biting
We used to have mega problems with Dash biting when he was around 9-12 months old. He wasn't intending to hurt us, but would just get overexcited and chomp down. We stopped this behavior by setting him down, then stepping away and saying, "No biting. We don't bite." He got the hint pretty quickly that biting = fun time being over, and we thought the problem was solved. Until now.
Lately he's started biting again, but he's not biting me and Ben - he's biting Will. A lot. And hard. Poor Will regularly has 5-6 bite marks and bruises on his arms and back (and one memorable time, across the bridge of his nose). Dash generally does this when he's not getting his way - for example, if Will has a toy he wants. I am 100% certain he understands that biting is inappropriate, but he does it anyway and I'm at a loss as to how to stop this behavior. I can stop it before it happens about half the time, and separate them immediately the other half (and needless to say, Dash doesn't get the toy or whatever that he wanted), but by then the damage is done.
Re: biting
life in oz
Yowza! This is a toughy...
I went to one of my fav parenting coaches and found this advice:
https://www.ahaparenting.com/_webapp_778369/Toddler_Biting?A=SearchResult&SearchID=2965157&ObjectID=778369&ObjectType=35
Not sure if it'll work for you or not.
And here's more "general" advice for helping toddlers work through their "big" emotions: https://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=1280641&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2965157&ObjectID=1280641&ObjectType=1
Is there any fair warning before Dash bites? For example, Libby will sometimes try to kick the dogs if they're pestering her...we've told her "we don't kick people or animals" and she knows it's wrong to do it, but it's like she's just "had it!" with the dogs, especially if they're pestering her when she's got food, etc.
So, I know what "triggers" the kicking and I do my best to mimimize, diffuse or avoid those situations altogether. Are there particular toys that spur this? Or times of day? Libby has two dolls that when she's hungry or tired seem to frustrate her (she REALLY wants to be able to dress/undress them herself, which she doesn't quite have the manual dexterity for just yet)...so if i see that coming I either intervene and "help" her dress/undress them or distract her away from that activity into something else ("let's have a snack!" or "let's read a book" etc.)
I think it's sad for Will to be the recipient of Dash's anger in this physically painful way...can Will say "owie! no bite!" whenever Dash does do it? Many times I was the recipient of my twin brother's anger/sadness through physical acting out (I was WAY more verbal than him at an early age)...and it sucks.
Obviously the boys are learning to communicate with you and Ben and with eachother and physical actions come first, before language. But perhaps you can teach Dash how to say something instead of biting and also teach Will how to say something to Dash if/when he does bite?! What does Will do when Dash bites him? If Dash bites and then gets his way (i.e. he gets the toy he wants) then I'd start there...he should not be getting "rewards" for that negative behavior. When he does bite Will, I'd say tend to Will immediately, remove him from Dash along with whatever it is that Dash wanted (the toy, etc.)...then go to Dash and help him work through the situation too (not scolding, mind you, but teaching him the proper way to express his anger/frustration. You don't want him to feel like a bad person for having those feelings but her needs to learn the appropriate way to express those feelings, i.e. not biting or hurting others.)
Are there any twin blogs/forums that address this? Your boys cannot be the only two who have developed this dynamic as young toddlers!
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Thanks for the advice, Lori!
That first link pretty much describes what was happening back when Dash was just biting us, and how we reacted to it. It worked - and he stopped biting Ben and I - but I don't know how to apply that to toddler <--> toddler interactions, since Will can't tell Dash to stop. Will's reaction is simply to start crying in pain - Dash bites REALLY hard, to the point where he will sometimes scrape up skin!
Unfortunately the boys are nowhere near ready to verbalize something like "owie! no bite!" Their vocabulary seems on track in terms of objects they can identify (if I say "show me the XYZ", they'll point to whatever I ask for in a book or a room or wherever, and they can follow instructions like "go get a bucket, then bring it here and put all the blocks in it"), but their verbal skills are still pretty limited. I've been told this is normal for twins, and since they have some words (mama, dada, cat, dog, bird) and mimic noises (especially animal sounds) that it's OK, but I do wish they were more advanced. I'm going to bring it up at their 18 month checkup, just to make sure it's OK.
Time of day doesn't seem to matter. Toys...it's worst with some particular types of toy (puzzles, shape sorters and books), so I'm especially vigilant when they play with those, but really it happens any time. 90% of the time, I'd say it's frustration based - either Will has a toy that Dash wants, or Will walks over and wants to help Dash with a puzzle or something and Dash will get territorial - but the other 10% is seemingly random. They could be cheerfully playing together or separately and Dash will just decide to lean over and chomp.
Dash definitely doesn't get his way when he bites. When it happens, I immediately separate them and make sure Dash doesn't get the toy, then comfort Will, then tell Dash that "we don't bite - it's OK to be frustrated, but we do.not.bite." Maybe this is too complex of a statement for him? Should I keep it to simply "We don't bite" vs adding on the bit about feeling frustrated? I want to try to identify those feelings for him so he can understand them, but I don't want to muddy the message about not going all Jaws on your brother...
life in oz
That is a quote you need to put in their baby books!
A was on a biting kick for a little bit and it was not aggression related, just experimentation. There was no pattern to him doing it; he would just come out of nowhere and chomp. While babysitting, my mom ended up putting him on a "time out" (sit down on a towel against the wall), and I thought that was really unnecessary. However, he actually learned, from that one instance, that when he bites, he needs to stop and go sit down. I started calling it his "cool down" spot and althought I never tell him to go there, I let him if he chooses to. After a few more times biting, then electing to go to his spot to sit down (where he stayed for all of 5 seconds), the biting tapered off. I was impressed that this somehow worked for him -- it got him to pause and redirect on his own -- and that it wasn't a punitive situation. We would actually laugh since he was so adamant about grabbing the towel, lying it down in the right spot, and plopping down for a break.
Now, if it happens, I just ask him, "Is that mum?" He says, "no," and then I remind him that only mum goes in our mouths for biting. That seems to be working for now.
Elyse went through hitting phase at around the same age as Will and Dash are now. I ended up using time outs to stop it. Talking, removing from the situation etc didn't work. I used a 45 (ish) second time out on a chair in our living room that was away from our living room.
We moved through that phase in about 4 weeks. Now I notice that she hits or lashes out with her limbs when she's tired and not able to express herself fully.
Elyse got bit on the nose at play group (aka baby fight club) a couple weeks ago. It's so hard to see another kid hurting yours, I can't imagine what you feel like when it's one of your babies hurting the other?
Good luck!
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I'm probably in the minority here, but this is honestly what we would probably do if Brooke bit ANYONE...
We would definitely put her in time out. Of course at her age, she understands why she is being put in time out and when she is done she will come and tell me "sorry" and if I ask her "why are you sorry?" she can now say "sorry for throwing tantrum" or "sorry for ____"
We would probably grasp her jaw and tell her 'NO BITING' very sternly, and make sure that she understands it is not a joke in any way. If it continues and she is not listening or understanding, we would most likely lightly pinch her cheek every time it happens so that she understands this is not an acceptable behavior.
I know that it seems really stern and many of the mommies on here don't pinch or seem to do time outs, but while Brooke has never hit or bit anyone, we've been on the other end where she's been slapped in the face for no reason and a little boy threw a block at her once while she was walking past him. All of these behaviors went unpunished and I can't help but notice a lot of kids her age have behavioral problems that parents don't address.
I sure hope it gets better for you and that he just stops on his own. Does Will give into him every time Dash bites? Perhaps that's the reason he continues doing it...
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I have smooshed his cheeks together (to make fishy lips) when I've needed to get his attention and direct him away from an activity that was not acceptable. It doesn't hurt him, but he definitely looks startled and does stop and listen. He sometimes experiments with hurting us -- like hitting just because and then continuing to do it after each response from us -- and rather than sound like a broken record repeating the "no, hands are not for hitting" or "ouch, that hurts mommy" or whatever, we will stop it this way. Personally, I don't think that's harsh and I do think kids sometimes need something slightly startling to get their attention when they're determined or overly-stimulated by something that's not OK.
And I totally agree with you that some parents are overly permissive, which is one reason we avoid the mall play area these days. I quickly got over the moms who unapologetically and unemotionally muttered "sorry" (and nothing else) when my boy was run over or hit by their out-of-control children. Thankfully, there have been no issues at the places we now hang out, where parents do their best to be responsive and aware.
I don't have a problem with time outs, and I think that's probably what we'll end up doing now that they're 18 months old (I didn't want to start before now).
I totally agree that there seem to be a LOT of discipline problems with toddlers these days - not sure if their parents are too permissive or just don't want to deal with it? I stopped taking the boys to one playgroup because one of the older kids (~2.5 years old) would harass Will nonstop. Follow him around, shove him, take his toys, etc. The mother wouldn't do anything and just said kids will be kids. WTF? My kids are younger than that, and if one of them hits or shoves or steals a toy, I immediately tell them that we don't hit/shove/grab toys and return the toy to the other child. That's not "kids will be kids" behavior - it's rude and unacceptable and not how we behave, kwim?
life in oz
we're not there yet, obviously, but we'll definitely be using timeouts/cool downs. here's an apropos thread re timeouts - https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/59433106.aspx
fwiw, apparently, even dr sears recommends timeouts starting at 18 months