Really struggling lately

daisies05

I'm not sure where to post this, but since the primary source of my frustrations is my 3 year old, I'm posting here.  I apologize in advance if it turns into more of a vent than a question, I guess I'm just checking if anyone can relate...

Basically, my DS has become such a handful that I find myself yelling at him more often than not - and my temper flaring much more than usual.  I have an infant as well, and whenever baby cries, DS acts out.  I get that he wants attention and I've tried to find good behaviors to praise, but they are so few and far between!  To make it worse, DS has started waking up in the night and refusing to nap (staying in room, but banging around, looking out window, playing in closet or coming out of his room every 5 minutes to go potty).  He's been potty trained for a year, but has started having "accidents", and "needing" help going potty.  I'm guessing again it's an attention thing, but it's so frustrating.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.  He desperately needs to nap, but won't let himself.  He already has an early bedtime (in bed by 7) and wakes for the day around 6.  We've tried moving the bedtime but haven't been successful in having him sleep in any later...and honestly, it's hard enough getting dinner together at 5:30, I can't imagine eating any earlier.

Time outs haven't worked for us lately, and putting toys in time out hasn't been working either.  (Honestly, I think that's our fault as he has too many toys - so even though he may want something in time out, he has plenty of other stuff to play with).  Anyway, am I alone in this?  Has anyone lived through and can offer advice or at least some support that this will get better?  At this rate, going back to work instead of staying home is looking like a great idea!

 

pea-kay

3 is a VERY hard age. I feel like I'm only now getting a bit past this with mine. (But we have our own unique challenges - like toy sharing issues...ugh.) Anyway, hang in there, be consistent, and it will pass....

daisies05

Thanks - I can only imagine trying to do this with 3 the same age!  Actually, I can't even imagine it.    I appreciate hearing that it will eventually get better (even though I know it can't continue forever, it sure feels like it right now!).   

KathrynMD

is your old DS in any kind of preschool/MDO type program?  It might help you both to get a break?

Also - what about doing some special Mommy/Big Boy "dates" for ice cream, muffins, library, something that your LO can't go to?

daisies05

DS is in gymnastics one morning, and preschool three mornings a week.  And I love the idea of taking him out without his little sister, but there isn't much time for that because on weekends all he wants to do is hang with his daddy (because I'm mean mommy that he's been stuck with all week...seriously the screams for Daddy grate on my nerves almost as much as the potty accidents).  But that is something to look into further.  Thanks for the suggestion!

JennDave+1

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old and we have had our days. It has only be recently that we have gotten into a really good routine. I think you need to stop stressing about dinner being on the table by 5:30 and honestly I would do away with the nap. My 3 year old stopped napping months ago as it interferes with his nighttime sleep. I found that my days were better if I just went with the flow rather than forcing things to happen. Is he getting enough activity... outdoor play, preschool or playgroup. This may burn off some of the energy. The need for attention will eventually pass.

RHitch

I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old, so I can definitely feel your pain.  DD regressed big time when DS was born, and it was definitely a hard time for my entire family.  My potty trained daughter started peeing all the time, she always whined and wanted to be held, she asked for a paci although she never had one, and she wanted me to give her a bottle. 

At first I used to stress about it, but my husabnd (of all people...lol) sat me down and said we needed to come at this a different way.  At that point we started to make sure both of us spent at least an hour alone with DD everyday.  I know that is difficult to do with a newborn, but it is important to let your LO know that they are still important.  Also, your LO is used to receiving all of the attention, so when a new baby comes along, they start to feel slighted.  Also, what I found was that DD loves to "help" me take care of her little brother.  She likes to bring me the diapers and play with him while I change him.  When he needs a bottle, she brings me the bottle so that I can shake it up.  She likes to take baths with him, and when it was tummy time, I would let her sit down there with us to encourage him to pull up.  Last but not least, every once in a while I would take DD to the mall to play in the play area.  I would have loved to go to the park, but DS was born in January, so the snow prevented that.  Also, the mall pla area is small, so it was easy to watch her and tend to DS at the same time.

Now that DS is 9 months old, they are so close.  DD still have her moments, but it has gotten much better!  My last piece of advise to you is to let the naps go, and do not stress about things like having dinner ready by 5:30.  Until you can get into a good routine with the kids, you will have to let some things slack off.  As the months go by, you can slowly but surely get back into the grove of things.

LDQAM516

It is tough...and I feel like 3 has been way more difficult than 2 by a long shot!  Like PP said...is there a preschool he could attend?  I have also noticed that my DS goes through phases...he will go a month or so of being an absolute angel and doing everything politely...and then all of a sudden he turns into a little terror...like a lot of whining, crying and toy stealing from his sister.  DD has become super independent lately and I think a lot of his attitude is coming out because he now has to compete even more with DD...and not just for my attention...its with toys, food...etc.  I hope it is a phase and will pass...sometimes we just need to stick to our guns and wait out the storm.  My advice is to just keep doing what you are doing...dont let his attitude change the way you parent...

 

 

kmhunt11

You're not alone.  It's very hard being angry or frustrated a lot of the time.  DD has acted out sporadically over the last 10 months or so because we've had many changes- moved across country, lots of airplane travel and house guests over the summer, announcement of a new baby on the way, new school.  Sometimes her rough patches seem out of the blue, but I always try to remember that maybe it's a growth spurt or a hidden reason- but there is almost always a reason and she can't help it. I try (and had to have a serious talk with DH) to make 100% that my positive/affectionate comments/actions toward DD outnumber the negative ones.  I know it's hard.  Some days there is very little to celebrate.  I just don't want her going to bed at night thinking "Mommy doesn't like me" or "Mommy was mad at me all day!"  They are capable of that level of thought it is heartbreaking to me.  I'm a teacher and it's a very important strategy when dealing with difficult kids.  If they know or assume they can't please you, then why try?  I try to swoop DD up for hugs and cuddles for no reason.  I tell her what a nice girl she is. 

Also, you need some time to yourself.  I struggle with this because I really don't have much to do outside of the house on the weekends that doesn't spend money unnecessarily.  Sometimes I do my grocery shopping on the weekend, even though I have plenty of time to do it during the week, just so I can feel like I don't have to be managing kiddo everywhere I go.  On Saturdays I lock the door and take a super long shower.  I just need a small amount of independence.  Otherwise I start resenting the fact that all I do is cook, clean, shop, pay bills, and deal with DD- which is often not a fun experience lately.  Don't know if you're the same way as me. 

Hope this gets better for you, and all of us that are dealing with the 3's.  Good days and bad days.... if today's not so good, look forward to tomorrow.  

changingnames

I can relate majorly. I wrote a reply describing what it is like to have your asd three year old hitting, biting, and kicking you and your sweet defenseless 6 month old all day. But I think you can guess without me describing it. I love my gorgeous, funny, smart, sniggly toddler, but it is difficult to enjoy him since even when he is being a darling sweet loving boy I flinch every time he moves to touch my face.

KathrynMD

kmhunt11:

If they know or assume they can't please you, then why try?  I try to swoop DD up for hugs and cuddles for no reason.  I tell her what a nice girl she is. 

That's good advice; thanks for sharing!

missfire

We have some really bad days around here too (like yesterday!). On my good days, I dedicate most of my attention to DS1 - even if I'm feeding or changing the babies, I'm talking to him. If I can't physically play trains with him, I talk through what the green train is doing, etc. When he back talks ("No, it's NOT time for breakfast") I try to ignore it and just pretend he is amenable ("What plate do you want today?"), because if I get sucked into arguing with him, it ends in shouting or time outs. DS1 rarely naps now too, so I usually pile all the kids in the car and take a long drive at some point, just for a change of scenery and some quiet. Sometimes he will still fall asleep in the car and then I get bonus quiet time when we get home too. I also have to have activities planned for when he gets crazy but I need to tend to the babies. Usually it is coloring books, foam stickers, or some other art project that will get him to sit at the table but not leave me a big mess to clean up. It's a struggle every day. I hate that he CAN behave so well and just won't, but I know he is looking for my attention and wants to find out whether I love him as much as the babies. It is so peaceful (relatively!) when he is at preschool!