Still Healing Daily...

goodykt

So I just realized this board is here and I probably could have used it alot plenty of times before...see my niece (to my youngest of 2 brothers) died of SIDS on June 19th (his first Father's Day) this past summer. She was only 4 weeks old. A month later I gave birth to a healthy baby boy (our first)...and one more month later my sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy (her 3rd). I've never experienced something so pitiful or tragic and not sure how to handle or heal from it or if I (we/the whole family) ever will. And having a baby on the other side of the family to watch them grow "together" makes it seem like there's always something missing, or something being compared that I won't ever see Aubrie do. And with the holidays constantly coming up, there's all the first's that Aubrie will never see or experience. 

Then when my brother & his girlfriend (baby mama) come to visit, everyone is so nervous about showing my LO too much attention, or I don't want to talk too much about him or what he's growing and doing. And even when I haven't seen or talk to them in a few weeks, I'm still dealing with it because of my "new" nephew and his growth achievements, or looking down at my LO and thinking how Aubrie never got here. It's like I'm cheating my LO. And when my brother and them hold my LO I can see them thinking of her, which I totally expect and understand, it's just sad to look and know that.

I just wish there was some way to know I'm healing or that the family is. My other niece (she's 12) bought a necklace yesterday with an "A" on it, with plans to wrap it up and put it under the tree for Aubrie this year, now doesn't that just break your heart! It sure does mine. 

I want to somehow remember her this Christmas as well, either with a gift to my brother or maybe an ornament on my tree with Aubrie's name on it....but there again is it another "comparison" type thing, because I have to find my LO a 1st Christmas ornament.

I'm not sure what I expect from posting this, just a way to put my thoughts down I guess, or if anyone has a similar experience or way to grieve or Christmas idea, I'd love to hear it.  I'm also looking into counseling at my church to maybe have someone help me grieve healthy, I can't get depressed again not fair to my LO. TIA

goodykt

P.S. Yesterday she would have been 5 months old and last Wednesday was 4months since her death, which I know is what has triggered this breakdown tonight.

hannahlb2

i lost my daughter to SIDS on April 29th. For me it would be extremely difficult and bittersweet to see the other babies. I often wonder how my daughter would be developing and what she would look like. The other babies would serve as a reminder to something you will never know.

Shortly after my daughter passed, people stopped talking about her or asking about how I'm feeling. it hurts me that no one mentions her. it seems like people never really cared about her or mourned for her. instead they felt sorry for my husband and me. if you are still thinking about your niece, i think you should talk about her. i truly appreciate it every time someone mentions her name or recalls a memory. 

 i think you should have an ornament for your niece or something to remember her on christmas. if my family did something like that, it would make my entire day. probably because it shows that they are still thinking about her and i'm not alone in my grieving.

 

goodykt

Thank you for telling me. It's hard to know what to do. I could only imagine what you or my brother & his GF are going through, and only know all the different ways I feel. Can I ask if you were on meds afterwards? Yesterday the GF was so "high" on pills that she was stumbling, and then almost fell with my LO in her arms (I found out later.) I really want to call and talk to her about it but not sure how to not seem like I'm coming off harsh or mean. But I feel like they should respect my child enough to not hold him while high, any pointers there? She's only 17 so I couldn't imagine going through all that she has so young, I'm 28 next month, my 17 was nothing like hers! I will derfinately look into getting an ornament for them and my tree as well, I want my LO to know who she was and remember her one day too to know we will never forget her.

hannahlb2

I didn't take any medication after. To me it sounds like she is self medicating and doesn't know how to handle it. One of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget about her. Makes me happy that you are doing your part to carry on her memory. I know I will never forget my daughter, but I'm not sure about everyone else.

goodykt

I'm so sorry for you. I know for us, when they bring up Aubrie, it breaks the ice and we are able to obviously talk or think of her. I wish there was a better way for me to help her but no knowing her very well it's a tough situation. Thank you for your input and advice. I will pray for you and hope your family as well finds a way to not forget your baby, which I'm sure they don't. Once there's a little one, the footprints will always be there.