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Late Term and Child Loss
A question about a delicate situation
I have never had to experience what you ladies are going though, but someone close to me has. It broke my heart when it happened to her, and it was almost a year ago, and it still makes me sad to think about it for her, and based on something that just happened I know she is still hurting. If this question is in bad taste, I am so sorry, but I am really trying not to ruffle anyone's feathers, and want some perspective from people who can relate to her so I know how to talk to her, or if I should talk to her. So here is my question:
Without going into too much detail, here is the situation, I have 2 very close friends, practically since we were babies, one is getting married in a month, and the other lost her daughter at 22 weeks. Our babies would have been a month apart. Apart from sending a gift and a card she has kept her distance from me since I had my baby, and I get that, I really do. She recently vented out loud to our other friend that it was going to be really hard to see my baby at the wedding next month and it makes her not want to go. We are both in the wedding, I am actually flying a very long way to get to the wedding and bringing my daughter because my husband has to work so my baby not being at some wedding activities is not an option as it is an out of town event where I would not know anyone to ask to babysit.
My mom is also comming to the wedding and since she is 70 she will not be going to crazy that weekend and has offered to babysit during every part of the weekend except for the actual wedding and the dinner part of the reception. She will still sit with baby at the wedding and the reception so I don't have worry about it. (She knows both friends and knows about the loss of the baby, but wants to see the wedding as she has known the girl getting married since she was baby)
How would you want someone to approach you with this kind of compromise? An email? A phone call? should I do it or should the other friend who is getting married do it? We used to all be super close, like sisters, but she has not actually spoken to me since her loss. I got an email thanking me for flowers I sent and calls I made, saying she would contact me when she was ready, then I got the gift after I gave birth and a few "likes" to things on facebook but not actual voice to voice contact.
Like I said, I am not trying to ruffle feathers or offend anyone on this board, but I don't know who else to ask, as the only other person I talked to in IRL told me I was being too sensitive and just to go and not worry, and I just didn't feel like that was good advice based on what she said. It means allot to the other friend that we both come, and both be in the wedding and weddings are supposed to be happy days about the bride, not about this.
Any insight is appreciated........
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Re: A question about a delicate situation
I agree with them both! If you do your part to tell her and show here that you care and are not mindlessly flaunting yoru baby, it will mean something. She may still not want to be around the baby, but please don't take this personally. I had a similar situation with one of my good friends. It took us nearly 9 months and her son was over a year old before I could enjoy being around her and him. But I was definitely worse with strangers kids/babies, and I still am.
The truth is that nothing will make it easier for her to see your baby. It will be hard any way you do it. But because you were really close and because you care about her so much, I would call her. It's hard.. I know. .it's hard to know what to say and how to approach someone. This is all I can say- I had some people who were overly reactive and called and texted and sent cards and letters and gifts and all of that and I had some people who were afraid to talk to me at all and still don't say much to me. The people that made the biggest impressions on me were those who didn't send cards or letters or gifts and those who weren't afraid to be near me or talk to me or hug me.. the ones that meant the most to me were the people that just called me or came up to me and said ya know I love you and I know that nothing will make this better but if I can give you anything that you need let me know. When I went back to work.. LOTS of people were afraid to talk to me and some of them still haven't. I found out later that my supervisor had gone around and told everyone to give me space and having people NOT talk to me was just as hard as anything else.
This sounds like a nice, gentle approach. FWIW, I ONLY have a hard time with little kids of my ethnicity. I am *guessing* from your screenname and post that we might be of the same ethnicity, and if your friend is also, I can imagine why seeing your LO might be hard for her. Everytime I see a little one that looks sort of like mine, it hurts so so much.
? to Loss+M/PL+TTCAL+PgAL+PAL
PgAL/PAL welcome
Oh thank you everyone. I really just didn't know where else to go to ask this kind of question. Weddings are just such a big deal with my friends and family I didn't want anything or any reason to keep her away from all the festivities. I am going to call her, tell her what I intend to do, but also remind her that I love her, miss her, am here for her, and hope for the best.
Thank you all again.