In-law Etiquette

JeccaVZ

jamteal:

Related or not I think they should ask!  My MIL did that once when DD was only a few weeks old, I told DH that it upset me and he must had said something or she noticed that it upset me not sure which but now she asks before she takes her from me. She does hoover til I hand her over, I can deal with that I still don't give her up until I am ready though.

This.

I don't think it's overreacting to be upset that your MIL took the baby out of the crib. Who does that? But the bigger problem is how DH reacted. If you're not on the same page, you're never going to come to a compromise with his family. I always find that what works is to talk over with DH any problems I have with his family, and vice versa. Then DH talks to his family and I talk to mine about those problems.

So I would talk to DH. Where is his belief that you're "killing" his mother come from? Did he come up with the thought himself? Has she talked to him about this without your knowledge? Try to get on the same page with him, and set up boundaries that you're both comfortable with, and then, as a united front, present your case to his family.

Also, it seems like the SIL thing wouldn't have been so upsetting if it weren't for the stress from dealing with MIL? 

jenjenblue

I think your feelings towards your MIL are totally valid and you shouldn't feel bad about any of it. If my MIL went into my room and TOOK my baby while he was sleeping no less I would have gone through the roof. And if my SIL came up to me and demanded to hold the baby and was all snarky like that I'd probably let her hold him but I would also have come up with an equally snarky comment and make her realize she was being rude. Your H needs to be a little bit more understanding of your feelings.

Good luck!!

ShanTeves531

I can COMPLETELY understand your situation. I have the same problem with most of my in laws. At the end of the day, it is YOUR child, YOU make the rules, PERIOD. I think it's rude that people are telling you you overreacted because your circumstances might be different than there's. Some people get along very well with their in laws and have a good relationship, while others may not, so I feel that may add to the situation and your comfort level regarding them and the baby. Yes it may be their only time to see/hold the baby but there will be a turn for everyone. I don't feel like you HAVE to hand over YOUR baby the second you are with company. My mil once told me "well you get to have her all the time". Your damn right I do, because I'm her mother, not you. You've had your children and it's my turn. That one almost made my head spin. It looks like you and your husband just have some difference of ideas when it comes to boundaries, which is just something you'll have to discuss. When a new baby is introduced into a family there are all sorts of adjustments that need to be made, it's normal. I hope things get better for you, what a nightmare it's been for me! It's going to take some adjusting and getting used to! Good luck! : )

uwtigerlily

I have the same issue with my MIL and SIL.  Thank GOD they live in another state.  I knew these would be issues so I set up ground rules with DH before they even arrived.  Ugh.  I can't even begin to tell you the mean things they would do to undermine me.

 My biggest concern is that MIL is diabetic and doesn't take care of herself.  She lets her blood sugar get down real low, to the point where she is on the verge of passing out.  Letting her hold my baby is a safety concern.  I wouldn't let my 90+ year old grandmother hold the baby by herself (her arms aren't very strong anymore, etc.).  Why would I let someone who is potentially on the verge of passing out hold my baby?  Until she learns to take care of herself, MIL is not allowed to hold the baby unattended.

 And my SIL, whoa.  She STUCK HER DIRTY FINGERS IN MY BABY'S MOUTH to see if baby was hungry.  Really???  Neither my husband nor I do this.  That really got my blood boiling.  At one point, she was holding my baby who started to cry hysterically because she was hungry.  I asked for DD back.  (I can't believe I had to ASK for my own baby.)  SIL said she didn't mind the crying and that she liked to hear the baby cry.  Well, I don't.  Especially when I have a solution for it.  I had to ask for DD again.  Then, I literally had to chase down SIL and TAKE DD FROM HER ARMS.  DD stopped crying instantly when I started feeding her.

SIL then later proclaimed to me that she wanted to be DD's godmother.  I explained that we haven't even decided if DD will be baptized, much less pick godparents.  SIL then proceeded to tell me that we HAD to baptize DD because this was her last hope to be a godparent.  DH's husband's two other sisters are atheist and will not be baptizing their children.

This is just skimming the surface of everything.  You have no idea what I went through when they were here.  So I can empathize.  I don't have much advice.  It's all I can do to stay level-headed when they are around.  I just thank God they live far away and don't have the resources to visit often.  I know it sounds mean, but you really have no idea all the things they do and say to me.  I really tried to be good to them.  Multiple times.  Over and over again.  Let me just say that, despite my efforts, my MIL wore white to my wedding (when DH specifically told her not to), did not speak to me on our wedding day, and didn't so much as give us a card.

My solution is to try and stay away so that they don't rile me up.  I don't remember who said it in another post.  But I do everything but socialize... clean, read a book, watch a movie, etc.  Good luck!

StaceyNY

I hear you.  I don't like it when anyone just grabs my daughter from my arms.  My MIL has done this on many occasions.  And worse, she hands her off to people I don't know without asking.  To top it off, when others seem uncomfortable with her handing my child off without asking me, she answers FOR ME & says it's fine with me, right in front of me.  I don't say anything, to keep the peace, but I'm cringing on the inside.  If it were my sister in law, I probably wouldn't mind, but that's also because she doesn't get under my skin as much.  As for waking a sleeping baby, not the smartest thing.  But MIL's are known to be overbearing & overstepping.  lol  I'd probably make a passing comment about it & move on.  I guess at the end of the day, we have to suck it up for the most part & just grin & bare it.  We too will be grandmothers one day, God willing & our future daughter in laws may be posting about us.  ;p  Grandchildren do a lot for grandparents & vice versa.

AngelaK72

To avoid the MIL situation from happening again, just lock your door.  It is just that easy, and she will get the message.

Otherwise, just lighten-up.  There are too many important things to worry about with a newborn.  Your DH's family is not being malicious or mean-spirited.  I am sure they just are overwhelmed by your LO.

I would get your DH in hand though.  He is supposed to be your advocate in all matters.  Time for a talk there.

PeaPod9

I am sorry you are dealing with that.  I agree with you 100%, that is beyond rude and intrusive.  I would have flipped if my MIL went into my bedroom and took my sleeping child for no reason other than to appease her own selfishness.  I am dealing with similar boundary issues except I have twins so it is even harder to protect my children from over eager in-laws because I can't hold both at the same time.  My ILs are actually very kind and caring however my MIL has no common sense about respecting privacy or boundaries.  She is actually a bit child-like sometimes because I have to point out simple things to her like letting them sleep, not over feeding, washing hands, not to over stimulate for long periods of time, letting them nap lying down and not carting them all over the house bent over her arm with their heads lolling back and forth.  It's almost like she never had children.  It's really bizarre.   

ilovemykidsmorethanyoudo

Well,I don't know about you but if two people were in the shower together I don't think I would knock on the door. Especially if it was just to ask if I could hold my grandchild. Did you ask if baby started crying and that's why she took him? Maybe she was going to ask and then realized you were in there together and just walked out. And I'm assuming your MIL lives with you because you were in the shower together, and if so then she's obviously not a stranger or even an casual acquaintance. You see her everyday right? And if she doesn't live with you and you got in the shower with your husband while she was there visiting, well that's just rude, and weird, and what else was she supposed to do besides hold baby? 

And did you explain to your SIL that you would appreciate it if she asked to hold baby first? I would be offended and upset if my SIL told me no and then I saw a friend holding baby without realizing the whole situation.