May be odd but, Single mom by choice? LONG
So here's my story-
Me and bf got together 2 1/2 years ago- I was ina relationship with my ex-bf of 6 years- it was an abusive one... Meeting my now bf was like a gateway out so I pretty much ran off with him after a week of meeting him and moved away from my family/life etc.
I have NEVER been single or on my own.. I was single for like 3 months when me and ex were having issues... and I lived with my mom during that time.
Well in the begining me and bf got along good, sex was good, he complimented me, affectionate etc... Something changed along the way and he stopped doing EVERYTHING. He never compliments me never hugs or kisses. It's like we are roommates...
Let me say he is 45 and I am 24- yes I know WTF! I have always dated an older guy, well this time I think I got in too far...
We had DS in Feb. 2011 and were happy (he wasnt planned) before the pregnancy I did have thoughts of leaving because of the stuff mentioned above and we just werent getting along that well.
Well fast forward 8 months and we are in the same boat with a baby...
Anyways, I want to leave him and move back to my moms for awhile until I get situated...the thought of being able to be independent and on my own excites me..
Bf is very upset about this and wants me to gie him another chance to 'change'... Just so you know we have talked about the issues prior and nothing 'changed'.
So I do not think dragging this out even longer will help anything... I am pretty much set on moving on with my life... I feel like this isnt the relationship for me and I really dont see myself in the future with him... I think a lot has to do with the age difference... like we cant hold conversations, sex sucks, he just annoys me.. idk.. lol
So the thing is... where I will be moving to is 2 hours away- he said he wants to fight for custody but I dont think that will happen... He has never taken care of DS for more than like 8 hours... by himself.
So he said we could do every other week switch... Which I guess I am fine with,
I don't want to stay up here where he is because I have no family up here...
Like part of me if scared because I have never been on my own with out a man taking care of me... I have nothing of my own really- he owns the only car (he drives a company truck), he holds my health insurance (but I can probably get state assistance?), I have no money in my bank account... The only assests I have are some designer bags which if I sold I could get like $1500 total for which I do plan on doing...
I don't know why I am writing this, maybe just to vent.
Part of me feels selfish that I want out because I am not happy... Ya know?
But then I feel that if I stay it will just make things worse for everyone...
Anyone have any advice or experiance like this?
Re: May be odd but, Single mom by choice? LONG
Thanks
I also want to add that he was married for 10 years (she had two kids from a previous marriage) and when I met him he had just pretty much caught her cheating with some dude she'd been apparently seeing for a while... and he moved out (I met him while he was working away from home) so he was pretty much on rebound... lol
So he thinks I want to leave him for someone else-- which is not entirely false but no one really in particular it just kinda finalized my decision...
Sorry for the spelling mistakes and crap... I try to type fast... lol
DO NOT agree to every-other-week visitation. Are you talking 50/50 custody? Or simply every other weekend?
50/50 custody is designed for older children (at LEAST school age) whose parents live close to each other. And even then, it's still not easy on the child. When thinking about a visitation schedule, you need to keep in mind the best interest of the child and how things might change as the child gets old (i.e. goes to school).
Do I think it's selfish you want to end a dead-end relationship? No. But just be smart about how you work out custody and parenting time.
THIS. It is not good for a young child. Babies and toddlers need consistency in their schedule and switching every week could be detrimental to their emotional development. Don't do it.
Ok yeah we really didnt discuss it (or really anything) much...
I did think it would be hard on him being so little... and yes thats true about school and stuff... Didnt think about that.
So what is like normal, he gets him every other weekend or something? I just dont think he will go for that, he is a good father and loves him more than anything- he is his everything- so I bet he will fight that..
My DS was 8 months old when my XH moved out. We agreed to EOW visitation, with him picking him up from daycare on Friday and bringing him home Sunday in the late afternoon.
Our divorce was finalized last month (DS is 22 months now) and XH has EOW visitation, with Wednesday PM visitation as well. He only utilizes his EOW visits.
At your LO's young age, most courts would recommend more frequent, shorter visits, such as 2 weekday visits and maybe an overnight. MAYBE. But, it's all about what the two of you can agree upon. Just remember that you are your LO's only advocate. Of course you want a good relationship between him and his father, but you also need to remember to fight for what is in his best interest, and that's to not be juggled around.
What's EOW? Sorry I do not know these terms...
Weekday visits would be hard for him because he works during the day, I mean he could see him after 5pm but remember I will be living 2 hours away so it will be hard and (costly for gas)... I dont know what to do... I hate seeing him hurt because I am taking C away from him... he is really a great dad it's just that him and I dont work anymore... It's like I wish I could live here and not be with him.. lol
I don't know when I am gong to make it final and move out... we havea lot of things to discuss and he avoids it...
Be careful. And be amicable. He's 45, has a steady job, a home, a car, health insurance. If he decides he wants to fight for custody, he's probably got a very good shot at getting it.
Updated September 2012.
in that entire long post, you didn't express concern about what's best for your son one time, only "omg the sex sucks now and I'm bored so I wanna leave even though I have no job or money."
And she's been the primary caregiver to a child who is under a year old. She can get a home, a car, a job and health insurnce. Tangible things don't always equal automatic custody.
I'm having trouble understanding this.
You don't want to be together anymore? Fine.
But to move 2 hours away just to move in with your parents on a whim? It's not like you are moving for a job, or some other good reason. You just feel like it.
You are a parent, your son needs to come first. You don't need to stay in a relationship in which you are unhappy, but you do need to think about your child more than "idk...lol".
Fathers are 50% of the parental unit - i.e. he's just as important in his son's life. If he was a crap father or an abusive father, that's different. But he wants to be involved. Put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel if he opted to move your son 2 hours away and offer you EOW visitation just for kicks?
No, they don't. Neither do intangible things guarantee automatic custody.
Additionally, the boyfriend clearly has more in the way of the kind of monetary resources necessary for an extended custody battle than the OP. He could make things extremely unpleasant if he chose to.
I'm just saying she needs to NOT be so cavalier about this. Nobody has automatic custody here, and she's potentially pretty outgunned.
Updated September 2012.
How can you be so sure?
Wow.
1. I didn't say I was going to go on welfare- I said since he carries my health insurance I will need to get something so I would look into medicaid or whatever.. I really don't even care to have health insurance it's not that big of a deal to me... I already get food stamps and WIC so whatever, OMG I'm on welfare.. who cares.
My son has health insurance so that's all I care about. Plus once I get back into working I can get my own health insurance.
2. I have NO family other than him up here- I have no where to go to up here, no where to stay. My moms is always open and I have a gaurenteed job down there which I planned on getting into... I want to get an apt, car, etc I don't want to be a low life- I want to be able to support myself with out a man for a while.
3. I am not saying he can't have him more than EOW, I was ok with the fact of him having him every other week, but when mentioned about it might not be best for DS I am not sure what to do now. I want him to be able to see his son as much as possible but unless I am living up there it wouldnt be possible. Like I said, I am not familiar with this stuff as DS is my first child and I have never been in a break up with kids... I do care about DS but I also care about myself- If I'm not happy in this relationship, I think it will be a lot worse for everyone rather than being able to leave it.
Anyways, I have heard from friends as well that to really think it through because he isn't abusive or anything like that and maybe to just stay for DS because it will be hard to only have my son for 2 weeks a month and to be on my own.
It's not just sex- I mean shouldn't it be like normal for your significant other to come home and hug you, give you a kiss, touch you SOMETHING in the form of affection? He doesn't and hasn't for a long time now.
I see nothing in him that I am attracted to anymore- emotionally, physically, personality wise- nothing!
Have you considered allowing your boyfriend to be primary custodian?
Updated September 2012.
Seriously?
I don't want to move in with my mother- as we don't get along that great. But until I have enough money to get my own place- which I will be working for.. I need somewhere to stay.
If I had money, I wouldn't even go to my moms, I would already have a place set.
I'd be fine with staying here until I saved enough to move into a place, but I don't think he'd like that?
No I have not considered him to get full custody because I don't want to be without my son.
No we have not tried counseling, he mentioned it, but I feel it wouldn't help anything... But who knows.
It sounds like he doesn't want to be without his son either.
My Lunch Blog
You may not want to be without your son -- neither does his father. He wants to be with his son too. And he has equal rights.
Updated September 2012.
So - you are lonely and in a sexual rut. Welcome to the real world. Surely there is a mommy group in your area where you can meet up with others? A neighborhood park nearby to take DS and meet up with others?
Relationships go through phases. If everyone who didn't hug and kiss all the time when they got home from work got divorced then no one would stay married.
All of this. I would definitely recommend counseling. At least you will know that you exhausted all of the options.
Being single mom is hard, under the best of circumstances. I would say that you owe it to yourself and your child to give counseling a fair shot.
She can do that now. Babydaddy works all day, right?
Yes yes YES!
Probably because you don't know what counseling entails. It could help you address the issues of affection and each of you would be able to understand the other better. But lol, I guess it will be more fun to just leave.
40/112
Jeez, where did all the jerks come from on this post?
Try counseling since he has expressed that he wants you to stay. You never know if your affection towards each other can be reignited!
Until then, save all the money you can. Sell your handbags, get a part-time job, whatever it takes. Heck, get a full-time job so you know you'll have an income, possible insurance, and the ability to provide for your child as much as he can.
Okay well first I want to say wow because there are a lot of mean people on here.. but there are some good things in those pointed opinions.
It sounds to me that the only person you really care about it yourself because if you really cared about you LO you would have done everything in your power to see if this relationship could be salvaged, but you didnt, your first option was to run away. And not even to run away where the father of the child could see his son. I would listen to some of these suggestions they are very good.
My recommendation is stay there and try counseling; (What is the worst that could happen?? It doesn't work?? You've already given up.) get a job while going to counceling and start saving money. By the time you finish with counceling you should have a nice little nest egg to move with and a stable job. My other suggestion is go into counseling with the mind set that its going to work. If you go in thinking it wont then it wont. I wish you the best of luck and I really hope you make the right decision for your LO because at the end of the day he is the one that will be suffering not you.
I wanted to add that most states offer free or subsudized child care for people on welfare... oh and by the way being on welfare while somebody is giving you money is welfare fraud.
The "jerks" and "mean people" on this post are people who get wind of a trainwreck post and come flocking from other boards. Some advice they give is legit, but most of the time they're just looking for fresh meat to get their snarky claws into. Take it for what it's worth.
OP -- Put your son's best interests at heart. As a single parent, that's your #1 priority.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking this . . . .If there's trailer involved, I will just DIE!! lol