Need advice on how to talk to a friend

here4u

*I don't want this to come off as judgy, and I know people have to realize things for themselves.  I just want advice on how to bring up/talk to my friend without sounding like I'm trying to diagnose her child.*

I have a friend that runs a playgroup with 2 other friends & our girls are all the same age (3) and play along well.  The daughter of the woman who runs the playgroup is having some attention issues.  She's always been a high energy child, although she sleeps well.  She has no safety awareness, is impulsive, doesn't properly play with toys (if at all, she mostly dumps them out, and walks away) and even though she enjoys having her friends over in her house, its more like shes playing around them than with them.  All of us other moms can see the child could benefit from some sort of structured environment, and my friend just needs the nudge to get her the help she needs.  She's currently been receiving speech therapy for about 6 months now and the old SLP had suggested an OT eval, but she didn't qualify at the time.  She can sing along to a song, but when it comes to talking its more like 3 word sentences.  My friend does ask me questions/talk a lil more about it with me than the other friends b/c of all the therapy Sophie has been through, so I guess she sorta relates better that way. I just wish I could make her see that the more she waits the more it could hurt her daughter.  She's been kicked out of music class & gymnastics due to her attention/disrupting class, she's constantly just making mess's around the house.  This kid is SMART and I feel so bad that her mother is "afraid of a label".  So, when she does bring it up, how can I word the conversation to have her make an effort to speak to her SLP/Pedi so that they will see what she see's?   Thanks!

here4u

I should also add that her DH's older daughter (his first marriage) has Asperger's and my friend is pretty sure her DH has a learning disability, so I can see why she's afraid of a label.  But if she gets her daughter help now, it can be a good thing.

CrazeyJaneyR

Hi!! How are you? It has been a LONG time!! I hope you remember me!!

 

To answer your question, perhaps you can phrase it as if you know someone with a similar child. (you can use me if you want). If she brings up a concern that she has, you can say, "Oh my friend so and so had a similar problem and she had her son evaluated just to be sure. It was so helpful b/c he got more therapy that way."

 

I do know that if I found out a few of my friends were talking about this and didn't tell me I would be devastated. That being said, everyone is different. My thought is that your friend will appreciate the heads up - maybe nt now, but eventually, If you need to lose a friend to help out a child, I think that's worth it.  (not saying you will lose her, but worse case scenario is she irationally angry and won't want to talk with you).

Does that make sense? 

 

 

here4u

Hi, yes of course I remember you!  I've seen a few posts with your current diagnosis.  Your kids are all such cuties!  We aren't really talking behind her back about it, because she does talk about it to us during playgroup or sometimes when her daughter is just wandering around doing her own thing, she'll say things to her like "why are you so weird?"  in a kind of kidding tone, but at the same time she doesn't follow through with her instincts.  She does know there is something going on, but she doesn't want to KNOW what it could be. 

So I was just wondering how to help her follow her gut feelings.  I also use Sophie as an example all the time especially for speech b/c that's what therapy her daughter is getting now.  When I mention the same hurdles or goals or notes the therapist has put on her progress reports it makes her feel a lil more on the same page, but at the same time it frustrates me that the therapist hasn't pushed my friend either to further evaluate.  Or maybe she has, and my friend has ignored due to denial.  You can totally tell if anyone says the word eval. she kinda freezes up and its like a dirty word to her.   She has said that she had a pshycological eval. and they said she was average so I'm wondering if my friend isn't giving accurate answers to the evaluators questions.  Since we all know that counts for most of the info.

here4u

-auntie-:

Well intentioned as you are, you aren't going to lead a person in denial down a path they're not ready to take. She is fully aware of the labels most likely associated with her LO's behavior and has made a choice not to explore them.

Perhaps mom will come around once school professionals suggest the evaluation or when the disconnect between her behavior and that of her typical peers becomes too obvious to ignore. I wonder if she selecting "play dates" with kids who have delays as a way to avoid this.

It is possible she is a less than accurate reporter in the evaluation process, but her rose colored glasses will eventually be ameliorated by teachers who are known to be impartial and unbiased.

Meantime, I'm curious. Some of the most stressed forum members I meet are those who are stepmoms to kids with Aspergers. They really struggle with the duality of a kid whose so socially and emotionally immature and yet their equal intellectually. Most can't stand their stepkids with AS if they were honest about it. How does your friend feel about her step?

I'm so glad you replied to this, I always look forward to your insight!  To answer your questions, honestly she never talks about the daughter.  I know the stepson visits every other weekend and I assume the daughter visits too.  I also thought about the "delayed friends playdates" but she met each of us individually at different times and the other 2 girls aren't delayed.

I do have an update to the situation: Today at playgroup, she mentioned that she spoke with the SLP yesterday and she called the Pedi. & the school district for an Eval.  So, I guess the gymnastics episode was the wake-up call.