couple.  I definitely have gotten closer with my friends with kids - they just 'get it'.

I never really get hung up on friendships that phase out.  It's a part of life.  I like to keep in touch to see how people are doing occasionally, and I'm ok with that. 

deo

I think becoming a mom has changed my friendship with certain people but in a different way.   When we were having issues with infertility I had drifted apart from many people because I couldn't handle hearing about all of their babies and how their lives had changed.   It made me resent how long it was taking us to get pregnant and that all of my friends were moving on but we weren't. It was easier to hang out with people who didn't have kids.

My Maid of Honor got married a month before we did and started TTC the same time we did.  She got pregnant right away. As the months went by DH and I  started struggling with infertility, I found myself avoiding her phone calls. I tried hard not to let it affect our friendship but she was all about babies and I couldn't relate to her any more. I felt bad because it wasn't her fault, but it was just painful for me to be around her because it reminded me of my own problems.   Now that I am a mom we have started talking more and more.  We aren't BFF's like we used to be but we are closer now than we have been in awhile.

I think that sometimes it's ok to drift apart from friends.  It's easier to relate to people who are in the same stage of life as you are.   

MarJo03

Yeah, definitely. My priorities have change. I'll still get invited to go out to dinners, but Dh works evenings and they're talking about going out at 630, when DD's bedtime routine starts around 7.. soooo I decline. I try to make lunch dates with friends, but they mainly want to go to dinner so they can stay out and drink. Which is fine, but I'm not willing to upset DD's routine.

having my baby definitely changed friendships, but it's definitely on both ends, not just theirs. Yet, it's also brought out old friendships that I thought had fallen apart too, with friends who had kids ahead of us, or just had a baby, or are starting to ttc.

SFBayMrs

In short, yes.

And it bothers me tremendously. It's apparently very normal though (I posted a similar question on another message board). The friendships fizzle out as people go different directions in life, only to reconnect later if new commonalities emerge (i.e. if your friend does eventually get married and/or have a baby).  It's so sad. It's like we have to grieve our old friendships. I did not see this ahead of time, but I guess it makes sense.

What I've been doing is seeking out other local moms and playgroups, maybe see if there are some in your area?

 

McAllie5

(Sorry, on phone) Yes, having a baby has definitely changed my friendships. I still am very close with my BFF because she is in the same life stage as me: married and TTC. But all of my work friends (I SAH now) I really don't see or connect with anymore. They are in the "stay out late drinking" phase and also live across town. It's sad that we're not close anymore, but it really just doesn't make sense. I have gotten closer to one friend who has a baby, but other than that I'm kind of alone. I am not living anywhere near family or high school or college friends, and I'm one of the first of my friends to have a baby. It's very lonely, actually.